Tuesday 30th April

Off to Lismore again. This time I was fairly sure that the appropriate appointments had been made. Well I hoped so anyhow. The appointment was mid afternoon so I read every magazine that I could lay my hands on and tried to fill in time as best I could. Sammie had early lectures so we couldn't synchronize perfectly. Eventually it was my turn.

The doctors were very friendly and explained the whole procedure in great detail. There was one big problem. UMP the medical insurer for 60% of NSW doctors had just gone into receivership and all medical staff were very aware of the fact that they could be sued if something went amiss. They went to their rule books to check the 'legal' draining procedure. Everything was going to have to be done according to the books. I was horrified when I listened. The whole procedure would take forever. They would drain a litre, give me a rest for a while and then take out another litre. There was probably eight litres inside me! It then transpired that they weren't even prepared to risk taking all the fluid out. They would put in a drain, leave it in overnight, and I could have the reminder taken out in Byron the next day.

Sammie had to leave her last lecture to collect me. I was certainly causing major disruptions in her life. I will have to be careful that I don't make a habit of this. Driving home was not pleasant because the tubing was very obviously present. I had to put the seat right back and try to lie down. I sympathise with the doctors and I can see that there will probably be a crisis in Australian health services in the future. It is all most unfortunate. However I will definitely not go home with the tubing inside me on the next occasion. It is just not on.

Monday 29th April

In the morning I drove with Sam to Lismore, the regional centre, about half an hours's drive away. The road is very picturesque as it winds through lush, green hilly farmlands. I was dropped off at the hospital and Sammie continued onto the university.

As it happened I soon discovered that all the appointments that I thought had been organised had not been organised at all. By ten o'clock I was out the door, still with a full abdomen of fluid, with five hours to kill. I asked in which direction the city centre lay and slowly followed the instructions. I was not feeling very energetic. I was philosophic however, and decided I could have a pleasant day exploring Lismore. Then it started to rain. I had to shelter for some time. It became quite cold and my skin was soon covered in goose bumps. I obviously needed to be better prepared on my trips out!

I eventually found the city centre and walked around a bit. Tiredness inevitably overwhelmed me. I then located the library and wished that they had comfortable chairs where I could hide for a while. A message from Sam saved me. She said she had a spare few minutes to meet me and I asked if she could pick me up so that I could sleep in her car. I just wanted to curl up and close my eyes. She then went one better and organised a bed for me at the naturopathic training clinic where some of her surfing friends study. What bliss. Two hours of sleep.

Sunday 28th April

It rained all through the night. Heavy, solid stuff. I suppose that's why it is so green and lush here. Brisbane was much drier. It is not that I am complaining but it definitely is a lot colder. I had to huddle under my blankets. I suppose that I was lucky that I had blankets to huddle under.

I had planned to go out on my own. There is a market at the nearby little town of Bangalow, every fourth Sunday in the month, and I was sure that there would have to be a bus going in that direction. Unfortunately, the grey skies and strong wind didn't make this a sensible option so I lazed about in the house. I read a lot, watched some television and then listened to my radio.

Boredom set in after lunch and I thought that I might close my eyes for five minutes. Four hours later I woke up! The day had virtually passed me by. Trying to amend things I went for a quick walk in the immediate neighbourhood. It is residential, almost suburban but the gardens are full of palms and exotics. I investigated the local shop. It was very small but would be useful if I had absolutely nothing in my cupboard. I then headed off down to the beach. It was windy and the sun was low. The waves were all over the place and surprisingly a few hardy surfers were trying to ride them. I took deep breaths of fresh sea air and realised what a magnificent spot I was living in. What a magnificent long wild beach.

Sammie surprised me a little later by inviting me out to see a film. The Piggery/ Arthouse offers three films a day in a very alternative environment. The films are not the latest blockbusters and are just 'good' films. We saw the french film 'Amelie'. It was just superb. Afterwards Sam told me that a swimmer had drowned off Broken Head that morning. The third death in a month. Australia can be a very dangerous place.

Saturday 27th April

A magnificent warm, clear morning and I actually slept surprisingly well with only minimal pain. Things seem to be going well. I visited a local doctor who was very helpful and continue to be amazed by the laid back attitude of people in this town. I am starting to get very excited about being here. It is quite a remarkable area.

