A lot has been going on in the past 9 months since you left. Maybe the two biggest shocks is that I am no longer in women’s clothing! After 2 years of trying to get out, no one believes me. So I figure if it haven’t happened yet, it ain’t gonna. The second would be that I got promoted. Yes that’s right I’m a Sergent! As you know I was pretty bad – no extremely bad at your job, but I finally got the hang of it – I guess that’s why I was promoted. Remember, you were promoted too - for a little while though.
News about the others:
Colonel Potter and Father Mulcahy are the same, both doing great. Major Winchester is still pompous, but a bit nicer. BJ was feeling really depressed for a while, so I rang his wife and they were able to talk for an hour – he was much better afterwards. Rizzo, Igor and the boys are the same. Your animals are doing great. Your guinea pigs had more jellybeans and the rabbits are doing well. I bet you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Hawkeye or Major Houlihan right? No – they’re both still here. Major Houlihan has really mellowed up. She’s even leaving the army when the war is over. Can you believe it? She’s walkin around in camp – shirt out, hair down and even sometimes in a robe too! Also she’s one helluva practical joker. Give Hawkeye or BJ a run for their money any day. Potter’s birthday is coming up soon and we’re all in on a big joke – I can’t say what yet, I’ll tell you when it’s done though.
Why has she changed? Two reasons. One - because she and Hawkeye have been dating for the past few months or so. They are sooo lovey-dovey that their public displays of affection have been over the top to the point of being sickening, but at least they’re happy. Like a month ago I was talking to Kellye and she was telling me of one of their more lighter PDA’. Major Houlihan was in post-op just finishing writing on a patients chart at the end of a bed, when Captain Pierce comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist and starts kissing her neck (sickening - but sweet). She could tell that the Major was enjoying this as she was smiling and giggling. This has been going on for months. And I think Hawkeye has slept in the Swamp…maybe once! They want to tell you themselves as to the second reason. The two of them pulled a fast one on BJ the other day, but I’ll let him inform you – it’s always more fun to see someone tell about their humiliation themselves.
We’re having a show night next week while Potter’s on R&R. Kinda like a talent show. Father Mulcahy is our music man, Major Winchester is judging. BJ and the lovebirds wanna tell you their bit themselves. Me? – what am I doing? What else could I do – a fashion show! Don’t worry – the nurses are the models, not me.
4 months ago me and Sparky were so bored we had a bet going on about the number of generals that call in a week. I got 50 bucks out of it can you believe it? Unfortunately we had a party & it all went to booze, but it was one helluva party.
About the party, it started on a Saturday. It was 5 in the afternoon and everyone was sitting around bored out of their wits - No wounded for 5 days. We’d played football, golf, basketball, numerous games of poker, craps, blackjack and every other game of cards there is. We had our cockroach races and we also raced your animals – don’t worry, they’re all okay. Captain Pierce won, but we don’t know what he did with the money. After getting the O-K from Colonel Potter, I made the announcement that there was gonna be the biggest, wildest party in the mess tent. You shoulda heard the screams of joy that the whole camp gave. So within 5 minutes – probley less than that, there’s a make shift bar and everyone is standing around drinking and laughing and stuff. Igor brings the jukebox and a few people start dancing. Soon everyone is dancing – except for Major Winchester, Nurse Danielson (who are in Post Op) and Hawkeye and Major Houlihan (who are no-where to be found). Colonel Potter is quite the dancer too. His Charleston could beat Fred Astaires’! Although the party’s lively and everyone’s having fun, it’s still not the same without Hawkeye. So, BJ sends out a party to find him.
Just when they were setting off, Hawkeye comes running in – hand in hand with Major Houlihan. Their reason was (and I quote) is “Um err ah” “We uh didn’t hear the announcement” “That’s right, we were in the middle of a very important discussion over uh” “Patient care” “Yeah that’s right”. In reply BJ calmly said, “In other words you 2 were in her tent doing well…each other?” You shoulda heard the tent – it went deadly quiet. Everyone was afraid of how Major Houlihan was going to react. A smile came over her face, as she replied, “Wouldn’t you like to know?” “Yeah – get your own gal” Hawkeye added, and just for the whole tent, he picks her up and gives her a kiss. It wasn’t just any kiss either. The whole tent was in shock. We all knew they were a couple, but their public display was well…not like them (well – not like the Major). Within a few minutes, everyone is up and dancing. Nobody knew this until that night, but Hawkeye and the Major are great dancers. Most of their moves shouldn’t be done in public might I add, but they were good all the same. The last of the wounded were taken to the Evac by 6, and so Major Winchester and Danielson join the party. All he did (naturally) was stand around drinking and commenting on Hawkeye and Maj. Houlihan’s style of “provocative and vulgar” dancing. They didn’t care who was watching. They were having fun just dancing the way they were.
