2001-02-09 23:41:00; a beginning
Well, I thought I'd never do a journal, but I've decided to give it a try. But I'm telling you right now that I'm not sure I have the dedicationto keep up with it.

Things on my mind today:
I've currently been in therapy for about a month and a half now. I think things are going well. I like the time I spend with my shrink. It's an hour I can really vent all the things I'm feeling. My mind races so much now as the start of my physical transition draws closer. When I was with my gf and when I'm around the friends and family that know about my transition, I feel as though I have to restrain myself. I'm so excited about this process, but I've come to realize that not all of them share my joy. I think many of my friends still feel it kind of weird. When I sit down to talk to my therapist I really feel relieved.

Most recently, my therapist and I have been talking about the emotional changes I'll see once I start T. I've written to the 2 email support lists I'm on, and I got a pretty good response from them when I asked what emotional changes they've notice once on T. I guess I feel I have a really stable emotional balance and I hate the thought of fucking that up. Most of the guys who responded told me they had relatively few negative emotional effects, and I suppose that should help put me at ease. However, I always get a feeling that the guys on my list hold back a bit. In the past when I've ask questions about the negative aspects of transitioning, I rarely got feedback. Perhaps I fret too much...maybe there isn't a thing to worry about emotionally while on T, but I still want to discuss this issue in therapy.

2001-02-10 17:04:00; At first glance....
A funny thing happened last night. I went to the computer lab pretty late, and didn't know anyone else would be in there. I opened the door and saw a fellow grad student jump up out of his chair. Obviously I startled him and he exclaimed "I thought you were a guy". He's a timid fellow - kind of shy and quiet. Seeing a strange guy up in this building late at night would scare me too, but it was great that he didn't see me as Michelle, a female grad student first - instead I was a big scary guy!

*****

Even though I'm 5'10", 170 lbs, and I've been binding and packing since November, I'm never sure what people perceive me as at first glance. So often I see people first look me in the eye and then a moment later, I see them scanning my body. Obviously, their mind registers confusion - is it male or is it female? They scan beccause I think they feel the need to add data by looking at my chest and crotch. I'm not sure it's something they even think about. I think most of us use binary parameters in our thinking process whether we are conscious of it or not. But just for once I want to walk into a store and not get the body scan.

2001-02-11 01:29:00; Why do I have to say "HER"?
I'm feeling a little crappy at the moment. I've been working on my dissertation tonight, and I just proofed my vita and acknowledgment sections. It's standard to write these sections in third person. God, I'm really hating that I have to use female pronouns in them. I'm not sure how I get around it. I'm legally female, but I want to ask to use male pronouns instead. I'm feeling grumpy at the moment.

2001-02-12 02:08:00; I always got a kick out of the guys who pose in the gym's mirrors....
I've been working out at a gym for a couple of years now. Though I've never been able to obtain that masculine stature that I so desire, the workouts usually make me feel better and I've been able to gain nearly 15 lbs.

I took a break from the gym just before Christmas - about the same time I started therapy - and only decided to go back to the gym a couple of days ago. But this time it was a much different experience than it was just a month ago. God, it was so uncomfortable seeing myself in the mirrors that wrap around the gym. (I wear less clothing - less layers and I can't bind comfortably when I'm working out). For some reason I feel more uncomfortable with my body now more than any other time. I think perhaps it's because I'm allowing myself to think ahead in my transition. I've really been studying my features lately, and I can imagine how they will change. My patience is leaving me, and each day I don't see the person I am inside I become more frustrated.

I've decided to work out at home rather than the gym for now.

2001-02-13 02:04:00; A tongue twister of a name.....
I got a card from my mother today. The envelope was addressed to (my male name). It's the first time she's ever used that name. After I changed my name, I never pushed her to start using it. I figured it will happen when she was ready, but I have to say I really wanted her to use it right away. I was so proud of the new name. I loved it and still do.

