Journal-March 2002
 
2002-03-03; My to-do list....

I find there is less and less to write about in my journal. I certainly feel I still have lots of unfinished 'projects' in my transition, but most of the uncertainty I felt when I began this journal is gone. I don't think about my transition as much as I did just three months ago.

Socially, my transition is practically completed. I live my life as I always dreamt I could. About the only good thing I can say about my current job is that it's giving me the opportunity to adjust. I don't have to convince anyone that my male self is the me - the true me. I realize this is only the case because they have nothing in the past to compare me to, but it's given me time to find a new balance. I believe I deserve that chance.

Surgically, my transition will be nearly complete in a little over a month. I say that because top surgery seems to be so much more of the transition than the 'getting a dick' part. I don't believe lower surgery will complete my transition - though it might enhance my state of mind.

I find that I think of transition very little these days. In fact, I only sit down to contemplate it when I feel I should update my journal. During my day to day activities I give very little thought to it. I have a moment in the morning when I place my prosthetic in my briefs, and when I bind my chest. Sometimes I have a moment when someone refers to me as sir - or he - or him. Every now and then I haave a momeent when I wonder what my co-workers would think if I told them about myself. But in all other parts of my life it rarely comes up. I feel fluid, strong, sure, and complete for the first time in my life.

Now all this talk of being at a more completed state in my transition doesn't mean there aren't unfinished 'projects' that don't need attending to. These 'projects' nag me like a to-do list attached to the fridge door by a magnet.

I still have a lot to work to do on family relationships. I feel like I've done quite a bit - maybe even more than my fair share, but there is more to be done. I still hope for the day that I can be as much a part of my family as I was before my transition.

I also have to figure out what to do about romantic relationships. I think I might want one soon, but I'm not sure of how much of one. I think it would be great to find a girl I could go out with and spend time with, but I don't think I ready for a heavily committed relationship. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I feel like I'm still in a very selfish time in my life. I don't think I can hold up my end of a relationship when I enjoy being so self-indulgent. Second, it opens up many areas I'm not ready to pry into yet. I can't date anyone without telling them my status, and right now I like being thought of unconditionally as male. This bothers me a great deal. I feel great pride in the choice I've made, but I find myself for many reasons not wanting to disclose my status. I'm no fool. I know there are people out there who will never see me as a man. While I believe women are more understanding of such things, I don't really think any straight or queer woman will accept me unconditionally as a man. I don't have any experiences with straight women, but I think the fact I don't have certain factory equipment will always set me aside in a different category in their minds. And I think queer women also have ways of setting transguys apart from men. When I broke up with my last girlfriend (one who seemed to be so accepting of me being a man) she called me by my female name before she hung up the phone. I didn't expect her to be nice to me after I broke up with her, but her comment made me realize I'll never be separated from the fact I transitioned in the minds of others. I'll never totally be seen for who I was born as on the inside. For this reason, I'm awfully unsure of romantic relationships right now.

All this brings me to the next unfinished 'project' in my life. I some way I need to reconcile the fact that I will never be seen by the world as the person I was born as on the inside. I will always be someone who externally changed from one form to another. For those who know my life story, the word 'transsexual' will always be connected to me. What I have to work on is whether or not I think that is a bad thing. I'm proud that I made the choice to change what I felt didn't fit with my true inner self, so in that sense I'm accepting of the word 'transsexual'. However, I will never think that word defines me as a person. How do I accept people defining me by that word? I will have to find some way to accept others definition of me if I am to be out in anyway.

Being out was important to me at one time for many reasons. To be out removes any doubt there was shame on my part during this process. To be out gives people the opportunity to know the true me. To be out allows others to feel safe about doing the same.

The more I feel my transition is complete - the more I hear the nagging from my unfinished projects list. I think I'm going to have to put on the overalls and the tool belt very soon.

2002-03-08; X marks the spot.....

Since being on testosterone, I feel like I can get a better idea what my genetic code is. I've been curious of this because there is some heart disease and male pattern baldness in my bloodline.

My maternal grandfather died of congestive heart failure and was bald.
My maternal grandmother is alive, but has Alzheimer's.

My paternal grandfather died of a heart disease which is supposedly passed on genetically.
My paternal grandmother died very young for unknown reasons, but I doubt this was uncommon for the poor in the early 1940's.

So what do I have to work with here? My make up is X X. I got an X chromosome from each parent. My father (being X Y) could only pass on the X chromosome he received from his mother. So I did not receive the gene that killed my grandfather with that heart disease.

But which X chromosome did I receive from my mother? Did I get the one from her father that was bald and had heart disease? Or did I get the one from her mother, that is living a long life but has Alzheimer's? Prior to transitioning I would have said the former, but now, after observing my hair growth, I'm going to put my money of my maternal grandmother's X chromosome.

Though my grandmother is very European looking, she is either one quarter or one half Native American (not much is known about the flight-by-night marriage my mom's maternal grandfather and grandmother had). I think the pattern of my facial hair growth indicates that maybe some Native American blood is working it's magic. If I could grow a side burn, and was losing hair on my head, I might pick the X chromosome from my maternal grandfather.

Of course this is all speculative. This certainly isn't a sure fired way to determine if I'm at risk for Alzheimer's, but I reckon I'll be making a donation to Alzheimer's research just in case.

2002-03-11; Social Studies 101.....

I've been needing some social interaction, so I've been going to clubs on the weekends. I've found that drunk Yankees are only as social as Southerners on an early Monday morning, but I'll take what I can get.

