I want to acknowledge all those that have visited this site in
the past year. In the one year that this site has been up, it's received
well over 21,000 hits. I've also received nearly 70 emails from people
letting me know what's on their minds. I thank all of you for helping me
through this process, and I wish all of you a very happy new year.
2002-01-01;
A year in review.....
Do you know what I hate about the end of each year? I hate those
"year in review" segments that every form of media does. You know, those
who died, who married, who divorced, what happened to whom things. But
I find beginning this year an irresistible need to have a year in review
of my 2001. It's probably the most significant year of my life thus far,
and definitely the most self-absorbed.
In many ways, 2001 was an extremely short year. It seemed to fly
by - so much occurred during the span of 365 days. Nearly every aspect
of my transition took place in 2001.
A few things happened at the end of 2000 that were significant.
I made the final decision to transition and changed my name in the fall
of 2000, and I first met with my shrink in the last week of 2000. But other
than that, my transition thus far has taken place in 2001.
Between the months of January and April, I came out to my friends
and family. By February, I was making a concerted effort to live my life
full time as a man. March 2001 I started hormones, and within two months,
I was taken as male in public all the time (though there are still a few
hold outs in my family, and among friends). By time I defended my dissertaion
in summer, all my committee was using male pronouns (or at least attempting
to). By August, I had gotten my first job as a man. In November, I had moved
to a state that allowed me to change the gender on my driver's license. I
also took my first career step as a male by taking a post-doc position in
the Midwest. And by the end of December, I had set a date for my top surgery.
Other things had happened as well. In February, I ended a relationship,
and have remained single, and (unfortunately) celibate since. I finished
my phd, and got a post-doc position at a good university in the Midwest.
I now have a great apartment in a bad neighborhood, which meant I had to
give away my beloved trailer, but I will always remain white trailer trash
deep down inside.
There were some disappointing times in 2001. I wish things with
my family could be better. I ended 2001 quite estranged from them. Though
I speak to my mother frequently, I don't feel welcomed home for family
events, and discussion of my transition is not easily tolerated. My friends
are still rather distant. A few keep in touch, but most still find it
odd and uncomfortable. Some feel it's creepy I'm sure, and others are
waiting for me to turn into a creep. I had hope with a new start in a
new place, I could meet a lot of new people, but that hasn't really been
the case either. Dating has been none existent. I went on two "sort
of" dates, but nothing other than that.
All and all, 2001 was an exciting and wonderful year. It was far
more successful than I ever imagined it could be. I finished in good
health, and with good prospects.
2002-01-06;
I found my place to urinate in the world
.....
Here's a little of what I've learned in the men's room....
In my life as a woman, I felt incredibly uncomfortable using the
restroom. I would do nearly anything not to go into a public 'labies'
room. In the times it was a necessity, I usually would try to find one
with little traffic. I would enter with my head down, praying that no one
would see me in there, and if they did, hoping they wouldn't say anything
to me. How I used to hate those whispers "Is that a boy or a girl?". My
appearance in a women's restroom had even sent ladies out to check the
sign on the door to make sure they had entered the right facility.
Those days are long gone now, but learning to use the men's room
brought on a few anxieties as well.
As soon as I started testosterone, I began using men's restrooms.
Now, in the beginning I limited these visits to just single stalled restrooms
with locking doors. I wasn't exactly ready to greet another guy in the
restroom quite yet. So in many ways, things hadn't changed too much for
me. I was still seeking out bathrooms that were well hid away, with little
traffic. I still prayed that I wouldn't bump into anyone going in or out.
I was so sure that guys that used multi stalled bathrooms had some
secret code they went by. Not necessarily a secret hand shake, but some
sort of behavior they practiced when using the restroom. Early on I felt
I would easily be spotted. I didn't feel I belonged.
I also felt that using a stall would be a dead give away as well.
I thought to myself, "how many guys pee in a stall????". So until I found
the courage to go to multi stalled restrooms I just practiced a standing
urination technique. I felt the was not only made me feel more male,
it also saved me from sitting on disgusting toilets. I've been in
men's rooms that actually looked like they were hosed in urine, and I'm
thankful to be able to stand - now I only wish I could hold my breath
longer.
I made a variety of urinary devices that would allow me to urinate
standing. Some were just fashioned out of plastic coffee can lids. I would
cut them down so that they would tightly fit against me, and still would
fit in the back pocket of my jeans. The problem with this design is that
the plastic was too flexible, and unless I yanked my pants down quite
far, it could be rather messy.
