2001-03-01 22:08:00; The things a bio man doesn't go through.....
My ribs are killing me. I think I've been wearing my binder too tight and now my ribs hurt even when I'm not wearing my binder. I dread that Spring is right around the corner and I will have to wear lighter clothes. As it is now, I bind less tightly because I'm generally wearing a couple of layers, and my ribs already hurt.

I think I might spend some time trying to design something more suitable. Something lighter and less constricting on my ribs. I can't imagine doing this for another month let alone a year.

2001-03-05 19:07:00; Spider-senses-a-tingling.....
I was in the library yesterday evening. I was walking over to the elevator to catch a ride to the 4th floor when I saw 4 young guys pushing the elevator button. I gave them a quick glance and felt concern race over me. I didn't hesitate in my step, I just kept walking past them to the stairs.

I'm not sure why they concerned me so. They didn't say anything to me. In fact, I'm not sure they even noticed me, but something just told me the situation wasn't right.

I find that I'm far more cautious these days, especially around young men. I don't think I look a great deal different than I did a year ago before I made the decision to transition. Then I would have thought nothing of going on the elevator with them. But something has definitely changed inside me since deciding to transition. I worry a bit more about my safety. Perhaps it's all my friends telling me to get out of the South. Maybe their words are shaking me up. I'm not sure.

What I do know is that I should listen to my gut reaction. A few stairs is a small price to pay for peace of mind, but I also have to make sure I'm not beginning to act like a victim. It is ok to be scared and uncomfortable in certain situations, but it isn't ok to let others in on that feeling. That can be very dangerous.

On the lighter side, I can't help but think that the lessons learned now will only help me once I start to use men's restrooms in public.

2001-03-07 18:53:00; Oh what a feeling.....
Today, I made an appointment with an endo. The first endo on my list couldn't get me in for nearly 2 months. My heart dropped down into my shoes when I hear the secretary say the wait would be that long. I've been waiting a lifetime and 60 days shouldn't make a difference, but they really do. So, I decided to try the second endo on my list. Word has it he isn't Mr. Personality, but he's cheaper than my first choice. I was thrilled to hear that he could get me in on March 30th. I still wish it were tomorrow, but I reckon I'll survive.

I still hold on to some reservations. I'm not jumping up and down yet. I'm still concerned that something will happen that will prevent me from taking T. I've saved money and that isn't as much of an issue as it was a while back. Now I'm just more concerned about my health. I feel good and I'm never really sick, but I worry that there might be a little something that will show up on a blood test. I'm just not going to celebrate until I have a needle in my ass full of T.

2001-03-09 07:58:00; Where should my pennies go.....
I've been thinking ahead a bit to top surgery. I figure it's still a ways down the road, but I've definitely formed opinions about some of the surgeons out there. I've even written emails to a few of them. I wrote to Brownstein and Fischer a few months ago, then a surgeon in Texas about a month ago, and then to Dr. Menard a week ago. Brownstein wrote me an email and a snail mail letter himself. Taking time to carefully outline the procedures he does. I got a fairly informational email from Dr. Fischer's nurse. Absolutely no response from the guy in Texas. And from Menard, I got an incredible amount of information about his top surgery, as well as the surgical center and even metaidoioplasties.

What intrests me most is how I could almost predict what information I would get from whom. I could do this just by looking at the webpages of these surgeons. For the guy in Texas and for Dr. Fischer, no mention is ever made regarding FTM surgeries on their webpages. Though I'm not sure about the guy from Texas, I know that Fischer gets quite a bit of buisness from us FTM guys, and it pisses me off more than a little bit that she makes no reference to the services she provides to us. I get the impression that she doesn't want to upset her more mainstream patients.

But when I check out Menard's and Brownstein's webpages, I sense no such reservations on these two doctor's part. I get the impression that they not only appreciate their transgendered patients, they also cater to them.

