When I was little, around 5 or 6 years of age (I am almost 28 now), I can remember when my dad bought my brothers and me this HUGE colourful book about God. He read it to us every night, explaining who God is, and what He's all about. Even though my parents really never went to church that I can remember, I always tried to. My mom went with me a few times to the Assembly of God church that was just down the street from where we were living in Rosamond, California. It was a neat lil church, and whenever my mom came with me once, I decided to go with her to the adult church, instead of going to the Childrens' church. It was a very interesting experience, although on my part, quite frightening. There was this woman, she stood up and started shouting praises. I didn't understand what was going on, so my mother explained that she was telling Jesus she loved Him.

I continuted to go to Childrens' Church, as it was quite a bit easier for me to grasp the concepts they were teaching us, and when my family moved back to my home state of Idaho, I found a "Full Gospel" church to go to. Not quite as charismatic as the one I'd been previously attending, but it would have to do. I started going, and soon afterward, got scared and quit attending their services. All they wanted to talk about was eternal damnation and hellfire punishment for those who rejected God and His love. I was used to going to a church where they preached God's LOVE, not His ANGER!

I was about 9 when this happened. So, I just stopped going. I knew my grandparents on my mom's side attended church, but didn't start going with them until I was 15.

By the time I was 12, I'd had somewhat of a grasp of Who or What God was. At least I THOUGHT I did. :-)

I had no idea what was in store for me when I hit puberty.

When I was 12, I started going to the library a lot more, and spending time a lot more there than with my friends. I found this one section of books in the religious part, and they were bout witchcraft.

So began my walk of Satanism.

I found all sorts of books, and even checked a few out. The books, to me at the time, seemed like little poetry books. I didn't know that I was conjuring up a lot of havoc for my family when I even just had them in my possession. Heh. Possession. How ironic. :-) I am not going to go into ALL the details, but I will just say this: The old saying of "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT!" is quite true. One of the books I'd managed to get my chubbly lil hands on was a book of black magick. NOT GOOD. I damn near killed myself with one of the spells in there!!

My grandparents on my mom's side were down for a visit (we lived in California again, and my grandparents were living in Idaho), and was talking to my mom about her concerns about my behaviour. I was starting to more and more withdraw into myself, and got snappy at people who were just trying to talk to me. I fought with my parents and brothers all the time, and got real nasty toward my grandfather, with whom I was very close to! This was just not like me AT ALL! My mom, when I had returned from school with yet more books about witchcraft and satanism, told me that she wanted me to get rid of the books, stop bringing them into her house, and if she ever saw them again, she'd burn them. Fair enough. I went into my room, got out all my books, notes, etc., on satanism, and got rid of them as she'd asked me to do.

Right around that same time, my mother had met some Jehovah's Witnesses (I practiced witchcraft for about a year and a half before I started listening to my mother) and was studying the Bible with them. She had mentioned my "new beliefs" to them, and asked them to talk to me if they thought it would help. They agreed, and when spring break came around, I got the opportunity to meet with this nice couple my mother had become so close with.

They explained to me, and pointed out in the Bible that Satan is gonna just chew me up and spit me out again, he's no one's friend but his own, and all he wants to do is take me down with him to Hell whenever the Second Coming happens. I now know this to be true. Thank you, Connie and Jamie! :-)

When I was 15, a friend of mine committed suicide. I'll never forget that day. It was a three day weekend, I was a freshman in High School, she was a sophomore. It was November 9th, 1990, and I was just going into my first period class, Physical Science. My favourite. Mr. Wilkerson, the teacher, was sitting there and talking to some students, and I heard the words "shot herself" come out of his mouth. I was thinking maybe it was someone he knew from a long time ago or something, and I left it alone. When everyone was pretty much ready to start the lecture, he got this solemn look on his face and told everyone he wanted their undivided attention, which we gave him. He told us that over the weekend, Jhoni Coleman had killed herself. We ALL freaked out. There wasn't a dry eye in that school the entire week. Everyone loved her. She had so much going for her, she was the captain of the basketball team, captain of the volleyball team, straight A's, and the most popular girl in school. But she wasn't stuck up. She was nice as could be.

