2001-10-01 11:12:00; Off to make a living in Yankee land....

Well, I've just accepted a job in the Midwest. I'm looking forward to moving on to a new place. A place where they only know me as my male self, and place where the women are possibly nicer :)

It's a position where I'llo I'll just be doing research. I really would rather be other things, but I think I can do research for a while longer. This position will also give me the ability to move further along in my transition. It's a temporary position, so if things get complicated at this position, it isn't like I'll be loosing a career opportunity.

I haven't met the guy I'll be working for in person yet. We've spoken a few times on the phone, and he sounds like a good guy. I haven't told him about my trans status, and I'm currently unsure if I will. If this was a career job, I would consider it almost necessary, but for this position (that won't last for more than 2 years) I don't really feel I have to. I will meet him in person in a couple of weeks - I'll decide then what to say and how much to say.

In celebration, I went out and bought a few new clothes. I'm low on cash, but I heard from my mom this week that she's not sure me coming home xmas is a good thing. She didn't say I couldn't, but kept stressing how awkward it would make everyone feel. I figure if I'm not welcome home, I ain't buying gifts. So I spent the money saved for xmas gifts on myself. Fuck them if they don't want to see me over the holidays.

2001-10-15 22:23:00; What box to check....

I've had little time to update recently. I start my new job on November 1st, and I've yet to find a place to stay. I'm having a hard time finding a place that accepts dogs. I'm sure I'll find something once I actually go up for a visit in a couple of days.

The other day, I did talk to a lawyer from the area that I will moving to. Since I am still legally female, I wanted to know what I'm obligated to tell my new employer. Well, as you know all know, there are few laws protecting us. This is a bad thing I suppose, but it also gives us some freedom too. Hey, if they really want to get rid of you, they will fire you know matter what you put down on your employment paperwork. I feel that since there is little protection for me, I will simply put male on my paperwork, and ride whatever wave that brings me. Tuck and roll baby, tuck and roll.

This lawyer calmed my nerves. She attended the same university I'm going to work for, and as a transwoman, she explained to me that she found the campus very trans-friendly. She also told me that I simply need a letter from my shrink to change the gender on my Drivers License. I called the Sec' o State's office of that state to verify this. I was told by the one office that I cannot change my gender with only a letter from my shrink. She informed me that I would have to have completed all my surgery. However, I was suspicious about this whether she was telling me the true. She was extremely rude, and when I asked to speak to someone else, she gave me a phone number that went nowhere.

Frustrated, I called the Sec of State office in a different city. I got much better results there. I was informed that I can change gender on my DL with a letter from my shrink, however, I may first have to obtain a new license with Female as my gender, and then go back and change it to male, since my current license says I'm female. More hoops to jump through, but at least the guy I talked to was nice. He told me that if I had any trouble that I could call him back.

2001-10-16 18:59:00; Thanks Doc, but my head didn't shrink....

I had my last appointment with my shrink today. I can't say enough about my time with her. I'm thankful I found someone who cared so much.

Lately, many people have told me that they support me. They say that they support my decision - they say that they don't understand iit, but they support my decision. My shrink is one of the very few that just supported me. She never qualified her support by her level of understanding of my actions.

Thanks Doc.

P.S. I also think I'm her only patient that went through nearly a year of head shrinking sessions, and came out with a head 2 inches greater in diameter. -Weird, but true.

2001-10-24 20:25:00; A slippery rug under my feet......

Some days I feel normal. I mean to say that I feel like I meet the standard of what people consider normal - an average guy. Sometimes I like that feeling - Sometimes I need to feel that way. But should I?

I recently visited with my new boss. Nice guy, and it sounds like his work is good and needed in the field I'm in. He introduced me to all the people working with him. I was my male self, and only my male self. It was a good feeling. It seemed like I would fit in well there. Just as well as any average guy, I suppose.

Later that day, I looked for apartments. It seemed like I wouldn't have much problem renting from whomever I wanted to. Just as well as any average guy, I suppose.

I was feeling high being normal - being an average guy. Then I met the woman that will process my employment paperwork. I have a feeling that through that process she'd discover my status. Then I had to do a credit check with the leasing company for my apartment. Would my status be reveled to them as well????

All of a sudden, I didn't feel like a normal, average, run-of-the-mill guy. It felt like a rug being yanked out beneath me.

I remember when I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago. She had always seemed to support me in my transition, but in her angry parting words, she called me by my female name rather than my male name as she said goodbye to me.

The rug beneath my feet will never be nailed down. I'm not sure if I exactly want it to be, but it seems that it is yanked from me when I least expect it - when I least need it to be.

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