2001-08-03 13:56:00; Four trash bags in the hallway....
They cleaned out Marc's lab yesterday. I still keep expecting him to show back up. I've even dreamt that I caught him up in this building late at night - Like he was just playing a joke on us, and that he's alive and well.

Now I know that he was anything but well. I never saw his pain - he hid it so well. I've been on the edge myself, and I hid my pain from others. If I had committed suicide it would have been just like Marc's, so I'm not sure why I'm so angry at him. I just know I am.

2001-08-06 21:16:00; There is still life on Planet Alteredboy......
It seems it's been a while since I've done a Planet Alteredboy report. So I spent some time today exploring my body to see what new things I can report, and really there isn't much new. Instead I would say things are just progressing.

Hair keeps spreading across my body. However, it seems to have stopped on my stomach. I'm pretty hairy from the navel down, but it's really slowed above the navel. That's just fine with me. I want one of those great gay porn star hairless chests.

There is absolutely no sign of sideburns. This pisses me off. I don't want to grow a beard, but I really want sideburns. What do I get?? NOTHING! My beard is starting to thicken up, but I can tell it's going to be light in color - mostly blonde and gray. My father's beard was the same. The hair on my lip grows quickly and is darker, but it's still rather thin.

Oh, by the way....still no back hair, but butt hair I got!!! God, I never knew a butt crack could hold so much hair. It's awful - It's sweaty and it's itchy. Can you wax butt crack hair?????

I went to my endo the other day. A routine check up. I gained weight again. I'm up to 187 lbs., but my body looks more or less the same - My clothes fit the same. All blood tests came back great, but my endo did bump me up to 200 mg T biweekly instead of the 150 mg I was on. This probably means more butt crack hair.

Emotionally I'm doing great! My mood swings are gone. I think the emotionally roller coaster is a product of lower T and pre-existing estrogen. That problem was solved at the 150 mg biweekly dose.

My confidence swings a bit though. I find that socially I'm a bit more confident. I love flirting with girls at red lights. I fall in love with every waitress I have. It's been fun. I think women are noticing me more too - or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

However, I find my confidence at work is slipping. I used to have so much confidence in my work and research. Now I find I struggle with that more. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I'm just burned out and don't have the great interest in it like I used to. But I think it's also because I used to hide in my work. For once in my life I don't want to hide. I want to be seen. I think I've let my work slide by having too much fun flirting with women at red lights. In any regard, it's not a good position to have your professional confidence slip when you're soon to be interviewing for new jobs.

My sex drive still has a life of it's own. I'm regularly supplementing my day with doses of porn, and I masturbate many times a day. You'd think I'd be tired of these same old fantasies I use, but I'm not! However, I'm finding my actions more or less normal, and I'm not concerned about it much anymore. What 13 year old boy doesn't jerk off 5 times a day?

Well, that all that's new on Planet Alteredboy. Hope you enjoyed it.

2001-08-07 01:01:00; Probably the single most disturbing sound a transman can hear.....
The loud, thunderous clap of Mr. Softy hitting the men's room floor.

2001-08-09 22:47:00; God's most beautiful creation works in office 104....
I AM IN LOVE!!!

For the past month or so, I've had to run errands to a building down the street. As soon as I enter, I can see into this office where God's most beautiful creation works. I always make a point of looking in through the door to get a glimpse of her, and she always seems to look up as I'm sneaking my peek. But, my business is always upstairs, so I only see my vision for a second or two.

Well, a couple of days ago I ran my usual errand, but the lady I was talking to told me she couldn't help me with my request. She referred me to someone down stairs. As she was writing down the office number, I keep chanting in my head over and over again "Let it be her...Let it be her...Let it be her".

I ran down stairs looking for office 106. I decided to see first if that was the office of my vision. It was not. Her office was 104. "Damnit" I said to myself, and off I went to find 106.

