Journal-May 2002
2002-05-02;
A new suit for a new body...
I have very little
to report since my last update. My chest is healing well. I had a few
blisters caused by a reaction to some surgical tape, and the scabs that
have formed are a little itchy. I still have a large green bruise over
my chest, and most of my chest feels as though it’s been given several
injections of Novocain. The binder I’m wearing has caused me to break
out, but I think because my chest is so numb, I don’t feel itchy from the
rash. My right side definitely hurts more than the left, but I’ve only
taken one pain killer since coming home. I also have a hard knot under
my right armpit. It seems too low to be a lymph node. I’m keeping an eye
on it for now. If it is still there next week, I might email Dr. Menard
about it. Other than that, everything is great, and I would rate
myself 90% of normal.
I am taking pictures, but I haven’t been able to get to a scanner.
Maybe later on next week I can get my pre-op, and 1st and 2nd week
post-op pictures posted. I’m impressed how well it looks on the photos.
There doesn’t seem to be any excess skin at this time. The nipples are
still covered with tape (that will stay on for 3 weeks), so I don’t really
know how well they turned out.
I went and spent $400 on a new suit today. It’s sort of a present
to myself, and it’s also for my upcoming interviews. I have an interview next week, and one possibly the week following
that. I think I’ll feel so much more confident going in with a new body
and a new suit.
Thanks again to all that shared their well wishes. It was very nice.
2002-05-10;
Not for the faint of heart....
Well, I have a problem
to report, and it’s pretty gross. The incisions around my nipples are covered
in tape, and I was told by Dr. Menard not to remove this tape for three
weeks. I’ve had some discharge from my right nipple all along, but I felt
that was pretty normal. However, over time, the discharge only increased
in volume.
A couple of days ago, while out of town on my interview, I could see a significantly more discharge seeping from under the tape, so last night when I finally
got home, I removed the tape to see what in the world is going on. YUCK
YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!! It seems I must have torn a few stitches so the incision
never closed properly. As far as I can tell, it never bleed, and since
I have no sensation in my chest, I don’t know if was painful. However,
it is definitely not healing properly. I would say the wound is roughly
¾ of an inch in length, and nearly a ½ inch wide.
I’ve made an appointment to see my doctor today. Maybe she can re-stitch
it a bit. I think I’ll likely have a good size scar from all of this.
But hey, chicks dig scars, right?
On the good side, the swelling in my chest has gone down quite a
bit. The bruise on my chest is gone too. I took more pictures, and I hope
to get to a scanner real soon. The only one I have access to is the department’s
scanner, and I think everyone can understand why I don’t want to be scanning
these pictures where everyone can see. But I promise to do it soon.
2002-05-11;
Good news for Nip...
I went to see my doctor yesterday about my nipple. She removed all the
tape left around my areolas, and cleaned up the tear around the right
one. She said that everything looked great. She told me that the problem
I’m having with my wound separating is not uncommon, and that there was
lots of healthy skin being produced in the wound. She didn’t feel it was
necessary to stitch it up, and decided to just apply some tape around
it to help hold it. She told me I’ll have a scar there, but I could have
it taken care of by plastics later. I see no need in that. I think some
scars are cool.
It all still looks a little gross to me, but I feel better after talking
to her. She’s such a great doctor.
When I got home, I took my binder off for a while to give my ribs
a break. It’s so nice to go around shirtless, though I’m still a little
self-conscious about my body shape. I still have a pear shape. Later I
took my dog for a walk, and I did it with my shirt open. What a great sensation!
I can’t wait to start working out on my chest and shoulders. I kind
of laid off of the upper body work-outs a few months priors to surgery.
I was worried that I would have lots of redundant skin, and I thought
if I waited until after surgery to work on my chest, I might be able to
fill in some of that skin with muscle mass. As it turns out, there doesn’t
seem to be any redundant skin at all. Though I think Dr. Menard may have
left in a bit more tissue than I would have liked. It’s hard to tell - I
don’t think all of the swelling is gone yet. If it remains as it is, I
don’t think it is enough to warrant a revision. I think if I bulk up a
bit, the excess tissue will be quite un-noticeable. So I’m eager to start
working out. I would have been able to start working out next week, but
I think I’ll give my right nipple a little more time to heal.
I also think Dr. Menard took out more tissue on the right side than
the left. The pictures show this a little. However, this is really of
no concern for me. The difference appears very slight, and no one is symmetric.
Again, if I bulk up a bit more, I don’t think it will be obvious to anyone.
The only think I feel I might want a revision on in the future, is
the size of the areolas. I think they are the size that they will always
be, and right now they are about the size of a quarter. Personally I would
like something more along the size of a nickel. He did resize the nipple
pretty good. The girth of the nipple is about half of what it once was.
They certainly aren’t a typical man sized nipples, but they don’t look abnormal.
It also appears that scars around my nipples/areolas (expect where my wound
separated) will be slight, and I’m thrilled about that.
2002-05-14;
An added benefit....
I was taking a good look
at my nips this morning. Making sure nothing fell off in the night, and
I noticed something. Prior to surgery, I had this goofy looking hair that
grew around my nips. It wasn’t like the rest of my chest hair. Instead
it was long, course, and dark. Well, it appears that in the process of having
this surgery done, those hairs were removed along with what skin Dr. Menard
removed. Those hairs weren’t a big deal, but I never cared for them. They
grew ten times longer than anything else on my chest, and I often clipped
them back. Doesn’t look like I’ll have to do that now.
The tear above my right nipple is starting to heal. The center of the
wound still looks a little too slimy for my liking, but the outer edges
are starting to scab up.