I just can't see myself going to a doctor that seems snubs us - that doesn't appreciate our business. It brings out the activist in me, and I will see to it that only someone who appreciates me will get all the shiny pennies I've been saving.

2001-03-12 12:24:00; Guess what sis......
I came out to my sister this weekend. I feel relieved to finally have that task out of the way. It all seemed more or less like a formality, rather than anything significant. There actually wasn't much dread about it. In fact, I was dreading seeing Hannibal more than talking to my sister.

I called her up at work on Sunday and asked if she would stop by my Mom's house after work. She asked what for, and I told her I needed to talk to her. She begged me to tell her on the phone so she wouldn't have to wait, but instead I just told her that I made a decision about my life and I just wanted to tell her about it. Frustrated with the little information I gave her, she agreed to come over after work.

Originally, I had planned to have this discussion with my Mom present, but when my sister pulled into the driveway, my Mom excused herself. I chit chatted with my sister for a few minutes, but then sensed her nervousness. I decided to just tell her right away - no sugar coating. She didn't seemed shocked or disappointed or repulsed. She just told me that it's my life and I have to ultimately live with my decisions. I said yes that was true, but that her and her children were very important to me, and I wanted to keep them in my life.

I also told her that I had long sensed her feelings about me being gay, and that I knew it bothered her. She denied me being gay ever bothered her, though I have been told by my mother that she doesn't feel at all comfortable with having a lesbian for a sister. In fact, her whole demeanor is nearly exactly like her demeanor when I came out as a lesbian to her years ago. And I suspect her reactions to me in the future will be the same. Yes, I've told her and yes, she's told me that it doesn't bother her, but it's all far from being over with.

One thing I know about my family is that we generally stick our heads in the sand and just wait and pray for the bad things to go away. I will be the elephant sitting on the dinner table that everyone pretends not to see, just as I was as a lesbian. The only difference now will that I'll be an elephant with a beard.

2001-03-14 14:17:00; Feels like a Monday......
Man, I'm bummed today. I had a rough morning. I got my letter for the endo and that was great, but I was on the edge of tears all morning long. I decided to go home for lunch and decompress a little. While walking out to my car I felt myself starting to cry and I really just wanted to sit on the curb of the parking lot and just wail for a bit, but instead I got into my car and started to drive home. Wouldn't you know it - I had a fucking car wreck. No one was injured and there was no damage to my car and little damage to the car I hit, but still it just made my day suck that much more. Grrrrrr it feels just like a Monday.

2001-03-15 14:44:00; Spending my transition fund.....
I found a great web site today. Check it out if you have the time.

adventuresinboyland

It gives tons of tips, most of which I've read before, but they're written in a much more humorous manner. They also give a link to a place you can find a binder that fits like a shirt - called the body shirt. It's made of nylon and spandex, and only costs 17.99. That's a lot cheaper than the gynocomastia vest I've seen, but I'm not sure it works as well. Here is the web addy for the body shirt: underworks

I've decided to buy one and try it out. My ribs are still killing me even though I'm not binding as tightly lately. I'll let you guys know how it works. I'm on the small size (not quite a B) so I'm holding out hope that it works, but either way I'll give you guys my review of the product once I get it.

*Subtracting 18 bucks from my transition fund*

2001-03-16 11:45:00; Whew........
I'm not sure how to describe my mood for the past week. I'm a little numb, fairly angry and getting resentful. I think I'm just tired of the way things are going lately. My mom backs out of helping me come out to my sister. A friend tells me she is going through a grieving process (I guess for the loss of Michelle), and then yesterday I tried to explain to a lesbian friend that a penis doesn't make a man. I'm just fed up with it all.

*****

My mom and some of my friends are going through a gloomy, morose phase. Grieving perhaps for the loss of Michelle, but I think it is grieving more for the loss of stability in their gender rigid world. I think my mom is worried about what the rest of the world will think once they find out this "terrible" secret. I sense one of my friends is questioning everything that happened between us before I came out as a tranny boy. And another friend doesn't want to tell his roommate about me because he's afraid his roommate will make fun of him for being friends with me.