****

She's told me on several occasions that she just can't call me by my new name. She said it was too difficult to pronounce. I'm not sure if it was pain that kept her tongue from forming the word, or if I really did pick a hard name to say. But the last time she was down for a visit, she told me that she felt she could probably call me (my male name) someday. Then she apologized to me for not naming me what she ended up calling my sister (gender neutral name). How was she to know that it would be her first kid that was transgendered and not the second.

2001-02-14 02:03:00; The difference 13 years makes.....
I met a wonderful transwoman this week, and we've decided to share notes from time to time. In ways, I'm jealous of people like her. She started her transition some 13 years younger than I'm starting mine. I think to myself what self knowing that must take. But when I think back to who I was 13 years ago, I feel perhaps it's best that I didn't transition then. I certainly don't think I possessed the maturity this young and wise woman has, and because of that I believe I would have somehow tried to bury the person I was before my transition. I think I can truly say now that I haven't regretted my time spent in a woman's body. I'm happy to be moving toward the physical being I truly am, but I've learned so much about strength in this body. What patience and endurance we transgendered people have....It's something we can all be proud of. And like standing nude in front of a crowd of strangers, the questioning looks of is it a boy or is it a girl? has shown me what vulnerability is. Because of that I think I feel more compassionate toward people that exist outside society's mean than I did 13 years ago. But the greatest thing my life has taught me up to now is passion. I follow my heart faster and easier than any other time in my life. I'm far less likely to follow a standard because it is what everyone else has done before me. Yes, passion and adventureism I think have been the greatest things I've learned from living in this body.

2001-02-15 17:23:00; Outed at work.....
Well, I've been outed at work. I'm a grad student and I work as a research assistant in the department I'm studying in. I came out to my friends at work sometime ago...one of those friends happens to be my boss' wife. When I told her that I was FTM and that I would be transitioning in the coming year, her first words to me were to not tell her husband until after I graduate. It confused me to hear her say this. Though my boss resides more or less on the redneck side of the spectrum, I still always thought of him as a fair man. I truly wanted to tell him after I told my friend - thinking it's difficult for partners to kkeep secrets from one another. But I decided to follow her advice - no sense throwing away nearly 6 years of work. Well, I found out yesterday that after months of keeping this information to herself, my friend finally told her husband.

I had mixed feelings about this. She did it because the subject came up, and she thought it was a good time to tell him. At first I was ok with her decision. I was pleased that he took it so well after hearing the news from him. However, later as I thought about it, I felt a bit angry too. It was really was my job to tell him. Coming out isn't the most fun thing in the world to do, but I like the thought of taking responsibility for my life and all my actions. Also, it should have been me to tell him because I could then express my concern of how Ifelt certain people on my graduate committee might react.

After hearing this news from my friend, I immediately went to see my boss. I told him that I had debated for many months about telling him. I expressed concern for my own professional well being and that I saw this issue as a possible risk to the completion of my degree. I told him that I'm in no way ashamed of my choice or who I am. I also told him it's quite alright for him to feel a bit uncomfortable about this news, but that it in no way affects who I've been as a grad student and researcher. He understood this and assured me that I would not have to worry about any of my graduate committee - he would not allow any unfairness to occuuuur.

I was relieved by his words, and I felt a little less angry about not being the one to come out to him myself. I still think my friend's actions, though did with good intent, was wrong.

2001-02-16 15:05:00; She asked when do I want to start T.........
During my last session, my therapist asked me when I would like to start T. It took every fiber of my being not to jump up from my seat and yell I want to start it yesterday!!!!

But instead we hammered out a realistic timeline. There is absolutely no way that I can research endos and talk to each and still concentrate on finishing up my dissertation. My boss wants my dissertation on March 1st. I'll likely have a month for edits before I defend my work to my committee. So it looks like April Fool's Day will be the day I start in earnest.