Later I shifted to the use of cut plastic bottles. These worked
very well. They are rigid and could be cut for a snug fit. I rarely had
a mishap with them. However, they were big, and hard to conceal.
I've since gone to the travelmate. I had some problems with it at
first. The outlet was too narrow, and I had quite a few accidents with
it. Not good when you're wearing light colored khakies. I have since cut
the opening of the outlet to make it wider. It works like a charm now.
It's rigid yet concealable.
Even after I perfected my standing urination technique, I continued
to use single stalled restrooms, or low traffic restrooms. I felt weird
about using a stall to pee when I was sure that all guys just use a urinal.
However, I soon realized that when I would enter a stall, the seat would
be up at least half of the time. Then once when I was in a stall of a single
stall/single urinal restroom, another guy came in. I heard him stand
at the urinal and unzip, but I could tell that he had trouble urinating.
I thought to myself that the guy must have been "pee shy", (or had a kidney
stone???). I figured he'd probably preferred to use the stall. I soon
felt more comfortable about using the men's room regardless of traffic
flow. Many guys use a stall to urinate. In fact, I once entered a restroom
where there was one guy at the row of urinals, and three guys in the stalls
urinating. It seemed like every stall I attempted to walk into had a guy
standing in it.
What a comfort it has been to finally find my place in the world
to urinate. Sounds funny I know, but it gives me a sense of peace. I don't
have to make elaborate plans to relieve myself. I don't have to walk
to some unpopulated part of a building, or worse, hold it until I reach
home. It's so wonderful not to be intimidated by another person being
in the restroom. It's a freedom I didn't really realize I deserved until
I experienced it.
2002-01-11;
When I decided to transition.....
I was talking to someone the other day about transitioning, and during
my discussion, I used the phrase "When I decided to transition......".
I kept thinking about that little phrase quite a bit.
When I decided to transition......
By putting the word "when" into that phrase, it implies to me that
it really wasn't really a decision. And truly in my heart it wasn't. For
me, there wasn't ever really a question about transitioning. It was all
more of a question of when I would transition. While it is still possible
for me to imagine never transitioning, it would only be because I didn't
determine the right time before my death.
Hmmm, I think this all sounds rather confusing. I guess what I'm
saying is that transition was inevitable for me. When I would find the
courage to do it was the only questionable part of the equation.
2002-01-15;
Someone I've never had to explain it to, though I doubt he understands.....
I saw my former boss yesterday. He flew up to attend a meeting, so
I picked him up at the airport and took him out to dinner. I had seen him
during graduation, but we didn't have a great deal of time to talk. However,
during our dinner we got to relax a bit and really chat.
He's an odd guy in some ways. He seems so conservative in many regards,
and yet he is accepting of different thoughts. When I first began to come
out to everyone about transitioning, I was told not to tell him. I was
told that it would be risky, and that I didn't want to lose many years of
hard work. I was at odds about this, but I decided to listen to what people
said.
When I was outted by my boss' wife, I felt he didn't know how to
relate to me. I felt that he avoided me. However, within a few months,
he seemed to be the only one that treated me like I wished to be treated.
I don't know if he understands all that is going on, I don't know if he
thinks it is the right thing to do, but he does respect my choice.
When I went into the conference room to defend my dissertation last
summer, I was unsure of how many people truly knew of my transition. I
had told Wes, and one other committee member, but I wasn't close enough to
the others to tell them. The outside reader that attended only knew me as
a guy, so there was this weird mixture of people in the room.
Before I began my presentation to my committee, my boss stood up and
said "(My male name) is here to day to present some of findings of his phd work, and to defend his results". I was surprised that he used male pronouns.
I didn't ask him to, mainly cause I didn't expect anyone would try even
if I had.
As the committee began to ask questions, I realized that all of them
were using male pronouns. It was obvious that my boss had taken the time
to talk to all my committee members - I really respect him for that.
Since then, he has never referred to me as anything other than my male name.
He's always used male pronouns. He's never slipped, not even once.
As we ate dinner last evening, I truly felt that he respects me and
my choices. I'm still not sure if he understands it, but he's one person
I've never had to explain it to.
2002-01-23;
I felt like who I've always been.....
This past weekend I visited friends that I haven't seen since I began
transitioning. Last time they saw me I was actually trying very hard to
be a girl and a lesbian. Though I sent them a couple of pictures over the
last few months, and have talked to them on the phone occasionally, I can
only imagine what they thought was going on with me.