Granted I know that my transition doesn't just affect me. I realize that I've had a lifetime to deal with these matters and these people have only had months, but I'm flat out tired of trying to comfort them. Other than my best friend Don and my shrink, no one asks me how things are going. Most days things are great and I'm happier than I've every been in my life. But some days are overwhelming. And I just don't feel like I can talk to these people because they are still dealing with the trauma of realizing the world is also made up of people like me - people who are gendered by things other thhan chromosomes and genitalia.

******

Then recently I've had some experiences with the gay community. Quite frankly they can be less accepting than the het community. I wrote to the university's gay and lesbian organization and asked if they might have any trans members. I just want to meet other transgendered people here in town rather than having to drive to Atlanta. I got absolutely no response from them, and I'm pissed about that....

I've never been a strong voice in the queer community. My activism fell more into my daily routine and how I thought I could change life on a more personal level, i.e. changing the thoughts of non-queer people by living and working side by side with them. But now I feel more segregated from the queer community than ever before, and I'm getting angry about it. How can gays and lesbians feel so removed from us??? Did you know that transsexuals are seen by the mental health community as having a disorder? Are gays and lesbians still viewed by the mental health community in this manner? Wouldn't they be up in arms if they were? I'm pissed at a community that would think that their battle has moved on.

Then I had an exchange with a lesbian friend online. She wanted to know if I've thought this decision through. Fair question I suppose, but I think one that shows no real understanding about what it feels like to be different in this world. Here is a queer person who bucks against the heterosexual system - a person you would think would know how ddifficult that is. And she thinks I just want to cut off my tits because I woke up this morning with an urge to do so.

Then she asks me about bottom surgery (big on most people's minds). I tell her that I don't intend to have bottom surgery until there are more options - more advances. Her response to me was "Why do it then???" Meaning, why go through this transition if you can't have a dick. Perhaps some men can be summed up by their dicks, but I'd like to think I would not.

******

I'm trying hard not to just shut myself down to these people. I've been a patient person all my life and I'm trying harder now, but I'm just so tired of it all. I want just one of these people to recognize what it takes to travel this road. I don't want pity and I don't want pats on the back, I just want respect. I want them to see something other than an oddity - a freak. I want people to look me in the eye and see a person who is doing what they have to do to be happy in this world.

I used to feel guilty about my decision when I saw people struggling just to stay alive. Seeing hungry people or sick people or people with physical afflictions that I could never imagine having to live through. I felt guilty for wanting to change something as insignificant as my physical sexual characteristics. But I'm now willing to bet that any of these people who are so much more less fortunate than I am would understand me. They of all people would know how important it is to be happy. I also feel they would know what it means to be able to live your life for yourself and not to live it by the terms dictated by a disease, discomfort, or even society. They would also probably tell me not to waste my time being resentful.......

2001-03-18 16:33:00; Ho-hum.....
Nothing interesting has happened recently, but I'm afraid that if I don't update this journal every couple of days I'll get out of the habit of doing so. I'm not very dedicated when it comes to tasks like this.

One of the cool things that happened this week was when I went out to eat with some friends. The waitress sirred me the whole time. I think it freaked out my friends a bit, but it thrilled me. It has been one of the rare times I've passed with a younger person. I reckon she was 18 or 19. It's tougher to pass with that age group.

However, I didn't pass with the fella I was making a hotel reservation with on the phone. My voice is a frustrating factor. I've been trying to re-train my voice. Trying not to raise my voice at the end of sentences and hold it flatter. I don't try to lower though - hopefully hormones will do that. I find if I try to lower it, it just comes off fake. I'll continue to work on it and hope hormones will help a bit.

