Journal-June 2002

2002-06-05; Women! can't live with them and can never understand them (A flashabck entry) … .

A year ago, I wrote abut my problems with women. Well, nothing is much clearer now than it was then. I’ve dated very sporadically and I’ve only been intimate with one woman since I begun my transition. I still don’t feel I want to give myself to a relationship, and therefore, I find I put in very little effort in seeking a partner - or even a date for that matter. There are times I am lonely, but not enough so that I want to go through the struggle of pounding out a solid relationship. Casual sex never really interested me much, but even that hasn’t been offered.

Sometimes I feel working out the structure of relationship seems like much more work than it’s worth. Women are so complicated, and I find that frustrating at this point in my life.

2002-06-07; Can you freeze the balls off of your Mr. Softie?????

I got some great news today. This winter I’ll be buried under feet of snow. Now, I wouldn’t normally think that was great news, but it is since it means it is because I got a "real job" making real money! I’ll have to move around the first of August. I dread packing everything up and moving again, but I can’t wait to quit this mind numbing job! I have a lot on my plate for the next several months. I need to hurry up and finish things here, so that someone can easily pick up where I leave off. I also need to do some preparation for my new job. It’s going to be quite demanding for the first few months.

Oh I nearly forgot. The place I’ll be working for is one of only two places I applied to that had a trans-protection statement in their employment policy. I didn’t tell them I’m trans when I interviewed, but now I don’t have to worry if they find out.

2002-06-14; Something went wrong....

I’m having a hormonal problem of some kind. I’ve had cramps like I was about to start menstruating. This happen once before. I saw my doctor about it, but she couldn't find anything wrong. This time the cramps lasted about four days. Also during this time, I had a severe acne break out. I haven’t had a break out like this in a long long time. I now have about 13 zits on my face. It all has me a bit concerned. If it happens again, I’ll likely see my doctor again.

2002-06-23; Looking up transition in the dictionary.....

It’s really been hard for me to update my journal lately. There are tons of things going on in my life, but most don’t have to do with my transition.

When I first started to transition, I would find myself growing attached to other transmen that were several steps ahead of me. I would love to hear about all the things they were going through, but it would always lead to disappointment. Just when I thought things in their lives were getting cool (hormones or surgery), they would stop sharing their experiences. I remember getting a little resentful toward them. I was annoyed when they would say that transition wasn’t a big part in their lives anymore. The process was just a ‘transition’ - a step from one place to another. I would roll my eyes every time I heard or read that. Well, I’ve come to the realization lately that I am edging toward that place myself. So little of my life revolves around transition. I don’t even think about it very often any more. It’s not that I don’t think it was a significant part of my life or anything like that. The process of transition used to possess nearly everyone of my thoughts. It is/was the most important step I took in my life, but the process is aptly named. No one was meant to dwell in the process forever.

Now this isn’t to say that I no longer have problems, fears or questions related to my transition. I still have some body image issues, and I certainly have a lot of work to do with relationships, but my day to day life is no longer about transition.

I am committed to keeping this journal going until next February - which will be the second anniversary of this website. I definitely think there are many more things to write about - things unforeseen and otherwise. However, I feel the number of updates will likely decrease as the months go by.

2002-06-30; It's only been 15 months....seems longer than that.....

It has now been 15 months since I began hormone therapy. I quit writing monthly reports about the effects I’ve seen since being on testosterone because they no longer seemed significant on that time scale. It has now been three months since my last report, and there are definitely new things to describe - namely hair and muscles.

At this very moment I’m wearing a bit of chin hair. It still looks like one of those god awful tranny boy beards, but I decided to give it a few days before I shaved it. I usually stay pretty clean shaven.  All and all, I would rate my facial hair for a 35 year old man as pathetic, but I am finally starting to see some sideburn hair. Most of the hair on the sides of my face is growing on the left side. My body and facial hair grows first on that side for some reason. It usually evens out over time though.

I have a line of hair from my navel to the middle of my chest, and hair that covers my pectoral region. I’ve had this hair for quite sometime, but what is significant about it now is that it is beginning to darken up. It’s quite impressive seeing that my father had absolutely no hair on his chest. My surgery got rid of the coarse  hairs I had around my nipples (I never cared for them since they would grow to incredible lengths if I didn’t trim them). However, I now have three of those hairs on my left shoulder now - yuck.

Muscle development is taking off. I’ve been working out quite a bit since top surgery, and in the past couple of days I can really tell it’s paying off. I still have a bit of a gut, but I’ve lost ten pounds since January. I’m not sure if all of this is due to my workout routine, or the effects of the hormones. Maybe it’s a combination of the two. I feel great and sexy. I can almost get back into the pants I wore before my thyroid stopped working.

Since I’ll be starting a new job in a couple of months, I treated myself to a couple hundred dollars of new clothes. The weight loss wasn’t enough that I could buy a smaller size pant or shirt, but the clothes certainly look better on me. It has done a ton to boost my self-esteem.

As far as other hormone related things go, there isn’t much new to report. I’m still rather horny, and porno is beginning to bore me (God, did I actually write that????). My libido is strong, but it doesn’t seem to distract me as much anymore. I masturbate to relief the stress that my libido puts on me, and that takes the edge off. It’s effective enough to allow me to thing of others things during the day. That’s a big step from a year ago.

Acne is a problem every now and then. I wrote about some sort of glitch I had earlier this month that really broke my face out, but I’m back to normal now. I have one or two zits during my shot cycle, and that is as good as my pre-T acne pattern. I occasionally get a zit on my chest or my back. I had a big one on my back last week, and now I have a small one on my lower chest. No real problems though - I can deal with a few now and then.

I reckon that’s all I have to report about for this hormone update.

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