Journal-February 2002 

2002-02-04; I'm so vain ....

I think I'm entering into a slightly vain part of my transition. I'm really starting to develop, and I'm in love with the changes I see. Being a guy is so much better than I ever dreamt it to be. Here are a few things I'm loving lately about myself lately.

I reckon it's ok to indulge in a few of these things. Getting the body I've always felt was supposed to be mine has been a long time coming, so I'm going to forgive my vainity for now, and just enjoy.

2002-02-07; Wise beyond his years ....

One of the less fortunate side effects of my transition is how young I appear now. Well, I guess it isn’t all due to my transition, genetics have a bit to do with it as well. Most in my family looks younger than their years. However, prior to my transition (in my life as a woman), I was never carded when I bought alcohol. Now, I’m lucky if I pass for my mid twenties, and I'm always carded.

Most people think this is a silly thing to bitch about. Who wouldn’t want to look younger? Well, I suppose when I’m 45 it will be a benefit to look 35, but right now I think it is a disadvantage to look 25. I’m finding it really hard to meet women my age. I think I’m a decent looking guy, but I don’t seem to get any serious interest. I think I’m dismissed a lot easier than other guys my age. I don’t get credit for my experience and knowledge. I also think my appearance will impair me when I start looking for a teaching gig. How am I suppose to command respect from my students when I look just like them?

I’m not sure what to do to look older. It doesn’t seem to matter how I dress. If I wear a tie to work, I just look like a preppy school kid. If I dress casually, I really don’t look any different from any other male student on campus. I’ve also tried combing and cutting my hair in different ways, but that doesn't seem to matter either. 

It’s all a silly thing to worry about, but I do wish I could get credit for the years I’ve lived

2002-02-09; I gave it two months to live ....

Today marks the one year anniversary of this journal. No small feat for me - I’ve never kept a journal in my life. Every now and then, I look back through those earlier entries, and I’m sort of surprised how things have changed in one year. From time to time I’ll address a prior entry and write about how I feel things have changed (or haven’t changed).

2002-02-12; I always got a kick out of the guys who pose in the gym's mirrors (flashback)....

A year ago, I wrote how I felt uncomfortable working out in the gym. I seemed less comfortable with my body the closer I got to starting my transition. Well, I still work out today, but I still don’t work out at the gym. I just don’t feel comfortable wearing the bare minimum of clothes. I wear a binder that is configured of two layers, and usually a t-shirt or two, and another shirt or sweater over that. Wearing all these layers isn’t really a problem in the winter months, but in the gym I move in ways that would make my chest apparent, and I also worry that something might happen and my binder will show. So I’m still not working out in front of the mirrors at the gym. 

I’m getting really impatient about top surgery. I think about it often. I think about how great it will be not to wear this tight binder any more. I think of how much more comfortable I’ll be. I think about how much freedom it will give me.

My surgery is only 69 days away, but it can’t come fast enough. Just think I can go swimming for the first time as an adult at age 35!

2002-02-18; Trapped in a 19 year old frat boy's body.....

Me: Do you have any wielding rods?
Lowe‘s Clerk: Half way down the isle and to the right.
Me: Thanks.
LC: Wow, I thought you might be 19 until I noticed all your gray hair.
Me: Yeah, I’m 34.

I go off to get my wielding rods, but return to the same clerk.

LC: I just can’t believe you’re 34. I bet you got carded all the time after you turned 21.
Me: I still get carded.
LC: I thought you were just another frat boy coming up here to give me grief.
Me: Nope, I’ve never belonged to a fraternity.
LC: With that t-shirt on, you look just like one.
Me (sarcastically): Thanks
LC: Your wife must hate it.
Me: I’m not married. *muttering* What 30 year old woman would date me?

So, if I can’t find a woman who will see past me looking like a kid, how can I find a woman who can see past my transsexuality???????? *sigh*

2002-02-19; A little number crunching....