I also came out to a cousin of mine this week - someone I thought might understand, but got no response from her. Well, that isn't exactly true. I got a forwarded email sent to all her friends about an uplifting tale of not committing suicide. I'm not sure what to makeof it. But what I do know is that I'm going to limit my exposure to negative, unaccepting, non-interacting people for a while. I'm not going to lay myself out like I did with my sister, my cousin and that gay and lesbian support group. I'm just not coming out to any more people until I'm in a better place. A place where I feel a little more secure. I'm going to dwell on the good stuff for a while, and keep the frustration of the unaccepting to a minimum for a time. I'm not saying I'm giving up on the people in my life, but I'm going to realize things won't change over night. They want time??? I'll give them time. But I'm also going to move on with or without them.

2001-03-19 17:00:00; You get what you pay for.....
I got my body shirt today (the binder I talk about a couple of days ago). I've got it on right now and I have to say it's made my ribs feel better already. However, it doesn't make me as flat as I want to be. I use a waist trimmer as my usual binder and I can get a pretty flat appearance with that.

The good thing about the body shirt is that it's made of a very light material. I can see myself wearing this in the summer with little trouble. The bad thing is that it holds in my stomach area better than the stupid mounds on my chest. I bought the smallest size they had, but it's still a bit too big. It slims me down enough if I'm wearing a couple of layers, but I don't think it will work under just a t-shirt. I have a very slight chest (34 inches) so maybe I'll grow into it a bit when I'm on T, but until then I'll just wear an extra layer.

I guess it's a problem that we all have to deal with....A problem that could go away for measly $7000.

2001-03-21 08:20:00; Lesson 101 again and again and again...........
Life keeps handing me the same lesson over and over again - perhaps with the hope that I'll finally learn it and take it to heart. The lesson being: Things don't always happen the way we plan them.

I've decided that perhaps I'm asking too much to think of my family and some of my friends as a primary support system in this phase of my transition. I love all of them, but it's like I've planned a trip with (or maybe I should say it's like I've planned a trip for) these people, but when I'm ready to leave I find out they haven't even packed their bags yet. It's not their fault necessarily. It's not even because they don't care about me. It's just that their time schedule and planned route is different than mine.

So now I'm at a point in my transition that I can either postpone my trip to adjust to the time schedules of my family and friends, or begin without them. I can either re-route my trip to follow their directions, or I can follow the map I've drawn for myself. It simply comes down to that.

I'll never stop loving the important people in my life, but I'm going to follow my heart and take off on this journey. And I'm going to try to have as much fun as possible along the way.

2001-03-24 13:53:00; Am I my grandfather's grandson?
Now that spring is here, I've been working in the field a lot more. It's an activity that makes me think of my grandfather quite a bit. I never met my maternal grandfather. He died several years before I was born, and until I was in my mid 20's I never knew much about him. However, when I began to study soils, my mother noticed similarities between my grandfather and myself. He was a skilled farmer who used sound environmental practices - some of the same practices I study and use today.

I think about him often as I wash the day's dirt from my hands - wondering if I wash my hands the same way he did. Am I my grandfather's grandson?

I feel so strongly connected to this man I've never met. He exists in my daily life and I truly feel on some levels he even guides me. I so wish now that I had not been so practical in my name change. I keep the same initials of my first and middle name and the same last name for the sake of my publications. I so wish now that I had taken his name.

2001-03-25 14:02:00; A wink and a finger pistol shot from the hip...........
Even though physically I'm not very different than I was a year ago, I'm realizing that I feel better in my own skin. I look forward to the changes I'll see with hormones, but I also like the changes I've seen evolving inside of me. I truly feel like a man even though my body may send other visual signals.

I've always been a fairly confident person, especially when it came to work, but I always felt vulnerable around women - maybe even a little intimidated. If a woman looked at me I would be more likely to turn away than to return the look. I felt she saw only what my physical body displayed. I felt she only saw a woman and not the man inside of me. This was probably the case, but now I feel differently.