It was getting around 9pm and the dancing was still going – it had quietened down though. Potter had a call from General Embry so they were chatting away. Major Winchester and 2 nurses were taking care of a troop of Marines who had come in with a rash. Father Mulcahy, BJ and me were chatting with a couple of nurses, Hawkeye and Maj Houlihan were dancing slowly with their arms around one another. They look so happy together.
The song had just finished, when BJ got up in front of everyone. They announced that there was to be a drinking contest right here, right now, and the winners would get 4 days in Tokyo. The whole tent went up in a roar of laughter. First it was the nurses and gin. Danielson vs. Able – Able wins. Baker vs. Gilbert – Baker wins. Kellye and Anderson – Kellye wins and finally Bigelow vs. Maj Houlihan – Maj Houlihan wins…by a mile. The semi finals with scotch – Able and Kellye – Kellye wins. Maj Houlihan and Baker – Maj Houlihan wins. Then the guys have a go at it. – Potter comes back, just in time. It’s the enlisted vs. officers. So the matches were: were: Rizzo and Potter – Rizzo wins Roy and BJ – BJ wins. Me and Mulcahy (who was having a break), – I win. And the big one; Igor and Hawkeye – Hawkeye wins. Then its officers against enlisted. Everyone’s psyching us up – Major Houlihan whispers something to Hawkeye to which he has a big grin on his face and kisses her. Hawkeye vs. Rizzo – Hawkeye wins by a thread. I guess his drinking has come down a lot – thanks to Maj Houlihan. Anyway then it’s me and BJ, wasn’t that a toughie. I almost have him, until he takes another drink and – he wins. Whilst they take time to recover for the final, the nurses have their last battle. Of course there’s a bet going on. Hawkeye, BJ and Potter all back the Major, and everyone else whose left – about 20 of us, back Kellye. Major Winchester and Father Mulcahy hit the sack early. So it’s down to Kellye and Maj Houlihan. After 15 minutes and around 50 drinks, Kellye gives in and a very drunk Major wins. With the aid of Hawkeye, she stumbles to a seat and is given coffee to settle down. After a few minutes, the guys start. It was so funny to see them both psyche each other. Hawkeye was going on about how he can beat BJ at anything, and BJ going on about what he and the Major will do in Tokyo. That I think gives Hawkeye a bigger boost at wanting to win. After half an hour or so and many dirty looks at one-another, BJ nearly falls off his seat – we catch him and Hawkeye is the winner. He and the Major jump up in joy and order the music to start again.
It’s rolling on 1am when people start heading off to bed. Me, BJ, the lovebirds, and a few nurses and enlisted stay. As you know Radar, after a few hours of drinking, the hangover starts and goes on and on and on. The nurses and enlisted knew this and all head to bed at 3am. So it’s the four of us left. BJ bids farewell as Hawkeye and Maj Houlihan begin to feel the effects of winning. They head off to her tent with the warning that if anyone wakes them before 12pm, then that person will be in traction for the remainder of the war. And I finally head off to bed too, not worrying about the clean up or hangover the next day.
The next day is absolute chaos. Potter orders the enlisted men to clean up the mess tent as breakfast is held in the officers club. Not that there were many there for breakfast. It’s around 9am when I wake up – not too bad of a hangover and ready – after 3 cups of coffee – for the day’s work. BJ, Hawkeye and Margaret are still in bed when it comes around 11. BJ stumbles into the mess tent for coffee and slowly sips it. Luckily for Hawkeye and the Major that there’s only the rash infested Marines in O.R. and they’re due to ship out by the end of the day. Mail arrives late – as usual - at 12pm. Still no sign of Hawkeye or the Major either. Around 1pm, they finally emerge, both glowing with happiness and with no sign of the night before. Well - it’s lunchtime and everyone is in the mess tent having what the army would call lunch, when Hawkeye gets up and announces something big to everyone. He’ll have to tell you what though.
Anyways kiddo, I do hope everything’s gonna be ok – Ring or write if you wanna chat – alright? You’re a great Pal Radar. I’ll see you back in the states kiddo. Good luck with your gal
From your buddy – Max Klinger.
