Journal-September 2002

2002-09-04; The new tall guy.....

I recently started a new job, and I absolutely love it. It keeps me as busy as hell, but I really feel like this is what I’m meant to do.

Interestingly, all of my peers on this new job are male. I’ve had no problem fitting in at all. They are a great group of guys, and all have come to me and told me that they want me to succeed. The last place I worked was mostly male, and they were terribly unfriendly (on a peer level). There also seemed to be this great selfish desire to not let others succeed at the old place. I’m so glad to be here.

Sometimes, when I’m placed in an all male group, I am constantly trying to compare myself to the rest. I can be overly concerned about how well I’m fitting in - Always asking myself if I look and act like them. I become especially sensitive if I’m shorter than the rest of the guys. However, this isn’t the case at this new job (maybe because I’m one of the tallest guy there).  I just haven’t felt any stress over fitting in.

2002-09-09; Low cost + High volume = Less attention.....

I’m a  upset with Dr. Menard at the moment. A couple of months ago I wrote to him about the right side of my chest. I am still very numb on that side, and stiff. Since that side does not look quite right, I was concerned that there was some damage. I sent him these photos .

His office wrote back right away to say he was on vacation for a month. I was fine with that - I didn’t feel it was an emergeenncy.

Well, nearly two months later, I get an email from Dr. Brassard rather than Dr. Menard. All he said was that he could fix the symmetry in a few months, and that the numbness would go away with time.

I’m upset because, while I think Dr. Brassard is a great surgeon, he is not my surgeon. Also, I am not convinced that there was not some sort of damage done to the right side of my chest. It was the only side that had any pain. It is the only side that has any numbness left. It is the only side that is stiff. And it is the only side that looks abnormal.

I will certainly go back to Montreal to have it fixed, and I really don’t care if Dr. Brassard does it, but I’m upset that Dr. Menard didn’t take interest in my problem.

I would still recommend Montreal. I think the work is good. I expected these kind of problems with keyhole surgery, and I have no doubt that after a revision, my chest will look perfect (especially after the areolas are reduced). The after care by the staff is fantastic, and I think for the price, Montreal is a steal. However, I expected more from the surgeons when it came to patient relations. Their practice is a bit assembly line like. I suppose if you charge less you have to do more volume, however, I would have expected my own surgeon to write me back when I have questions about his work.

2002-09-14; Sometimes it just sneaks up on you.....

Last night, I’m sitting at the computer and I glance over my shoulder to where I’m scratching the back of my arm. I’m totally shocked, thrilled, and disturbed by the amount of hair on the back of my arm. I had no clue there was any there. I have three long black hairs that grow out of each shoulder, but I didn’t know about the pasture of hair growing on the back of my upper arm.

When it comes to my body hair, I really have the best of many worlds. I definitely have plenty of male body hair.  There is absolutely no way its pattern can be confused with that of a woman’s. However, the type of body hair I have keeps me from appearing animal-like. From head to toe, my hair is rather light in color. I certainly have some darker hairs in places, but none of it is black. My hair is also very soft (I could never spike my hair on my head even with products).  So when you look at my body from a distance I appear to have about half the hair I actually have. Luckily the hair on the back of my arms, aren’t the hairs that show up well. Same can be said for the large patch of hair growing on my lower back.

I am, however, really starting to dig the fact that my chest hair is darkening up. Both pecs are covered in hair, but now half of that hair is brown instead of blonde. Now I have only about an inch of bare skin between my stomach hair and my chest hair. It all still resembles a 17 year old boys chest, but it’s coming along nicely. The hair on my legs is rather thick. My inner thighs (to my knees) is covered with the same type of hairs as in my pubic region, however, it’s not quite as thick.

I still have this odd phenomenon going on between my left and right side hair growth. You can visible tell I have much more hair on my left side than my right. It’s crazy and weird. The hair on my inner thighs extends at least two inches further down my leg on the left side than the right. On my chest, I would say there is 50% more hair on the left pec than the right. And on my face, there is easily twice as much hair on the left side than the right. It doesn’t really bother me, since no one sees the body hair really, and the facial hair is irrelevant since I’m a clean shaven type of guy.

Another odd thing is that I have absolutely no beard growth in my sideburn region. From my hairline to 1/2" down, I cannot grow facial hair. Below that I have really nice growth (though like the rest of my hair, it is light and soft). Sideburns were the only type of facial hair I wanted, and it seems that will not happen anytime soon. I don’t feel like a misfit though. I’ve actually seen quite a few men with the same problem. It must be a genetic thing.

I’m not exactly sure where I’m getting my genes for hair growth. Color and texture is just like my dad’s, however, my dad could grow great sideburns and had absolutely no chest hair. I just throw up my hands about it. There isn’t a thing I can do to change it. I’m just thankful I have some body hair, and grateful I don’t resemble a caveman.

2002-09-20; I haven't been living up to my part....

I've been reading some posts from a few people (some I've called friends in the past), and it seems I haven't been living up to my end as a FTM.

My failures so far:

1. I haven't been out actively recruiting butches to join the FTM ranks. I'm not sure when I'll have time to do this with my schedule, but I'll start working on it Monday morning.