Once I got to office 106, the lady there told me that I had the wrong office. That I would need to see Sherry in office 104. "Woo hoo" I thought to myself, "I'm one lucky bastard!!!"

I raced back down the hall for my date with Heaven - but alas she was gone. So close yet so far.

Dejected I nearly left, until I heard this beautiful voice call for my attention. It was her.

I savored every minute of conversation. She told me I looked too young to be 34 (This is a big problem currently), but she told me that she loved my last name. It is the same name of her favorite character on futurama. Ok, I know it's not much, but I'll take what I can get.

I get to see her again next week. Maybe I'll bring up that I share the same last name with a character in a famous 80's movie too.

2001-08-20 14:30:00; Well, you're male now....
The coolest thing just happened. I went down to the graduate school to get all my final paperwork. I sat down to talk to "god's most beautiful creation in office 104" while she cleared my files. She then looked up at me and said "I did you a big favor the other day". I was curious to know what this beautiful woman did for me, and thought it was cool she remembered me. She said that for some reason I'm listed in some of the files as (my female name) rather than (my male name). She said that because of that they had me listed as female rather than male. She then said that she took care of it for me - that she thought I'd appreciate it. She did this because she thought it was a mistake in the system, so I told her that legally that I am female, and that I am transsexual. Without fazing her a bit, she simply replied that I'm male now. That was extremely nice and unexpected.

I've been careful to cover my ass legally in regard to my gender. Though I'm extremely happy to be seen as male by the university now, I would not allow it if I thought it might cause a problem down the road.

I recently filled out an employment application at the university as well. I was careful to mark my legal gender, though it pained me to do so. This will only be a temporary position, but I don't want to give them a reason for dismissing me.

2001-08-20 16:25:00; So many fantasies - so little time....
These days it seems I live to masturbate rather than masturbate to live.

2001-08-26 07:43:00; Hi, Cutie, can I dance for you?....
I met up with an old friend the other day. I haven't seen him since I began to transition, and he was eager to see how much I've changed physically. He decided we should meet at his favorite strip club. With my sex drive in over-drive, I thought it was a great idea. At this stage in my transition, I can never get enough of dancing nude women!!

It was like old times with my friend. He is my former work-out partner, and all during our time at the gym we discussed women, and which physical features we most appreciated about them. Rather than call our conversations misogynistic, I would call them primal or even visceral. We so freely shared with each other the primitive visual things we love about women. I've never been able to discuss those things comfortably with women, nor with other guys. Though we tend to be more crude than I would normally feel comfortable admitting, it's a freedom that I enjoyed with him - it's a release of sorts.

As we sat there discussing all the features we enjoyed about the dancers, a young blonde lady came up to me. I had watched her only a few minutes prior giving a lap dance to another guy. I know she noticed me watching her - I saw her look at my relection in the mirror in front of her, so I wasn't surprised that she approached me. I was, however, surprised at my response to her.

Watching her dance for the other guy was the most erotic thing I've witnessed in quite some time. She had a perfect body, but that wasn't what was so appealing about her. It was her control. In her late 20's or early 30's, she was older than the other dancers. Perhaps her age gave more of that control. I don't know. Whatever it was, she definitely knew that less can be so much more. As I watched her dance for the other guy, I could feel myinner soul climb the walls. I wanted her.

A bit later, I felt a hand run down my back, and the sweet breeze of a woman's voice hit my neck. I heard her say, "Hi Cutie, can I dance for you?". She came around me and crouched down so I could see her better. While I had continued to think about how nice it would be to watch her dance again, as I watched other dancers, I found I couldn't say anything to her. My friend, laughing, said, "Yeah, get a dance, I'll pay for it". I couldn't. I simply told her no thank you, and she left.

My friend gave me a hard time, and I played it off as if I wasn't interested in her type, but the whole situation bothered me. It's something I've been having to deal with for several months now. I love women. I love flirting with women. I have an incredible sex drive. Though it would seem that these things would make relationships with women, even simple encounters, such as a lap dance, easier, it does not. In fact, all of these things actually aggravate my problem.