I have found it difficult to keep ties with those who knew me before
transitioning. It seems like my female self is a little hard to forget, and
my male self hasn't had a chance to make a significant impression yet. I've found
it easier to let relationships slide, rather than continue to work on them.
For this reason, I was a bit anxious about seeing these friends.
I didn't feel like I had the strength to continually try to convince
them that my male self has most, if not all, the qualities my female self had. Yes,
in some ways I think differently now, I think I look and sound much different
- Hmmm, I probably even smell differenttt, but my core being still exists.
I felt it could be a very long weekend, if I had to continually try to
prove this.
When I came out to these friends a few years ago as a lesbian, it
was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I didn't
feel like a lesbian, but it did in someways describe me. I was in a woman's
body and I loved women. I felt at that time that I had to just forget the
fact I was a guy deep down inside for the sake of my career, family and
friends. I was easily accepted by them as a lesbian, but it was difficult
for me to allow them to see me that way.
I felt much more reservation in their acceptance of me as a transman.
As my friend Don would put it, "gender seems so much more fundamental".
I didn't feel an instant embrace like I did when I told them I was a lesbian.
Granted, you don't hear of someone changing their gender everyday. It has
to sound a little like someone wanting to change their race or something.
It does shake up some fundamental thoughts we have about people. But nonetheless,
I didn't feel as understood, and this fed into my anxiety about seeing
these old friends again.
As I drove into the driveway, I felt really nervous. As I knocked
on the door, I was shaking, but I also had a smile on my face. As I walked
into the house, I felt relieved that they seems so much like I remembered
them. Emily's first words were, "You're a boy!!!" and "You're so big!!".
It was reassuring in someways, but I wasn't totally sure how they felt
about me.
As it turns out, the entire weekend was comfortable. I had a great
time with them, and their little boy was a blast to hang out with. I talked
about my transition from time to time, but it wasn't the only thing we
discussed. In many ways, the time I spent with them was much like the time
I spent with them as a girl. There were even times when I felt I was
my old female self. It was an odd feeling for me. It wasn't that I felt transported
back to pre-transition times. No, it was more that I felt like who I've
always been. I felt as though I could set aside all the work of transition,
and just be me. I didn't have push to be seen as male as I feel I do with
other friends that knew me prior to transition, and I didn't feel like I
had to worry about my social skills like I do with people that didn't know
me as a girl.
2002-01-24;
Invading hair on Planet Alteredboy....
Well, it seems like it's time for an update on what's taking place on
planet Alteredboy. There isn't much to report - in fact these reports seem a
little redundant now.
Hair continues to progress over my body and face. I'm finally getting
some darker, thicker hairs on my cheeks (Still no sideburns). I grow out
my beard for a few days every now and then, but in general, it looks pathetic.
I don't think I'll make a serious attempt in growing a beard any time
soon. If I grow out what I have now, I think I'll just look younger than
I already do. I'd rather not advertise how thin my beard is, than show
off the hairs I have.
My stomach hair has made it up to the middle of my sternum, but it
remains much lighter than the hair below my navel. I now have a fine coat
of hair over my pectoral region. I think it might actually thicken up with
time. Nonetheless, I have more chest hair than my father did. Now, the
hair that is making me feel more manly these days, is the hair on my arms.
Finally, it's darkening up and getting thicker.
I haven't spoke about my gut much lately, and I'm saddened to say
that it still exist. I'm quite frustrated with it. I'm working out seriously
these days. I'm running 4 to 5 days a week and lifting weights on just as
many days. My upper body is starting to bulk up some, and my legs are getting
much toner, but my gut stubbornly holds on.
I want to be at the lowest body fat percentage before my surgery.
I feel that I will see far better results if I'm as toned as possible.
I now only have 89 days before surgery, and I hope to shed a portion of
this gut within that time.
I will be seeing my new doctor for the first time next week. I'll
have some blood work done to see if my thyroid is functioning properly.
I know the weight that I gained in the past couple years was quite likely
due to my thyroid, and I suppose if I don't take any drastic measures to
lose weight, it will take me just as long to take it off. I actually hope
to hear from my doctor that I'll need to boost my dose of thyroid medication.
That would help increase my metabolism, but in the mean time, I'm also doing
a few things to increase it without medication. I make sure to eat breakfast
every morning. I eat 5 or 6 small meals rather than 2 huge meals. I'm also
working out in the morning before I go to work.