I really love this new website called Transster . It's going to be a great resource for transmen.

Tonight I visited the site, and decided to do a little number crunching. I hope the webmasters don't mind if I post my findings here - I think they're interesting. Please note this is a very small sample size, so these findings shouldn't be considered as a representative sample of the true population of transmen post top surgery. As they say, this is just for your pondering.

As of February 19, 2002, here are the top surgery results I found.

DOUBLE INCISION SURGERY
31 double incision surgery results are shown.
7 had revisions performed, and 24 had not had a revision done.
7 replied that they wanted a future revision done, and 24 said they did not.

DOUBLE INCISION COSTS
Cost of double incision surgery varied quite a bit, so I broke the costs into $1000 increments.

Of those who recorded the cost of surgery:
8 surgeries between $7000-8000
2 surgeries between $6000-6999
6 surgeries between $5000-5999
1 surgery between $4000-4999
1 surgery between $3000-3999

DOUBLE INCISION SURGEONS
BROWNSTEIN - 18 surgeries - 4 had revisions - 14 had no revision - 2 want a future revision - 16 do not want any future revision.

FISCHER - 4 surgeries - 2 had revisions - 2 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 3 do not want any future revision.

REARDON - 4 surgeries - 0 had revisions - 4 had no revision - 2 want a future revision - 2 do not want any future revision.

BUBAK - 2 surgeries - 1 had a revision - 1 had no revision - 0 want a future revision - 2 do not want any future revision.

RAPHAEL - 1 surgery - 0 had revision - 1 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 0 do not want any future revision.

SRTAHY - 1 surgery - 0 had revisions - 1 had no revision - 0 want a future revision - 1 does not want any future revision.

MAGNASSON - 1 surgery - 0 had revisions - 1 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 0 does not want any future revision.


KEYHOLE SURGERY RESULTS
7 keyhole surgery results are shown.
3 had revisions performed, and 4 had not had a revision done.
3 replied that they wanted a future revision done, and 4 said they did not.


KEYHOLE COSTS
For keyhole surgery costs I did the same breakdown.

Of those who recorded the cost of surgery:
0 surgeries between $7000-8000
2 surgeries between $6000-6999
3 surgeries between $5000-5999
0 surgeries between $4000-4999
0 surgeries between $3000-3999
1 surgery less than $3000

KEYHOLE SURGEONS
FISCHER - 1 surgery - 0 had revisions - 1 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 0 do not want any future revision.

REARDON - 1 surgery - 1 had a revision - 0 had no revision - 0 want a future revision - 1 does not want any future revision.

STEIN - 1 surgery - 1 had a revision - 0 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 0 do not want any future revision.

CHING - 1 surgery - 0 had a revision - 1 had no revision - 0 want a future revision - 1 does not want any future revision.

BRASSARD - 1 surgery - 1 had a revision - 0 had no revision - 0 want a future revision - 1 does not want any future revision.

O'SULLIVAN - 1 surgery - 0 had a revision - 1 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 0 does not want any future revision.

TIEWTRANAN - 1 surgery - 0 had a revision - 1 had no revision - 1 wants a future revision - 0 does not want any future revision.

I really want to thank the guys that started Transster . It’s a great website!
I encourage all transguys to share their surgery results with this website.

2002-02-22; Ain't this cool???

I’ve spent the better part of the day looking for and applying to teaching positions across the US. A couple of places I applied to had this to say about their hiring policy at the bottom of their announcements.

[this Place of Employment] is committed to excellence and actively supports cultural diversity. To promote this endeavor, we invite individuals who contribute to such diversity to apply, including minorities, women, GLBT, persons with disabilities and veterans.

[this Place of Employment] is committed to increasing the diversity of its faculty so our disciplines, students and the community can benefit from multiple ethnic and gender perspectives.

Pretty cool. I’m not really suited for either job, unless they bend the parameters of what they are looking for, but in this world, I‘m quite used to being the square peg in the round hole.

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