2001-07-02 13:12:00; Monday.....
B: Oh hi (female name)! Wow, I thought you were a guy behind me.

Me: I am a guy.

B: Well, what I mean is that when I think of seeing you, I think of the person you used to be.

Me: I am the same person I used to be.

2001-07-03 10:33:00; The nameless child...
My mom came for a visit this weekend. It's the first time I've seen her since Mother's Day, and she didn't seem to notice any of the effects of T then. I wondered if she would be like my friends, and say that I look no different now.

If she noticed any differences, she didn't mention them right away. But something happened later on that pushed the issue into conversation.

Soon after she arrived, we went shopping. She always likes to check out a uniform shop we have here. I always dread looking through all the lab coats and scrubs, so I decided to help my mom find the size and color she needed.

I was going through the racks when I noticed the clerk looking at me strangely. She walked up and began to flirtatiously tease me for looking through the women's uniforms. I told her that the more I help my mom find what she needs the faster we can get out of here. Then I heard my mom say, "Yeah, SHE just hates when I shop here". It was like my mom said "SHE" to put me in my place - either to stop me from flirting or to punish me for transitioning. I was a little upset that she did it, and I went off to sit in another part of the store.

From my seat, I could hear my mom talking to the clerk - talking about me. I could hear the clerk using male pronouns and my mom using female pronouns. It was a strange battle of the gendered pronouns. And you know what? No matter how many times my mom used HER or SHE, the clerk never heard her. The clerk only saw me as male.

Later, I asked my mom why she used female pronouns. I felt she didn't have to talk to the clerk about me. I really wanted to know if she did it maliciously. She said is wasn't done to hurt me, and she said it's very hard to switch pronouns. She then added that it's too hard for her to pronounce my name. She did, however, say that she thought she might be able to call me by my male name at some point.

For the rest of the weekend, I was seen strictly as male in all the places we went. It was the first time my mom was exposed to it, and I think it helped her to see me as others see me. She even said that twice during the weekend she saw me from the corner of her eye and thought I was some strange guy following her.

I have very mixed feelings about her visit. She's upset about things, but cannot talk to me about them. She never called me by my male name or by my female name for that matter. I'm her nameless kid right now, but I don't feel invisible to her. I think for the first time she saw me as a man this weekend.

2001-07-06 23:23:00; Too much porn is bad for you anyway....
I'm sitting here in the computer lab. I came here hoping to catch up on my porn, but two people came in and sat down right next to me. I can't even close the porn windows - if I do a hundred of those stupid pop wwiiindows will be all over the screen. So, since I can't get my porn fix, I guess I'll update my journal.

Prior to starting T, I took a few measurements of my body. It's now been three months since I started injecting T every two weeks. I decided to check and see if any measurements have drastically changed.

My hips are slightly narrower, I can't grab much fat on my hips or my inner thighs. My stomach, though it measured nearly the same as three months ago, looks much different. I still have quite a gut.

The big areas of change were in my head, neck and forearm measurements. I've gained 1.5 inches in the circumference of my head, an inch in my neck, and 2 inches in my forearm. No other areas lost or gained more than a half an inch in circumference.

Though there weren't as many changes as I had expected, I have to admit I'm delighted with the ones there were. They were the parts that I felt most feminized my over-all appearance. My mom still says I have a small head, but I can tell that the added meat to my head has given me a more angular appearance.

I've always had decent shoulders, but I felt my neck was far too delicate. I never wore a tie because I felt it only accentuated my thin neck. I now wear a size 16 neck, and I feel I look ok in a tie.

The gain in my forearms has made me extremely happy. I have large hands, but had very thin wrists and forearms. My wrists aren't much bigger, but I guess that would be normal, since there isn't a ton of muscle in that area anyway. However, the muscle in my forearms really blossomed. My forearms are nearly as large as my biceps now. I'm thrilled.

2001-07-15 00:08:00; Remembering the good and the bad at the same time.....
I found myself thinking a lot about my ex lately. Missing some of that intimacy that we had, and fantasizing about some of the sexual parts of our relationship. I even wondered if perhaps I made a mistake by leaving the relationship. That was until I just watched this couple on tv discussing their marital problems. Wow, their relationship was just like the relationship I had with my ex. Watching the program actually made me feel ill - made me feel like I was back in that very painful spot when I felt I had no say in what was going on between us.

I still think about her from time to time. I enjoy so many memories, but thankful for the peace I have now. I think that's ok. I think it's ok to remember the good things and the bad things at the same time.

2001-07-25 13:14:00; Goodbye Marc....
I found out I lost a friend today. He hadn't been seen since last Thursday. When Monday came, I just hoped he found a girl and was having fun. When I hadn't heard news of him yesterday, I knew he was dead - just a gut feeling. I worried he had met up with the wrong person at the wrong time. It never entered my mind that he would take his own life.

I can hardly remember the last time we saw each other. It was a brief passing in the hall, nothing more. I wish I had paid more attention - More attention to the details in his face - his expression.

Why didn't he talk to someone?

I would have listened....

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