We also discussed me going to a ftm support group so I can meet other guys like me. I'd really like to do this even if it means driving to Atlanta. I'm on 2 email support lists and that is helful, but I'd really like to meet some guys personally.

So my goal is to have shot 1 by May 1st.

2001-02-17 18:31:00; Do I look guy enough?......
Well, I had to break down and buy some glasses yesterday. I prefer to wear contact lenses, but my eyes have mutinied against that idea. I spend over two hours looking at all the styles - trying on pair after pair - asking myself with each one "Do I look guy enough?" I tried on every pair in the men's section twice, but most didn't fit my face and some even made me look more girly. I don't think I have a man's face. I think I rather have the face of a 14 year old boy.

This is an odd time in my transition. I feel like a 6 year old who has just discovered the differences in the sexes, and who is now putting everything in two boxes - a boy box and a girl box. I catch myself going through the clothes in my closet - throwing aside anything I find too feminine (even though they all came from the men's department). I've cut my hair short even though I prefer it longer. I've even picked out a new shampoo because the bottle looked more masculine.

A part of the reason that I'm doing these things is because for the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to indulge in the masculine world. No longer am I concerned what people might think if they see me folding men's briefs in the laundry mat, or if they see me buying a men's tie. I'm also sure that this need to weigh things in my everyday life on the scale of masculinity will cease once I pass on a daily basis. Let me grow a little facial hair and I'll be buying my old shampoo again.

In the end, I picked out a pair of small wire framed glasses. I don't reckon the Marlboro Man would be caught dead in them, but they suit this geek just fine.

2001-02-18 14:01:00; Come out, come out where ever you are.....
Well, since finding out that my friend outed me to my boss I've been walking the halls of my department wondering who else knows. Wondering if people are acting differently toward me.

I think my department head knows. He's been super nice to me - stopping to talk to me every time he sees me in the hall. I want to just say "You know, don't you???". But if he doesn't actually know, I don't really want to go through the whole story yet again. I wish I could just put up a poster or send a departmental email and just get it over with, but I still have concerns about a couple of folks on my committee.

You know I was really starting to think these people were a little slow. It seems rather obvious what my intentions have been for the past few months. I changed my name in September, I started to bind and pack in November, and I cut off most of my hair last month. But I have since heard that the joke around the department is "When is the operation?" Of course they don't ask me this (and I would be more than happy to answer them), but at least they aren't as dim as I once thought they were.

2001-02-20 10:40:00; Hello sir, yes sir, have a good day sir.......
What a day and it's only 10 in the morning. I went to pick up my new glasses today, and I passed not once, not twice, but three times. With the first person I figured it was just luck - she hardly looked up at me when she took my receipt. But the second person fitted my glasses for me. I spoke to her, telling her the adjustments I needed (I have one ear lower than the other :), and I thought my voice would give me away. But she called me sir throughout our whole conversation - never a hesitation. Then on the way out oof the store, a third person said have a good day sir.

Wow, I've never passed so well. I did give myself another hair cut yesterday. I only took off a millimeter here and there, but I shaped my hair with more angle. The first time I cut it more or less rounded to my head. I think that helped make a difference. I think my mannerisms are better too, and I can hold my voice flat longer now than I could before.

I know this day was an exception. It won't be so easy all the time, especially with spring around the corner, but it sure did make my day!

2001-02-21 21:50:00; I don't feel sick......
I just saw the new version of HBIGDA Standards of Care, and I find that it bothers me more than a little bit that they call transsexuality a gender disorder. I'm not going to go on a rant about how it is a system controlled by various levels of gatekeepers, though I think it's ridiculous that I can't have top surgery without someone saying it's ok, while any woman can get implants the size of beach balls if she wants to. No, this is more or less a rant about being told I have a disorder - a gender identity disorder. I know exactly who I am - I've known who I am from a very early age. Just because other people don't understand it doesn't mean that I'm the one with the disorder.