The clubs I go to are near Campustown, so they people there are way too young, but I finally decided that it didn't matter what age group it was. I'm not looking to find my next girl friend, so it doesn't matter if I talk or dance to a girl too young for me. At this point, I just need to work on my social skills. I really don't know how to walk up to women and just start talking to them. Here, at least, there are no consequences if things don't work out.

I just wish women would give more direct signals. I just can't seem to read them very well. It would help if they were just slightly more obvious about their thoughts of me.

2002-03-14; Goodbye Bruce Banner. Hello big green fella...

I've always had this thing about my personal space, but now as a man I find the boundaries have moved in a bit. I also feel that the boundary for this personal space is different depending on the gender of the person invading my space. Hmmm, perhaps it's some deep homophobic response - I don't know - I just find I'm far more pissed off when a guy encroaches than when it's a girl.

I find most of my problems happen on the bus or while waiting for the bus. Here are a few of my recent experiences:

While waiting for a bus, a fella decided to stand directly next to me even though there wasn't another soul at the bus stop. I felt my bloodpressure rising, and I felt my breathing getting rapid. So I moved a few feet over and the fucker followed me over. I wanted to punch him in the gut.

I usually get on the bus early on the route, so I always get a seat by myself for most of the way. Then, as we get close to the University, the bus fills up, and always - I mean always - it's some guy that sits next to me. I mean I understand that women probably don't like to sit next to guys, but sheesh, you'd think I'd get lucky just once.

Oh, and then there are the guys on the bus that choose to stand in front of me - crotch right in my face. What's wrong with these guys? I can't imagine sticking my crotch in the face of a man or a woman. Face forward, idiot.

Anyway, that's my rant about the dickheads that invade my personal space. I'm thinking of getting a bike, so I don't lose my Bruce Banner side.

2002-03-20; Today's math problem.....

If your past is traveling north from point A at 320 miles an hour and your present is traveling south from point B at 110 miles an hour. Where will they collide?

Answer: in Indianapolis.
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My boss told me yesterday that he'd like me to present a paper at an upcoming meeting in Indianapolis. I've presented several papers before at meetings such as this, but never as a man.

The good side to all of this is that I can finally wear the clothes I want to. Years before, I merely had to make due with the most masculine women's clothing I could find. Not this time, I can be cool and comfortable in a nice men's suit.

The down side to all of this is the chance of running in to those who don't know I've transitioned. I'm not too concerned about those from graduate school. They won't make a big deal out of it. However, I often run into old professors from undergraduate school when I attend these meetings. I can just picture it. My old professors see my name in the program, and show up to see this guy presenting (generally we only use the initials of the first and middle name - and that did not change when I changed my name).

I guess I'm just worried that the people I work with now that don't about my transition will run into the people I worked with in the past that don't know about my transition. I'll worry about it when the time comes I guess. It is still several months away.

2002-03-23; A Trannyboy's wild Friday night.....

I skipped out of work an hour early just so I could get an early start on my Friday night.

I jumped in the car and hit the nearby XXX video store. I got a video which I thought was one of a series that I have. However, when I finally got to watch it, I found it was just a bunch of clips from pornos in the eighties. Man, has porno changed in the last 15 - 20 years. I loved it though. Lots of Miami Vice music, pushed up sleeves on men's suits, and girls with huge earrings.

After the video store, I hit K-mart. I had to get my weekend supplies of cleaning stuff. Soap, shampoo, starch, dish washing liquid, oh and diet coke (I don't use that as a cleaning supply, but I like to drink it while I'm cleaning).

Once I returned home, I threw in a few loads of laundry, popped in the video, and started cleaning my house.

By time I finish the video, I had a clean house, drawers full of folded laundry, a rack of starched shirts and pants, and I even managed to jerk off a couple of times. While I'm impressed with how much I can get done in four hours, I felt it was an extremely pathetic way to spend a Friday night.


***** Side note*****

I'm scheduled for top surgery in exactly one month

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2002-03-30; Last year was the first year.....

While it’s often hard for me to believe how fast this first year on testosterone has been, in many ways it all began a lifetime ago. Last March, I struggled with those around me to acknowledge me as a man, and today those who know me, have no clue that I was anything but a man. Insecurities and impatience  possessed nearly every one of my thoughts a year ago. Today, very little time is given to my transition. I feel nearly completed. Sure, I still look at myself and hope to see more physical changes, but I’m not a slave to those thoughts any more. I’m happy in my life as a man - A man that I waited 34 years to be born.

I’m not sure if I can really ever explain how my life has changed. I try to discuss the emotional aspects of my transition in my journal, and I’ve document all of the physical changes I’ve seen, but they really don’t tell the whole story of what my life is like now. The only thing I can think of that comes close to describing how I’ve been released/unleashed is something I only told in part to my shrink. I've never told another soul this until now.

For as long as I remember, I had a fantasy life. I suppose all of us do, but perhaps some are more elaborate than others. For me, I fantasized nearly every detail of a life that was that of the man inside of me. He had everything I desired to be. He lived a life that I wanted to live. He was an ordinary guy really. He had what most would call an average life. He drove a sensible car, and had a regular job. He was a nice looking fella, but not overly good looking. He had a social life and he had girlfriends. Whenever I became too depressed about who I was, I would turn to this fantasy life. I could day dream about it for hours. While it seems like a terrible waste of time, it is probably what kept me alive all these years.

I suppose the best way I can explain how my life has changed during my transition, is to say that since last March, I’ve not spent a single moment day dreaming about this fantasy life. Sure I still have fantasies, tons of them in fact, but I don’t live my life in one anymore. 

No big celebrations are planned for this day. Instead I am taking today to reflect about change. My transition has cause a lot of people pain, but it has allowed me to live. And the life I lead now is so much more thrilling than the life I led in my fantasies.

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