Jhoni was the first person I ever knew that had killed themselves. I didn't know it at the time, but suicide is WRONG. My parents had been notified, as had all the other parents, and when I got home, I was still crying from the news. My mother started all over my case about how Jhoni is in hell now, and there's no hope for her to go to Heaven, yadda yadda yadda, and I got really pissed at this point because I thought she was crazy. EVERYONE goes to Heaven, I argued! Unless you do something really heinous! My mother's Jehovah's Witness friends talked to me because I wouldn't listen to my mother. As much as I love her, she's too abrasive at times.

They showed me where in the Bible it says that even suicide is a sin. It's literally murder. That's probably the only unforgivable sin there is! Unforgivable meaning that you can't go and do it and then come back and tell God you're sorry and He's gonna forgive you.

Well, eventually I came around and decided that although Jhoni is in Hell, I still cared about her, and my parents couldn't change my mind about that!

That following summer, my family decided because our neighbourhood was getting too crime ridden, we were going to move back to Idaho. My grandparents came down and helped us move. When we first got there, we were staying with my grandparents until we could find our own place. I was following my grandma around the house one day, being generally annoying (sorry, Grandma!), and she told me that maybe I should go out and pester my grandpa for awhile. My grandpa! YES! He's one of the most God-fearing people I've ever known! He was my best friend, and even though he's in Heaven now (he died when I was 17), I still think of him as my best friend. :-)

I decided to go out and take Grandma's advice before I found myself on the receiving end of some really boring chore she'd conjure up for me to do. Grandpa was out back crushing cans and we started talking, for whatever reason, about God. I started asking ALL KINDS of questions. Grandpa always had an answer for me, too. Well, most of the time. Sometimes I can come up with some strange ones, that even priests can't answer! hehehehe

He told me about the church he and Grandma attend, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I asked if I could go, too. Now, keep in mind, my parents really didn't raise me anything, just gave me the basics about God, and sent me on my merry lil way. I was told I'd always have their support so long as I didn't get mixed up in Satanism, which I've already shown you before what that did to my relationship with my mother. :-( My Grandpa said sure, he and Grandma would love to have me attend with them, and so began my journey as a Mormon! I went to their church for 3 years, and even got baptized when I was 18. Interesting bunch of people, let me tell you! Although my family (even though some are non-practicing) is mormon, and a lot of my friends are mormon, I don't hold it against them. I had a bad experience with that faith, so I decided to leave them alone and move onto something more "honest." I am not one to knock anyone's beliefs, so I am just going to say that I caught a bishop in a lie, and I decided their church isn't for me.

When I was 19 (August, 1995), I started going to a Baptist church in Killeen, Texas. The month before my first child, Wolfgang was born (September, 1995), I got baptized into their faith. When Wolfie was born, we had the Pastor do a baby dedication to the Lord on my son's first Easter.

When my son died, we had his funeral at that same church. Shortly after my now former husband and I moved to a different neighbourhood, I stopped going to the Baptist Church, not because of any reason in particular except transportation issues. :-) I met these people who had just moved in across the street from us, they were Christian, and VERY DEVOUT at that, and they invited Andrew and I to a skit they were doing on Ft. Hood, where Andrew was stationed at the time. We agreed to go (This was in the spring/summer of 1996; I think Wolfie was about 4 or 5 months old at the time), and we had a great time. A few people even gave their lives to Christ! We got invited to another get-together, and went to that, too, and then invited to church. I went, but since my son was sick with a cold, Andrew told me to go on ahead and go, and he'd stay home with the baby. I went, it was a Mother's Day Sunday, and when they were praying, I heard a lot of gibberish come from even the grownups. I didn't know it at the time, but this was "speaking in tongues." I, out of respect for the congregation, waited until their prayertime was done, and they were about to start the sermon, and snuck out quietly.

This girl I'd met at the second get-together followed me outside and asked me if I was ok. I told her yes, but that was a little overwhelming for me, and she told me about "speaking in tongues."

She asked me if I was going to come back again, and I told her sure, no problem, and eventually she and I became very close. I considered her my best friend, as she was always there, even when I didn't say anything about anything that was bothering me. She'd always be there. She helped me pick myself up and dust myself off, and really opened my eyes to what God's true nature was all about. That girl, to me, is a living saint.

Right around that same time, my former husband and I decided to split up (January 1997), because when our son died, things were falling apart, and we couldn't see any necessary reason to stay together...