2. I also haven't started to date men yet. I haven't a clue where to start on this one. I don't go out much these days, and all the guys at work are married. Maybe I'll hit a few bars this weekend.

I certainly want to live up to my end of being a FTM.

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It’s really been an eye opener to read these various posts. It’s kind of scary as well - some of the close minded people have actually stayed in my home.

I always felt some bit of security in the butch-femme community (online). I certainly felt I had more in common with them than straight folks, but I don’t think either side really gets it.

My butch-femme friends ask me questions like, “So, are you interested in guys now?” or “Why can’t you just feel secure with who you are?” or “why do you have to give in to that binary system of gender?”.

My straight friends ask me questions like, “Can you actually get a working dick?” or “Can you get a woman pregnant now?” or “Do your breasts just go away when you’re on testosterone?”.

The questions from both sides bother me, but I think the questions (and comments) my butch-femme “friends” ask (say) are the ones that hurt a little more. Their questions are just like some of the questions any butch or femme person hears from the straight and lesbian community - like, for example, “If you act masculine and date femmes, do you really want to be a guy?” or “If you’re a femme woman, and you date butch women, do you think that is just because you just haven’t met the right guy?”.

I have never pressured a butch friend to transitioning. I have shared my experiences and feelings openly with them, but I thought that is what friends do. I have never looked down on a butch friend for not transitioning, nor have I ever thought they weren’t doing it because they didn’t have the “balls” to do it. I lived unhappily for many years in my life because I was forced into a role I felt was not me. Why would I turn around and do that to someone else?

Also, I have yet to be interested in dating men. However, because some FTMs do, I’m simply expected to do the same. Every time I hear the question about dating guys from my butch-femme friends, I feel like they must all be betting in some office pool or something. Maybe they’re whispering among themselves that I am not gay yet cause I haven't met the right guy yet.

I think my transition, and the transition of other FTMs, threatens many people. I certainly know it threatened a lot of my straight friends. All of a sudden there wasn’t this nice and tidy binary gender system like there was before they heard the news about me. For some reason, I expected that type of reaction from my straight friends. However, I don’t really know what threatens some in the butch-femme community. In any regard, I don’t lose much sleep over the mean-spirited comments. I hate hearing these things from people that once seemed to be supportive friends, but I can’t go through my life trying to win folks over. I doubt I’ll welcome them to sleep under my roof again, but I don’t wish them any ill will. I’ll get over the surprise sometime soon, and I’ll move on. Live and let live.

2002-09-30; The Differences - Part I....

For some time I’ve wanted to sit down and write about some of the differences I’ve encountered now that I live my life as a man. At first I intended to call this post “The differences between men and women”, but I found I had some trouble with that. I feel many of these differences are due to how the world views my gender, and several are simply due to the fact I have testosterone in my body, but not all of them can be explained so easily.

I certainly lived in a woman’s world prior to my transition, and I definitely live in a man’s world now, but I’m not really sure I can split these observations into those two categories so easily.  See, prior to my transition, I felt as though I was a male trapped in a female body, so my experiences were “tainted” by viewing a woman’s physical being in the mirror -  and by viewing the interactions of others who only saw that woman’s physical being. My cognized environment was probably very different than that of a woman with no gender issues.

Another reason I cannot clearly place these differences into a male and female category is because I simply don’t know if I’ve had these different experiences because my outlook and mental state has changed. I feel so differently about myself now. My self-esteem, and overall outlook has changed because I feel so right now - more centered now. Perhaps the differences I’m seeing is just because I put myself out more. I am happier and so much more assured of myself now.

So with that said, I will refrain from putting these differences into nice and tidy “male” and “female” pockets.

ASSERTATIVENESS
Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that I worry very little about what other people think about me. Prior to my transition, I felt I really had to be liked by most people I met. I would try very hard to make them see I had something worth liking. On my job, I felt I had to be the absolute best at what I did. In social settings, I felt I needed to make a good impression. It was a tremendous amount of pressure to live up to. If I failed at these tasks, I would feel terrible, and I think I even lost some sense of self-worth. I remember my shrink telling me during some of my testing  that I had trouble asserting myself. This was indeed the case. I felt that if I asserted myself, I would not be liked. It was better to take whatever garbage I was getting in order to be liked.

Now I don’t feel any pressure to do that anymore. I’m definitely more assertive now. I will chalk that up to the testosterone. I really feel the hormone makes me less likely to back down from a sticky situation. I’ve yet to fly into a rage, but I have become more passionate in my arguments.

My new assertiveness may also be due to that new mental outlook as well. Since I have a new sense of self-worth, I feel my opinions and ideas are just a valid as anyone else’s, and I have the right to propose them to others as an option. I’m still willing to compromise, but only after I’ve said my piece.

However, I do feel at least a small part of my new found assertiveness is due to how I’m perceived by others. Men are expected to offer up ideas, and to fight for them. They are respected and rewarded for doing so. Unfortunately women, for the most part, are not. There truly exists a double standard. I get much more positive feedback now than I did as a woman.

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