I will head off shortly and buy the weekend papers and have a nice day day relaxing. Obviously I will have to find some activities to fill in the days that lie ahead but I am sure things will fall into place. Starting off is always busy because there is so much to do. Later there tends to be a lull. I must prepare for that and have some strategies ready. Voluntary work may be the way to go.

Friday 26th April

I spent the night in a bed and breakfast that had been kindly paid for by Sam. She said that it was an early mother's day present. What an angel she is. I enjoyed every minute of the luxury. The spa was superb and the breakfast was very pleasant. I will admit that I had a rough night. I was in some pain and wondered whether I was making a big mistake. I just keep on moving and moving and never get anywhere.

We moved my gear into the first house that we checked. Sam had looked around quite a bit before and she said that it compared quite nicely. It seemed nice enough, a largish room with an ensuite bathroom and I didn't feel like spending days looking around. So now I live with a couple who are in their thirties. They are both professionals who came up from Sydney two years ago. I had been living with down and outers in the West End and now seem to have gone a little more upmarket. A good move. I have a twenty minute walk to the shopping centre and a ten minute walk to the beach, but it seems manageable. There are occasional buses if I can't gather up the energy to walk.

Byron Bay seem very friendly and I was amazed by the reception that I received at the local hospital. The nurse in charge instigated a whole list of things for me and it may well be the case that most of my needs could be addressed here or reasonably close by. It was such a relief. I am feeling better and better by the minute about my latest move. The atmosphere in Byron is very like Bali. The beaches are stunning, there are amazing places to eat and people wander around in shorts and bikinis.

Thursday 25th April

This is to be my last day in West End, for the near future anyway. Sammie is coming up in the late afternoon to whisk me away in her white charger. I feel excited at the prospect of a new move. Perhaps this time I will feel settled and be able to stay a while. I am tired of feeling transient. I'd like a home.

There aren't a lot of goodbyes that will need to be said. I will make a point of farewelling the lovely lady in the Brumby's bread shop in Boundary street. She always gave freely of her time, in between customers of course, and sometimes she was the only person I really spoke to all day. Such a warm person and she works seven days a week. Easter, Anzac Day, you name it she is there in her little shop and smiling too.

Wednesday 24th April

I headed off to New Farm to the Cancer Support Group. As usual it was very good for me. They were very helpful and we even went out for lunch together. I knew I had got myself in a mess, and we are not just talking sleep patterns here, but it was all fixable. I felt so warmed that these busy people were able to spend some extra time with me. I think that things will only improve now.

These groups are so incredibly powerful. It is such a shame that this particular group is getting smaller and smaller. Newer members are not coming and it is such a shame. I have always got so much from each visit. I don't think that family or friends can address one's needs in quite the same way. These people know exactly what you are going through. They have gone through it themselves and survived.

Tuesday 23rd April

Another walk to the hospital! This time I walked up a different street and discovered some lovely old weatherboard houses with turrets and rooftop balconies. One in particular caught my eye because it was all beautifully painted but was very obviously empty. Out the front a sign offered units in a presumably proposed modern apartment block. I compared the artist's impression with what I saw in front of me and realised that the two were nowhere near the same. One was going to have to go and I suspect that it was the lovely old house. It tinged me with sadness. I imagine that this part of West End must have been full of lovely old houses twenty years ago. They have all been replaced with nondescript housing. What price progress.

The chemo took place without a hitch and an occupational therapist came to talk to me about my sleep problems. She was very helpful and came up with some very constructive suggestions. The last week has taken its toll on me and I have got into some really bad habits. I must not take too many naps as I am using sleep to blot out things. It is turning into a form of escapism. I left the hospital with a lightness in my step and actually managed to get through the whole day without one sleep. I just needed a bit of discipline. When Yana was there he kept me company but without him it was not so easy.

Monday 22nd April

I have been booked to have a cat scan at eleven this morning. Quite late really considering that I am not allowed to eat or drink before hand! To pass the time I headed straight off to the internet. Surely a bit of writing would be able to keep me distracted from the hunger pangs and thirst. It worked partially and I look forward to a real big treat afterwards. For the rest, the day is open.

