Abduction:  It Isn't Just for Rednecks Anymore
Or
Location, Location, Location

There was a time when it was relatively easy to avoid alien abduction.  

All the bright  young urban professional had to do was, well, BE a bright young urban professional. If one was being a bright young urban professional  well north of the Mason-Dixon, all the better.  Failure to own a pick up truck with a gun rack also helped enormously, as did a staunch refusal to wear anything plaid, the complete absence of a bass boat in the drive way, lack of a  beer gut, and the ability to refrain from drinking any alcohol distilled by family, friends, or some overweight, snaggle-toothed,  disreputable-looking guy referred to by one and all as 'good ol' Bubba.'  If you could legitimately say that you had more than a fourth grade education, had no uncles or aunts who were also your cousins and /or grandparents, and that, in all likelihood, you would never eat possum, you were pretty safe. 

My, my, how times have changed.  

As this map taken from a recent issue of The Lone Gunmen clearly shows, almost all of the United States -- urban, rural, industrial, agricultural, deciduous, coniferous, above sea level, below sea level, temperate, sub-tropical, and even New York -- is now subject to alien abduction activity of some sort.  While the southern and western parts of the country are most strongly affected, no area of the lower 48 has remained untouched by this disturbing trend.  

Alien Abduction Hot Spots

For those of you wondering, yes, the rest of the world has abduction hot spots too.  But, as I have learned from television, the universe as we think we know it revolves around the United States of America.  This fact alone probably explains why alien colonists, bent as they are on world domination, global enslavement, and interstellar supremacy, want it so darn bad.  Either that, or their planet suffers from a dearth of Starbucks, and they have a serious half-caf mochaccino jones, but I digress. 

(NOTE: It has, of course,  been suggested that this abduction trend is due, in part, to the proliferation and wide-spread distribution of, well, of guys like us,  combined with  the aliens' inability to tell one human from another.  At this time, however, this theory remains both unproven and very, very disturbing, and therefore, we can ignore it. )

As you are no doubt aware,  your very existence means that you are about one-half of an incredibly rewarding, fulfilling, often challenging relationship, and that you have a Significant Other who has invested time, energy, and emotion -  real or virtual - in you.  Should you be the type who is partial to Giorgio Armani's  finest, there's probably also been some serious cash involved, too.  You have, furthermore, SEEN, thanks to The Original, exactly how much fun an alien abduction can be.  So naturally, the last thing you want to do is book a cruise on the Good Ship Reticula. 

So what's a Clone to do?   Here are some pointers:

(1) Avoid the South
While all of the nation is affected, the south is still the region of the country voted 'Most Likely To Be Buzzed by the MotherShip.'   Of course Disney World is nice, and Graceland is, deservedly, a MulderMecca, but why risk it?  The Grand Ole Opry will miss you, buckaroo,  and Dollywood, well, Dollywood, with all its charms and attractions, it was just never meant to be.   Cowboy up and get over it. 

(2) Continue to Avoid Oregon
As mentioned in the last chapter,  Plausible Oregon™ is just not a good idea. At all.  Shun it, Bro.

(3) Get the Hell out of Dodge...
or, in this case, the US. Perhaps your Significant Other has always considered a move to Australia? New Zealand? Fiji? Iceland?  Given the high incidence of abduction, cattle mutilation, and  other-worldly anal probing,  not to mention the politics, health and social issues, crime rate, and over-abundance of Starbucks in the States, emigration might not be a bad idea. 

(4) Buy Abduction Insurance
The UFO Abduction Insurance Company
   (note the name on the Insurance Certificate, guys) has been providing this fine service since 1987.   They claim they haven't had to pay out yet.  (They also claim The Original's let his policy lapse.  How convenient).  Either this stuff works as an alien repellent, or will net your Beloved a tidy little sum in the event of your unscheduled inclusion in the Alien Astronaut program.  Fork out for it and rest a little easier.  

And what about those times when geography alone is not enough to save you?  Next, we'll look at simple, sensible everyday ways to make your abduction less likely.

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