2001-06-01 14:45:00; This is planet Alteredboy calling in....
I thought I'd sit down and do my semi-bi-weekly record of the new things developing with my body. I'll start with my complaints:

I think so far the only down side to transition has been the constant, never ending thought of sex. It just can't be healthy thinking of sex this much. Masturbation has been a decent vent for the constant barrage of sexual thoughts, but now I'm too sore to even do that. I find it's hard for me to concentrate on other things.

Ok, now that the bitching is out of the way, here are the cool things I have to report:

Hair seems to be multiplying geometrically. I now see very short and thin black hairs growing where I never had hair before. (Still no hair on the back though, YAY!). I find them all over my upper leg, arms and stomach. This may be a direct result of the increase in T I started 3 weeks ago. I'm now on 150 mg/2weeks.

The hair on my face is still rather thin, but it seems to becoming more rigid. I notice that even after shaving in the morning, I'm more stubbly by evening. The hair is very blonde and barely detectable by the naked eye, but there is a true change in it over the past month. This week I'm not shaving my chin, just so I can get a little idea what's there. So far, after 5 days, there is just glittery fine blonde stubble, but lots more than I thought would be there.

I've also noticed that my hair is starting to thin in the temporal areas. I've been longing for this to happen. Though I don't think many people realize/notice it, I think this one of the most distinctive male features. I think once the male hairline takes shape, other facial features automatically look more masculine.

I've also noticed that my head has grown. I tried to put on a baseball cap that I haven't worn in a few months, and sure enough I couldn't get it on. I took measurements of my body prior to T and I'll use them during my transition for comparison. I re-measured the circumference of my head, and it's grow an inch.

My voice has lowered even more. I change my message on my answering machine nearly every week now. Actually my throat is rather sore presently. I can feel it rumbling in a place that seems to be irritating me quite a bit. I love walking around the house doing my radio announcer voice. I find my new voice is the T induced thing (above the waist) that is the most fun to play with.

My mood swings haven't felt quite as bad this month. This may be due to the increased dose of my T, or perhaps I'm just coping better. I'm not sure. I do, however, seem to get low a few days prior to my next shot. I also notice that a few days after my shot, I'm sky high. I find that I feel far more confident - cockier. I almost feel that I walk with my crotch leading the way. It's an odd, but fun feeling.

Well, that's about all I have to report for now.
This is planet Alteredboy signing off.

2001-06-05 01:42:00
God, I wish someone could explain women to me. Why is everything such a fucking riddle with them?

2001-06-05 16:08:00; Women! can't live with them and can never understand them...
In an effort to better understand women and their actions, I took a page out of their handbook - I went shopping today. Wow, I feel so mucch better! New shoes and new shirts.

I tried on all my new things, plus a tie I bought a couple of weeks ago, and I think I look fairly decent. Too bad the girl that sent me on this shopping trip can't see me now. I want her to eat her heart out!

2001-06-09 21:07:00; Me a misogynist?
I'm starting to wonder if I have a misogynistic side to me. Recently, I've come to dislike a couple of women in my life. I've come to resent their tactics, and how they've treated the relationship that we had. I certainly don't hate women as a group, but I also find that the thought of having a relationship with one extremely disagreeable at the moment. This is a difficult feeling for me. I have always felt intimately connected to women. Though I've always felt male inside, much of my life was lived in their world. It's odd to now feel an estrangement from them.

I've spent much of my time lately trying to understand these feelings and trying to put them into perspective. I feel that I have lost some of my ability to think clearly since I've been on T. The best thing in the world for me right now would to be celibate I think, but my sex drive propels me to pursue relationships. However, I wonder if I'm truly "mature" enough to take the consequences and rewards of a relationship. It's so difficult to understand, and I find myself wondering how the preT me would handle things. Why are my feelings toward women so much more intense now, and why are they so much more difficult to understand?

2001-06-13 03:12:00
I feel an unrest inside of me. I feel the need to expel it - maybe through fucking, or crying, or screaming, or bleeding. But instead I just sleep and dream about it.

Why can't I get out of this funk I'm in?

2001-06-18 10:15:00; Planet Alteredboy calling in.....
I see I'm a little late on my bi-weekly Planet Alteredboy report. But since there haven't been more dramatic changes, I think I'll just report monthly from here on out.

My mood swings are a continuing problem. I still haven't got a handle on them, and I'll have a talk with my endo next month about what adjustments we can make. Maybe taking a weekly dose will help.

My never ending thoughts of sex are still present as well. I now have a new compassion for 13 year old boys. How does anyone ever get used to this?

The hair continues to migrate into new areas. Prior to last week I had no stomach hair above my navel, but now I see new sprouts all over my stomach. No chest hairs though. The arms and legs are filling in nicely, and still no back hair!

My hairline is receding a bit. I have some new pictures on my website that show this. http://www.oocities.org/leapingleaper/pic.html

I've lost a few pounds. My hips are slimming up nicely, but my gut is still there. I've started to run a few times a week, and I think that's helping out a bit.

