2001-09-02 07:22:00; Taking a leak in public while others watch....

I've been having the same recurring dream for a month now. I dream that I'm urinating in public. I don't want to, but find I just must. Usually while I'm doing this, I'm caught by someone, however, other times I just fear being caught.

Last night, I think I figured out where these dreams stem from. I am now teaching at the university. This is the first time I've done this job as a male. I've also taken a night job where all my co-workers know me as male. I think I have some anxiety about the possibility of others discovering that I'm transsexual. I don't fear harm from them if I'm discovered, but I do think I fear things will change in how they treat me. Me being transsexual is me pissing in public.

2001-09-15 22:34:00; I just made a disturbing calculation....

If we were to dedicate one day to grieve for each of those predicted to have perished Tuesday, we would mourn for over 15 years.

2001-09-16 13:16:00; Trying to find "normal" again....

It's been difficult to think about updating my journal in the past few days. It feels silly to share my trivial problems, and insensitive to share my daily joys. I'm lucky, however. I have heard from all those I know in D.C. and NYC, all are safe and as sound as can be.

On a personal note, I am doing well. I have had several sleepless nights, and when I do sleep I dream a lot about planes and broken buildings. I had a series of dreams last night, and while they had nothing to do with the tragedy in NYC and D.C., all the buildings in the background were in ruins and there was rubble everywhere. I guess I can expect that for awhile.

I have also been making progress with my male socialization recently. I've been teaching for the first time as male at the university during the day, and I've taken a night job at a convenience store to help pay off some lingering doctor and school bills.

My night job has done the most to increase my male socialization skills. I meet between 300 and 400 people a night, all of which see me as male. I'm every frat boy's best buddy when I sell him beer, and the biggest dickhead he's ever met if I don't.

And the girls!!!! Wow, the girls, though way too young for me, are incredible!!! By time I get to work, many have a couple of hours of drinking done. Women are far more flirtatious when they have a buzz going. It's a lot of fun.

For the first time, I'm seeing in volume how women react and interact to men. Though the job is only temporary, I see this time as a valuable experience. I can say anything really with no harm done. It's mostly blind, anonymous interaction. A few times I've gone too far, but for the most part I've noticed that women react favorable to men who speak boldly to them. I think interactions between two women who are sexually attracted to each other is different than a man and a woman who are sexually attracted to each other. What I'm trying to say is that as a lesbian, I was far less bold. I took tentative first steps. I moved more slowly. And those actions seemed to work well. Now as a man, I feel that the women I flirt with are more receptive to stronger advances. I often feel I'm crossing the line, but I doubt seriously that I am.

Well, I may have crossed the line Friday (I've yet to find out). There is a young lady that comes into my store every other night or so. Though I am very attracted to her, I'm not sure she feels the same. She always comes to my line and we chat a bit. The last two times she's come in she's used a personal check rather than the regular credit card. Each time she wrote out the check she stated that her home phone number was on the front of the check. Now this is a normal thing to say, but I can't help but wonder if she's also telling me this for personal reasons. Does she want me to call her?

Last time she came in we chatted for a bit, and she asked if the container of roses I had on my counter were real. I said that they were indeed real, but not very fresh. She then replied that she loved roses. The next day I sent her four roses along with some daisies, and a card that simply read "Just because you like roses". I haven't seen her since, but now I'm concerned that I went too far. Maybe what I did was borderline stalker-like since I got her address off of her check. I'm waiting to see what happens.

2001-09-17 17:32:00; In my book, it is rude....

I still don't understand why people think it's ok to ask about my genitalia. I was online the other day and someone mentioned I was a FTM. Within seconds someone pmmed me. They asked if they could ask a couple of questions. I always try to be friendly and receptive of questions because I know there are many people coming to terms with gender reassignment. I told this person that I would try to answer their questions. The second question from this person was "So do you have a dick?". Today I got the same question from someone else. When I commented how rude I thought it was, the rest of the room merely said that is a legitimate question.

I truly would like to know how many non-transsexuals get asked daily questions about their genitalia?

2001-09-21 11:59:00; Lesson in girls 101....

Well, it looks like sending flowers was a mistake. I used to see this lovely gal every other day, but now it's been a week with no sign of her. I'm not sorry I did it. I'm glad I followed my feelings - I'm glad I was impulsive. My new life motto is "tuck and roll". I'm just going to keep plugging along - making my mistakes and learning from them. Who in the world can predict how things will go with a woman anyway!!!! :)

2001-09-26 15:43:00; A little comfort southern style....

I had an interesting time at the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta. I got to see some of my Atlanta friends, some friends from other parts of the country, and I made a few more new friends. Overall it was a cool experience.

For those who don't know what Southern Comfort is, it is a conference for the entire trans community. It was held at the Sheraton in Midtown, Atlanta. It looked like a rather large event, however, the transwomen way outnumbered the transmen. Never in my life have I seen so many 6'8" women!! It was great. Everyone was nice to one another, and it seemed as though the staff at the hotel was very respectful. The seminars were good and fairly informative.

I did have a couple of irritating experiences, however. I only went to conference for one day (it was the only day I could get off work). I was eager to meet the surgeons, which I heard only show up on Saturday (the day I decided to attend). However, there was only one surgeon at this years event. Dr. Meltzer gave a good talk, and I learned a great deal, but I would have liked to have compared different surgeons.

I also had a couple of irritating run-ins with some FTMs. Transition seems to be such a competition for so many of us guys. I'm not exactly sure why so many in our community feel that way. At the end of the first seminar I attended, a guy walked up to me and asked what dose of T I was on. He then proceed to get uncomfortably close to my face - examining me up and down. After I told him what dose I was on, he remarked that I didn't have much of a beard. I tried to be nice since this was the first transguy I had spoken to since arriving, but I was extremely agitated by his invasion into my personal space.

As I walked to the lobby, another guy from the same seminar walked up to me and slapped me on the back and said, "So how far are you going?". I knew immediately that he was asking if I was going to have lower surgery, but I looked at him in a puzzled manner, and asked him what he meant. He said, "bottom surgery!!" I told him I didn't know, and turned and walked away. In many ways I feel I've already gone all the way. Yes, I still have surgery to complete - the physical part remains unfinished, but for me it is the social part that is even more important. I already live my life as male in society, and so in that regard my transition is complete. For so many in our world penis = male. Nothing more.

Other than those few run-ins, the conference was good. I would like to go again next year, and perhaps go to the entire event.

I'll write more later about some of the information I gathered, and some of the people I met.
 

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