My chest for the last day or two has felt very uncomfortable. I think
it is my feeling coming back. The skin between my pecs have feeling once
again, and some of the areas on my pecs are getting some sensation, but
all and all, I’m still quite numb. Sometimes when I twist my body, I can feel
a tugging sensation that I didn’t feel before. I think this is a good sign
that my feeling is coming back, and the tight tugging sensation surely means
things are healing.
I’ve been wearing my binder less and less, though I’m supposed to wear
it until Friday. I take it off when I’m at home and not doing anything
but sitting in front of the TV. If I’m moving around any, I really feel
the need to put it on. I just like that feeling of support. Next week I
may discontinue wearing the binder, but keep it with me if I feel I need
that extra support. If I do any physical activity, I think I’ll put it on
just in case.
2002-05-17;
Free of the ties that bind me....
Today, I am a man that
lives without a binder. What a feeling! It’s such a wonderful feeling not
to have to wear layer upon layer anymore. I still don’t have much sensation
in my chest, so I don’t feel terribly different than I did for the three weeks
I wore a binder post-op, but it’s great not to have to worry if my binder
is showing through my clothes.
I’ve removed all the incision tape from around my nipples, and I’m a bit
disappointed with how big the areola area still is. There is some slight
puckering around the incision site, but it’s hardly noticeable. The incision
on my left side is completely healed and red. On the right side, where I had
so much trouble, is starting to scab over. I’m starting to apply some vitamin
E oil to the left side, but waiting until the right side is completely healed
before I apply any to that side.
As far as mobility goes, I’m about 98% of normal. I still catch myself
moving around rather gingerly, but I’m never in pain. I started to work out
with 10 lbs. dumbbells last night. Nothing strenuous, just some brief stretching
with weight.
As far as numbness goes, I’m about 60% of normal. I’m slowly regaining
feeling, but it’s still bothersome to be so numb. I think I have a bit of
feeling in my left nipple, but none in my right. It also seems that I have
more feeling in the upper parts of my pecs than my lower parts.
As far as appearance goes, I think there is little swelling left. I think
I’m where I’ll always be if I don’t work out. The slight puckering will likely
go away a bit, and so will the redness of the incision site. I think any
improvement of my pecs will be up to me from here on out. Maybe if I develop
a decent size chest, I won’t feel the need to revise the areola region. We’ll
see.
2002-05-23; A Flashback entry...
A year ago today I wrote
the following:
Thank you
for your concern about my genitalia....
I've discovered
that the two most frequent questions from those who find out I'm FTM are:
1. Are you
sure you've thought this decision through?
2. Can they
really put a dick on you that looks right and works?
I've become
a little irritated by these questions, so I decided rather than just saying
I don't
answer that
question anymore, I printed up some cards to carry in my wallet.
This way I can
have a little
fun and also vent a bit of my passive aggressive nature. So, one side of
the card reads:
"No, I didn't wake up one morning and just decide to
cut of my tits. I'm not prone to lopping
off portions of my body without some thought, are you?"
The other side reads:
"Thank you for your concern about my genitalia. I can't
tell you how happy it makes me feel
to be asked about my dick. To answer your question,
there are many choices available. Each
choice having its own level of function and appearance.
By the way, how is your genitalia
looking and functioning these days?"
I carried those cards
in my wallet for a long time, but I threw them out a couple of months ago.
I can’t even remember the last time anyone asked me those questions. I certainly
haven’t been asked anything like that since I’ve lived here. No one knows
of my trans status. No one looks at me like I’m a freak or like I’m crazy.
I’ve been looking for a new job, and while talking to my old boss,
he mentioned that there might be a position opening up back there that would
suit me. I thought about how great it would be to be close to home again,
but then I got to thinking about how the people there would see me. I doubt
that they are any more accepting of my choice than when I left. If I moved
back down there, I would have to print up a new set of cards.
2002-05-28;
Oh come on! Not another nipple update....
Well, it seems that May’s
journal entries has been overwhelmed with thoughts about my surgery. It’s
been a little over a month since my surgery, and I’m still thrilled with
how my life has changed. Today, I was walking across campus and the wind
was really blowing. Prior to my surgery, I would find myself hunching my
shoulders forward when the wind blew against my chest. Even though I could
bind pretty flat, I was so self-conscious about my chest. However today, I
just puffed my chest out and pulled my shoulders back. I felt invincible.
Since it has been a month since my surgery, I’ll update about my healing
as well. I am still pretty numb. I would say only about half of the feeling
in my chest has come back. There are some real problems with the right
side of my chest. It’s apparent that Dr. Menard took out too much tissue
on the top of my right pec, and not enough on the lower part. Now if I didn’t
have to have my nipples revised, I probably would worry about it, but since
I’m going to have to have my nipples trimmed down, I may as well have that
tiny bit of tissue taken out as well.
It’s really starting to bug me that my areolas are still so large.
I’m not sure why they were left that way. I looked at my pre-op pictures
and they seem to be exactly the same size. I’m curious as to why they weren't
reduced even a little. I went into this process knowing that a revision was
likely, but it seems Dr. Menard came so close to doing a perfect chest, that
I’m frustrated that it isn't. I think I would almost be less frustrated if
there were more significant problems. Instead I'm left with the feeling of
"so close yet so far".
I would like Dr. Menard to do the revision as well, but I think I
will look around for a local surgeon to do it. I believe it would be a
rather minor procedure, and I just can’t see flying all the way to Montreal
to fix it.
I’ve taken some new photos, and I’ll post them soon.
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