I have a battle going on inside of me. Though I lust for women and ache to feel them next to me, I'm frightened by the prospect that it might actually happen. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my body still has female parts. As much as I wanted to feel that dancer rub against my crotch, I still feel I'm not quite in the right body. As much as I think about sex in a day, the thought of actually having sex terrorizes me.

2001-08-30 15:11:00; T has made me 2 inches shorter......

At 5'10", I was extremely tall as a woman. As a man I find that my height is quite average. I now find I measure myself against other men around me. There are days when I'm in line at the post office that I'm the tallest guy there, and then other times at the bank where I'm the shortest. To have my height taken from me, as a critical piece of how I saw myself - defined myself, has been odd to say the least. However, this is only one reason why I feel shorter.

I also feel that my center of gravity has shifted. I feel as though it has shifted from the middle of my chest to just above my groin. It's very difficult to explain. I feel denser and more compact. I feel as though I would be more difficult to topple over now. It's strange since I know it isn't a physical change. Hmmm....perhaps it's because I feel more comfortable with my body these days. I feel more balanced, stronger, and much more self-aware. I suppose giving up 2 inches in "height" is worth that.

2001-08-31 13:22:00;The pale hairy planet called Alteredboy.....

I thought I'd give one of my irregular updates. Things don't seem to be changing drastically, so it's hard to find things that are distinctly different from week to week. What happens more often is that all of a sudden I notice something that wasn't there few weeks ago. Case in point, last night while carrying out some trash, I noticed how easily I tossed the heavy bags into dumpster. While it's difficult to notice the day to day differences in the appearance of my upper body, it's easier to notice my increased strength. I find I no longer search in the mirror every morning for new changes. I'm somewhat disappointed in how long it takes to see changes, but I'm confident that they will happen. So, I just don't obsess about it in the mirror any more.

My voice still fluctuates a bit, but over the past months it has become increasingly deep. I think I have a deeper voice than many of my male co-workers. At times, I can feel it vibrate down past my sternum. I'm shocked when I hear it played back from a recording. I wish I could put it online for others to hear. I think thus far in my transition, it's the most dramatic physical change. Definitely the key to me being seen as male in public 100% of the time.

No real changes in my beard. I let it grow out for a week recently just to see what I have. My beard is so light in color that if I want to wear a beard, I'll have to wait until the hair thickens up more. It's just so light that it doesn't show up well. I shave my face every other day, however, I leave it stubbly on my chin. I think the stubble actually shows up better than when the hair is grown out. Genetics are on my side when it comes to facial hair. All my male relatives have thick beards, however, my father's was very blonde, just as mine appears to be.

Since increasing my dose to 200 mg biweekly, I've notice my body hair taking off again. Nothing spectacular, but definitely more hair on the stomach region. My arms are finally starting to get hairy. My legs are rather wooly, and well I already told you about the butt crack hair. Other than those regions, nothing else to report.

My weight has not increased in the past month. I've been going to the gym again, and I managed to drop 6 pounds rather easily. I'm holding at 181 lbs right now.

Since increasing my dose, there have been no problems with acne. I still get a zit or two with every shot, but other than that I'm doing great. I did have a zit on my back the week after increasing my dose, but I haven't seen anything since.

Emotionally, I'm feeling great. No more mood swings. However, I might be feeling my temper more. I notice that when I get frustrate with some things I am a bit more volatile. If my computer fucks up I hit the filing cabinet. If someone pisses me off at work, I generally let them know it. This might not be a bad thing since in the past I've been known to avoid and ignore the things that bothered me. Now I vent them more quickly and feel a great sense of relief afterward. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

Well, I guess that's all from planet Alteredboy. For those who follow my journal, I'm also adding these changes to my Hormones page when I have the time.

Click here for SEPTEMBER 2001 ENTRIES

Click here to go back to MOST RECENT ENTRIES