A guide to the people who make up Saint Matthias Campus
Well, ignoring the fact that this feature is supposed to be about the people who make up St Matts, why would you want to write about Principal's House?
I'm rather fond of it, that's all. Plus, I believe it's very much maligned and misunderstood.
How do you mean?
I just think it's unfair that whenever I go for a seminar in one of the PH rooms, the lecturer comes in, and seeing the number of students squeezed round the tables, starts complaining about how inconvenient the tiny classrooms are. Whereupon all the students join in and complain about the dodgy heating system and the funny smell and all the steep staircases and how crowded the downstairs corridor gets.
What's the good side to Principal's House then?
From the top floor you've got lovely views of the quad and the rest of the campus. It looks pretty from the outside, and when you go in, the narrow passageways and unexpected corners make you feel like you could discover a secret passageway at any moment.
Yet still people only look at the negative side, eh?
Poor Principal's House... it does smell a bit though.
'Pond Life returns next Issue
Want to know what the festive season has in store for you? Mystic Meg’s alcoholic son Mystic Mark is here to let you know. Be warned though, these really are Horror scopes!
Key: Fire Signs, Air Signs, Earth Signs, Water Signs
(I actually researched that)
Nov 23rd-Dec 21st
Listen to the voice inside; it tells the truth. You want to take a new direction in life after Christmas. Athlete's foot can be cured, so get it sorted! Did you get that fiver back? Tell your housemate exactly what you think of them on the 20th.
CAPRICORN
Dec 22nd-Jan 20
A Virgo is giving you the eye; go for it. That spot on your face should clear up eventually. Don't worry about rising to the occasion on New Years Eve; its called Brewers Droop. Boxing Day sees you having a flatulence bonanza.
AQUARIUS
Jan21st-Feb 18th
Be careful! Your cocky attitude is really starting to **** people off! Don't cry too much over Christmas, Tiddles just ran out of lives. I sense you have a dark secret- come clean. The 20th-24th finds you panicking and stressed out.
PISCES
Feb 19th-March 20th
The number 69 is prominent throughout the festive season for you, my fishy friends. Remember the mouthwash! Is it meant to look like that? Stop wearing your sister's knickers. The 26th holds a big surprise for you.
ARIES
March 21st-April 20th
Your car Is ready for the scrap heap, so avoid long journeys. On the 21st the smell of burning toast will greet your nostrils. You really should do something about that dandruff, you will never pull until you do!
TAURUS
April 21st-May 21st
Your money chart shows that your overdraft is in danger of becoming the size of a small African nations debt. Lay off the booze over Christmas; your liver cannot take much more! Cirrhosis is for life, not just for Christmas!
GEMINI
May 22nd-June 21
Do you really love your partner? Your friends spotted you eyeing someone else up when you were last out on the town. You may get an itchy rash during the season of good will- Gemini's are born flirts!
CANCER
June 22nd-July 22nd
Forget the diet. The Christmas period sees you piling on the pounds, so eat all the mince pies. You finally realise Father Christmas does not exist, you sad Muppet. Your annoying Aunty asks you of you are "courting yet" as she does every Christmas.
LEO
July 23rd-August 23rd
Well, passion is in your chart for the festive season, get yourself off to the clap clinic in the new year. Get rid of the stolen goods, I sense someone is going to grass you up. If you’re in a relationship Christmas will bring a big surpise!
VIRGO
August 24th-September 22nd
Are you really that boring? I know it's hard to believe, but Christmas is a time to party and the New Year is a time to go wild. Let your hair down and to hell with those essays!
LIBRA
September 23rd-October 23rd
For crying out loud! Just pick one present. Your flirtatious side will get you into trouble on New Years Eve, don't go kissing everyone. Christmas Day sees you become very ill- too much beer? Your lazy, so get off that arse and do something!
SCORPIO
October 24th-November 22nd
Mars is in your chart for the rest of the year; you are on fire, baby! Everyone wants you, but be careful who you give your love to- they wear a mask of deceit. Don't ignore that niggling bowel problem.
While he can and will take full credit if any of this stuff actually comes true, Mystic Mark cannot accept any responsibility for anything bad that happens to you this Christmas. Sorry about that.