Sunday 21st April

I finished my book on Pissarro. A shame really. I must get to a library and look at some of his work again. I have always loved the Impressionists.

I popped out for a bit of fresh air in the late afternoon and went for a short cut through the lane opposite where I live. It is not a good place to go at night and even during the day it can be a bit adventurous. At the end a young girl in her late teens asked me for fifty cents. What can anyone do with fifty cents? I told her that I was a disability pensioner and we started talking. She then said that she had Hep. C and had lots of problems with her liver. I felt for her but she was then off before I could reconsider. Fifty cents is nothing, but I do find I am not comfortable with people begging in Australia. In Indonesia it was to be expected but here it catches me unawares every time. Poor girl, I get the feeling that she is not going to make much of her life.

On the way back home and through the lane again I met up with a very unstable and presumably intoxicated young man freely and openly urinating. I didn't falter and continued my way, even though I risked getting my feet wet. He then very awkwardly and slowly turned himself around so he was a little less indiscreet. It wasn't even dark yet! You can but laugh.

Saturday 20th April

After a horrendous night with a lot of pain I woke to a beautiful clear morning. I went out to buy the weekend papers and spotted a large number of people tucking into big plates of bacon,eggs and tomatoes. Who said people are concerned about cholesterol?

I spent the rest of the day quietly, reading a lot and watching television. I have got into some funny habits. I nap quite a bit through the day and then stay up half the night. Fortunately there have been some lovely late night movies set in exotic places that have distracted me nicely.

A woman who lives in a room just up from me is friendly but unfortunately seems to be too fond of the bottle. Her conversation over the last three days has been the same every day which does not make contact very fulfilling. She means well, I suppose.

Friday 19th April

I knew that the day was not going to go well when my telephone call to the hospital was answered so curtly. My attempts to reach Yana in Indonesia were not successful either. I decided that I could be brave and that things could only improve. They didn't. I was kept waiting for hours at the hospital. They complained that I hadn't give them a few days notice. They really must tell me the rules of the game before they complain about me not following them. The supervising doctor then said that I was coming too soon for the drainage and should wait a few days longer next time. There was a different doctor in radiology when I got there this time and although this fellow started well he did things quite differently. The procedure was extremely painful as I felt my internal organs being stabbed and ultimately I left with a whole lot of liquid still in my stomach. Now I am in a quandry. I will obviously need to be drained much sooner next time but am terrified to ask for the procedure.

I walked home in tears. To an empty home too I might add. The day did pick up later though when some very kind and supportive friends said that they would sign the form for Yana to come back to Australia. I was overwhelmed and so touched. It would make so much of a difference if he was with me. I would be able to cope with minor problems much more competently. I felt so grateful. I then rang him up Indonesia and succeeded. It was magic to hear Yana's voice again. Things could only get better.

Thursday 18th April

I am reading an interesting book by Irving Stone about the French painter Pissarro. This kept me occupied for quite a while. I have almost made up my mind to move closer to Sam. Perhaps the beach at Byron Bay might be just the thing for me. The doctor had explained that the alternative chemo programme that I would be placed on if this one failed would still be a once a month one. Commuting could thereby be a possibility.

I felt quite distressed while eating lunch today. I was reading a magazine article about some young people who were starving themselves in protest against their government's policies and actions. I was moved. Dying is a frightening prospect yet these youngsters were actually embracing it. Not only that but their dying process was slow and painful. Conviction is amazing.

Wednesday 17th April

Being much more savvy with buses these days I was able to hop on a bus from outside my door and end up in trendy New Farm. Every Wednesday morning a cancer support group meets here and it was nice to catch up with some old friends. I felt much more positive and determined to show some spirit after listening and talking with these people. Very therapeutic. Then again that is precisely why these groups are so beneficial.

After a very pleasant walk throught the Southbank Parklands I ended up at the hospital. My doctor is always very late and the wait was fairly agonising. I didn't know how I would cope with bad news. The results were not marvellously good but neither was it all bad. My tumour count was a little higher than it had been three weeks ago. It could actually have doubled which would have been very upsetting. I could live with this outcome and left the consulting room fairly dry eyed. If I am very lucky then the drugs may be making a late entry. I can only hope. I walked home the long way and was so tired that I then slept the whole evening.

Tuesday 16th April