My voice continues to lower. I am never taken as female on the phone anymore. That's a relief. My throat gets sore every now and then...maybe it's because my voice is dropping.

Acne is no worse than before. I still get a zit or two every now and then, but I used to get that before T anyway.

The best news thus far is that my period stopped this month. What a relief! I thought I may have to deal with it longer. I got a few cramps and a small smear of blood on friday, but then nothing else. I'm thankful - I hear some guys have to deal with it for much longer.

I find that I'm getting a little eager about top surgery. I talked to some fellas this weekend, and I found out about some surgeons closer to home. I hope to meet with them during the Southern Comfort Conference in September. In the meantime I just ordered a new binder through underworks .I got the model 990 compression vest. I will let you all know how it works out. Previously I bought the body shirt through them. I was disappointed in its effectiveness. It wasn't tight enough in the upper torso, and too tight in the stomach area. I altered it by folding the shirt twice. It binds very nicely now, but is hard to get into and out of. I'll keep you posted on the new binder.

That's all for now,
Captain Alteredboy signing off.

2001-06-19 14:03:00; It's raining men.....
Last Friday I had a great opportunity. I met with a group of guys from an Atlanta based FTM group I belonged to. Though I write to several guys each week, I've never had a chance to meet a fellow FTM before. To say the least I was a little nervous. I didn't know what to expect.

When I showed up, the few guys that were already there went out of their way to make me feel at home. I easily fell into conversation with them. My head swelled with hundreds of FTM related questions, but I wasn't sure if asking them would be proper etiquette. I decided not to ask them, or discuss transition until someone else brought the topic up. Instead I kept my conversational topics to ordinary, everyday things. They all seemed like regular guys, and they were extremely easy to talk to.

After about an hour, over a dozen people had arrived. Too many people to keep up with all the conversation - which disappointed me. I wanted to hear everything in every conversation. At last I found a place I felt comfortable in. I fit.

I was amazed at the diversity. Every age, every sexual orientation, every social/economic background, every race, every stage of transition was represented. I met people I really, really liked, and even people I didn't much care for. The latter part being the most comforting. It means a lot to me that I didn't care for some. It's good to feel that I don't have to like every part of a social gathering just because we were all connected by our FTM status.

Yes, we talked an awful lot about transition, but we also talked a lot about everyday things. I didn't feel judged or out of place. I felt like I had something to offer, and I felt I learned from those I listened to. It was the right experience for me presently.

2001-06-21 13:40:00; Thursday.....
I deserve more...I read too much between the lines...I hate her...I want to be held...They don't get it...I'm tried of masturbation...I feel strong...I wish I could cook...I feel lost...Fuck her...I feel darker...I keep forgetting things...I want someone to give me flowers for once...I love my voice...I'm hungry for more...I'm a man...I fantasize about fucking her...I wish I could be the wrong person at the right time for once...I want connection...I'm afraid...I want to fuck...I love porno music...I wish I could cry...I want her...I need a shot...I ache for lust...Where do I go from here...I waste time...

2001-06-26 12:28:00; We should go into business for ourselves...
I finally got my new binder from the underworks company. It was the model 990 and it cost me $30. To say the least I'm disappointed in it's effectiveness to bind. The material it's made of is too thin, and even with the smallest size, it's too loose to bind well. Like the body shirt I purchased from them a couple of months ago, it needs another layer or two of the spandex material.

The other thing I disliked about it is that it shows if you wear a t shirt. The neck of the vest fits snugly, and shows easily when shirts with wider neck openings are worn. It would look fine under a button down buttoned nearly all the way up.

However, I like the overall design. It goes on like a vest and there are adjustable clasps in the front to tighten it. I intend to resize it - making it a bit smaller in the torso and enlarging the collar. I also plan to sew in a couple more layers of material.

I can't help but think that FTMs should design and market our own stuff. I hear MTFs do.......

2001-06-28 12:07:00; It's no myth......
Is the size of a man's penis directly related to the size of his foot? Well, I certainly can't say my "dick" is the size of my foot, but my feet are growing and so is mr. happiness.

My favorite pair of shoes are soon headed to the Goodwill heap. I've grown a whole shoe size and nearly 2 widths. Prior to T, was wearing an 8 narrow. Now I'm up to a 9 wide. It's hard to believe.

Now for the happenings below my belt (divert your eyes if you're a sensitive sort). I'm not going to tell you how big I am now - though I've actually taken a ruler to it. I will, however, tell you how I feel about what I see.

I think from very early on, I decided that I'd have to come to terms with not having a dick. Phalloplasty didn't strike me as a real option. So, I often wondered how it would feel to see female genitalia on myself later in my transition. Well, I can tell you that nearly every characteristic of my genitalia has changed on T. I no longer look like I did only three months ago. My genitalia no longer strikes me as female appearing.

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