Here are the 2001 standards if you care to see them.

2001-02-22 22:32:00; Trying to find the needle in the hay stack.........
Well, I have the defense of dissertation my coming up soon and not a thing to wear! What is a boy to do?????

I hate shopping, but I find pouring over all the rejects at the Goodwill to be quite an adventure. I buy a lot of my work clothes there, but never anything more dressy. I'm not really the suit type - well at least not yet. I look at them in the department stores from time to time, but can't afford them. And anyway, after a few months on T, I'll have outgrown it.

Let me tell you what, there are some ugly suits at Goodwill. I'd say 12 bad ones to every decent one. But at least I found a few worth trying on. For a suit coat, I must be a rather popular size. A 42 will fit me, but a 44 fits a tad better. But the pants were another story. Most were cut too short (I've got a 34 inseam) or wouldn't fit over my hips (I hate those things). So in the end I just bought two rather new suit coats - a gray one and a brown one. I then bought myself a pair of black trousers to go along with them. All together it cost me $10. Not bad, I just hope I don't have nightmares about all the leisure suits I had to wade through to find my treasures. *shudder*

2001-02-23 13:21:00; An adjustment here and an adjustment there......
I passed again today after a lengthy conversation with a woman at a store. I think I'm starting to get the hang of it - that is to say, getting a hang what I have to do to pass.

Prior to now, I've always felt awkward when a sales clerk called me sir. Something must show when I feel that way, because the person I would be speaking to would eventually "correct" themselves - apologize and then call me ma'am from that point on.

I think the secret to passing is nine-tenths attitude. Just in the past couple of weeks I've made subtle adjustments in my demeanor and body language that seem to over come the physical features that don't jive as male for most people.

When the sales clerk called me sir, I just smiled and commented on what a nice day it was. We then chit-chatted for a while. I never hesitated nor did I feel awkward. I just went with it. She seemed none the wiser after our transaction was complete.

2001-02-24 19:46:00; Welcome to the club.......
Toward the end of my last session with my therapist, she brought up an interesting idea. She told me that she wondered who would be the one to welcome me to manhood so to speak - Like a father does to his son. A very innteresting idea, and one I never thought about before. Surely there will be a significant event that let's me know that I'm considered a man.

I remember reading about James Green in Cameron's Body Alchemy. James joined an all male drumming group. Perhaps this was that welcoming to manhood event for him. I've been thinking it over for a couple days now, and I think I came up with one way this event could happen for me.

Last Thanksgiving I went to my boss' house for dinner. After dinner some people got up from the table and began to talk. Slowly the house polarized - Men in one room and women in another. I sat awkwardly in the breeze way of the two rooms. I didn't want to be in the conversation about weddings in the room that the women were in, but I didn't feel welcomed by the room the men were in. So I eventually sat at the table and heard all the details of an upcoming wedding. I was there not because I had anything to add - I was there because my genitalia determined what room I would be welcome in.

I guess perhaps the day when I'm welcomed into the room where the guys are lingering in their turkey high and discussing anything but a wedding, will be the day I'm welcomed into manhood by others.

2001-02-26 20:52:00; Homesick....
I'm terribly homesick at the moment. I miss my family and I want to have some of my mom's cooking in my stomach.

I've notice lately my mom has been more distant on the telephone when we talk. I tell her more and more about what's going on in my transition. I'm excited about it, but I can tell it's beginning to wear on her. I also know she's thinking about my sister, and how she will react to the news of my transition.

I've decided that I cannot wait any longer. I predict that my sister will not easily accept my choice, but I hate keeping this secret. My sister doesn't even know about my name change. I was going to send her a check the other day - forgetting that my new name was on it. I had to take the check from the envelope and put in cash instead. I feel to keep this secret brings shame to it all, and I'm not ashamed.

Click here for MARCH 2001 ENTRIES

Click here to go back to MOST RECENT ENTRIES