I don't pass 100% - I realize this, but I feel myself allowing the man inside of me to show through. If a woman looks at me now I return the look and smile. (There is a monster flirt inside of me). I don't do the wink and finger pistol shoot at any of the women, but I give them a smile and I hold their look for a lot longer then I'd ever thought possible for me. Even if she only sees a woman, I know it was a man that interacted with her.

2001-03-28 11:51:00; No such thing as unconditional support.......
Yesterday, my shrink gave me an excerpt of a hilarious book for parents of teenagers. The chapter she gave me was called "The boy who had sexual feelings". With my endo appointment only days away, she handed it to me and said welcome to manhood. Told in comic strip ease, the little chapter gave me details of everything I could expect in my second puberty. The main point being that I will see breasts everywhere (like I don't already have a problem with that one :-). It was a very kind gesture from her. I truly think I would be lost without my shrink.

I hear of guys who go to a therapist once or twice and get their letter for the endo, and that's the last time they ever see their therapists. I used to think how great that would be - just think of the time and money I could save if I was lucky enough to get a shrink like that. Now I don't feel that way at all. Of course therapy is different for everyone, and I would never think of myself as an authority on the topic, but I'm glad I didn't end up with a one-visit therapist. I just know I would have taken the easy way out.

In the last 3 months I've hit some very choppy waters - I broke up with a girlfriend, got outed at work, and felt disconnected from my family and some of my friends. The one constant during this time was my weekly opportunity to vent it out with my shrink. I think without that time I would surely have become overwhelmed and probably depressed.

There is one sad fact that I've discovered recently. There is no such thing as an unconditional support. Everyone has conditions - even parents do. The great thing about my therapy is that the requirements to receive support is less complex than that with other people - Show up on time, be honest and pay your bill. It's clean and efficient....not much else in life is.

2001-03-29 09:53:00; Tired of holding my breath.......
Today, I leave for Atlanta - tomorrow is my first appointment with myy endocrinologist. I'm a little nervous, somewhat excited, but mostly ready to get this step over with. I'm just tired of waiting - tired of trying to keep my emotions in check. I've too afraid to be happy about this trip in case something happened and I was denied T.

2001-03-30 22:09:00; On the bright side, at least he thought I was a bio guy......
With nervous excitement I found I didn't need an alarm clock to get up for my appointment. Once at the doctor's office I finally started to relax a bit. The staff called me Michael, which was ok. It was the wrong name but at least it was a male name. A nurse finally took me back to an exam room and ask why I was there. I told her to start hormone replacement therapy. I always worry a bit when I tell people that for fear they will all of a sudden treat me like a freak. I once called a nearby medical school and asked if their endocrinologist would treat transsexuals, and the lady I spoke to said "Oh my God! No, we don't do that sort of thing!!!". But my revelation didn't seem to faze this nurse. She scribbled something down on my chart and told me that the doctor would be in to see me soon. Why do they lie like that.....they always leave you in the exam room for 45 minutes with 15 year old magazines.

Finally the doctor showed up. I had heard he wasn't Mr. Personality, but he seemed very friendly. He did give me a puzzled look initially though. Sitting across from me, he began to ask a few questions. He first asked if I had ever dressed as a female? I hesitated for a second, not understanding why he would ask that question and said yes. "Good" he replied. He then asked if I had ever lived as a woman? Now I was really confused, but I answered yes. "Uh huh" he answered. Then he said he wanted to go over all the effects of estrogen. I scratched my head and said "don't you mean testosterone????????????" He looked up at me totally confused and then began shuffling through my chart. The good doctor thought I was MTF. Now I'm not sure how to take that. I've decided that I'm going to look at the bright side and think it's cool that he thought I was a bio guy, and not freak out that he thought I wanted to be a woman.

He seemed a little more relaxed after we straighten out the confusion and he answered all the questions I had. He gave me an exam, and then asked if I wanted my first shot today. Trying not to jump straight out of my chair in excitement, I said "yes, that would be very nice". After having some blood drawn and peeing in a cup, a wonderful nurse came in and asked me to drop my pants, and a second later my hormone therapy had begun.

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