It won't be the end of the world if I don't lose the weight, but I
do think my results will look much better if I do. I'm actually rather small,
and I don't think I'll have as much redundant skin as others I've seen that
started out with C or D breasts. I look quite a bit like the example on
Dr. Brownstein's keyhole
results page
- I'm only slightly larger. I'm hopeful that I will see results
much like that patient did in two months
I think I've figured out the secret to my acne problem. It was difficult
to detect since I've used three medications over the past ten months. However,
it seems that my acne flares up about three days before my shot and sometimes
extend to a couple of days after my shot. It might be beneficial for me
to cut my dose in half and take it weekly, rather than biweekly. I'll ask
my doctor, but I'm not sure she'll know if there is any consequence to
doing this since she's never treated a transman before. Maybe we can experiment.
I also notice that my sex drive is related to a specific time in my
shot cycle. My sex drive peaks four or five days after my shot and declines
slowly after. I'm at day five now, and for the past two days all I've thought
about is humping anything that will stand still for it. But I'm relieved
to report that my sex drive is far more manageable these days. Once I
pass day five, I'm usually able to concentrate on other tasks.
Well, that's about it from planet Alteredboy. I hope to have a couple of
pictures posted soon, but I don't have access to a digital camera. As
soon as I find one, I'll post a new photo.
2002-01-29;
I sure know how to pick them....
I had a check up with my new doctor today, and I like her! She's not
an endo, nor has she treated a transguy before, but she's caring and understanding
(and she wears those funky librarian glasses that I have such a soft spot
in my heart for).
I think she saw to it that she examined me alone - no nurse. She took
time to sit down and talk to me before I had to do all that uncomfortable
undressing and such. I could tell she'd done some research before seeing
me cause she informed me that there isn't a lot of information out there.
Yep! That's so true. There are more of us in the world than people know,
but most doctors in the US really don't admit to treating us. Outside the
Netherlands, there isn't much of a database. But, the lack of information
didn't seem to deter her.
She asked several questions, and we chatted just a bit before she gave
me an exam. I told her that I had been awaken one night by cramps. The
cramps reminded me much of those I got when I was starting my period. She
thought it might be a good idea to have a pelvic exam, but told me that
she would only do it if I felt comfortable having that done. That was nice.
She seemed very sensitive. I told her that I wanted her to do a pelvic,
since it's been well over a decade since I've had one. In fact, right now
I'm more comfortable with having that exam done than ever before. Now my
life is male, and the female parts of my body don't bother me quite so much.
I don't know why - I guess it's because the ball is rolliing now and I know
their days are numbered. The exam was awful, but short enough - and she
thought there was nothing out of the ordinary going on. I haven't had those
cramps again, so I'm thinking it was just gas.
The rest of my check up was fine - I have no complaints about my health.
In fact, since starting my thyroid meds and T, I haven't felt better in
years!
She asked me to get dressed, and then we sat back down and chatted
some more. She was unsure of what to put on my paperwork for the insurance.
I told her that I filled out everything as male when I started this job,
and that carried over into my insurance paperwork. Everything here is done
online, and you are forced to enter a gender. Because the "paperwork" might
be seen by someone at work, I put in male. I would much rather have left
it blank, and then hope to explain to someone alone and in private, but
that wasn't an option. So, the doctor and I weren't sure of what we should
put down on the paperwork. I told her to put what would less likely get her
into trouble. I'm resolved to the fact that the medical and insurance field
sees this process more or less as a cosmetic one, rather than a true medical
process, so I'm prepared to pay for it all. In the end, she put female on
my pelvic stuff cause there is no way they will allow it for a male, and
she put male on my blood work, since all the levels should come back in the
male range. I don't know how that will fly, but we'll deal with it when it
comes. She felt comfortable that everything will be paid for since it was
preventative work. We'll see.
After my exam, I went to have some blood drawn. I waited for them to
call my name for about ten minutes or so. When the nurse called out for
me, and I stood up she gave me an odd look. She took me back to the area
where they drew blood and told me that she had to go change something
and would be right back. I guess my pelvic stuff had already been entered
into the system, cause she said the paperwork printed off as female. She
ran off to reprint out the paperwork as male. I shrugged and smiled as she
explained what was wrong. I felt no need to explain it to her.
So all and all, it was a good experience. I like my doctor a lot. I
sure know how to pick them. My transition has been blessed with great, professional
doctors. I hope the insurance stuff works out, but I'm used to hoping for
the best and expecting the worst when it comes to others paying for my
transition.
I'll see her again in March when I have some lab stuff done prior to
surgery. I can't wait - I love those funky librarian glasses!
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