I went to that church for almost a year or so, and when the time came for me to move to California, I got baptized. This was the third time I'd been baptized. While living in California (May 1997; I swear this state has some weird affect on me!), I managed to get back into paganism. NOT GOOD. At that time, though, I was on the outs with God, as I felt He'd been the one who'd taken my little boy from me. I met this girl who'd also been a pagan, and she wanted me to move to Chicago and be with her while she was going through some tough times with her boyfriend. She sent for me, and I went. She, too, was a pagan, a witch, actually, and we got along great. When her ex-boyfriend was messing with her, I did some vicious things to him through a photo graph. Stuff I will never ever do again, no matter HOW tempting. :-)

Right around Halloween, I told her that I wanted to move out, because she was getting too arrogant. She and I got into this HUGE argument, and I left. I eventually met my now ex-boyfriend, Jeff, and we moved in together in 1998. Things didn't work out with us, either, and in July of 98, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Brittanney, and decided to quit the witchcraft and move back to Christianity. I met some Catholics when I was still with Jeff, and we became great friends.

What happened was I was in a Pagan chat room, and these christians came in and started talking to us. This one girl, I forget her name, but she was real nice, started private messaging me. When I found out her intentions were NOT to shove God down my throat, I decided to talk to her. She wanted to introduce me to some friends of hers, who where just like her, and I agreed, but warned her that if they started crap with me, I was going to leave.

She took me in and eased me into the proverbial waters, and it wasn't too bad after I realized for myself that these people are there just like me to have a good time. I even made a few friends! When Jeff and I split up, I managed to stay friends with these people, and turn my back on paganism. I even met a few Catholics in person after meeting with them online. I got invited to Mass, and loved it. I went for just under 3 years, and then I got into yet another disagreement w/someone of the Cloth, in 2k1, and stopped going to Mass!! ~beginning to wonder if she's got authority issues or something~

When my youngest baby, Jessyka, was born, while I was in the hospital having her, I had requested for a priest to come up and bless me and the baby, should GOD FORBID anything go wrong during the delivery. Nothing bad happened, and we were able to go home within a few days' time.

When Jessyka was 2 months old, she came down with Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease (acid reflux) and had to be in the hospital for 4 days. I am here to tell you, whomever is reading this, that if you ask God for help, HE WILL HELP YOU! Jessyka is fine, now, she's 3 years old, going on 30 as of 17 August 2k3, and she's healthy as a horse. And just as sassy as me! lol

I've had a few bumps, but I am doing alright now. In fact, REAL RECENTLY, on 8 April 2001, I was watching "Touched By An Angel" (I LOVE THAT SHOW!), and got a bit of a wake-up call. I prayed for forgiveness because I've been a bit of a cranky bitch lately, and I know that God forgave me. I told Him I want to be His forever, and He accepted me back into His fold. During Mass that day, it was SO COOL! We had a liturgy about Christ's sacrifice for us, being 8 April was the beginning of Holy Week, and Christ's Passion, I couldn't help but feel this little tug at my heart while the liturgy was going on. Later that night was just the icing on the cake during "Touched By an Angel."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~UPDATE~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
About 2 years ago, I was sitting at home bored and cranky and not having a very good day at all. There were these 3 Sister Missionaries from the LDS church came by, and I didn't know who it was that was ringing the doorbell, so I went downstairs, grumbling the whole way about how it'd better be good, and all that. When I opened the door, 3 shiny, smiling, happy, bright, innocent faces stared back at me.

Sister Hess (I will always love and remember you, girl!! See you on the other side some day!!) started to introduce herself and her companions and explain to me why she was there. I told her she needn't explain, I knew who they were and why they were at my door.

I apologized for not inviting them in, but my apartment was still in progress of cleaning, and I didn't want to fry their innocent minds. ha ha So, we stood outside talking for a bit, and then Sister Hess asked me where I was from. As it turned out, she was from the same state as me, and had dated one of my classmates when we were in school. She and I became very close friends almost immediately. They invited me to a Church gathering, and I told them I would try to make it, but I wasn't going to promise anything. They took down my address and phone #, and we agreed to talk again sometime. :)

One day, out of the blue (And I had forgotten about the gathering!!), I get this phone call from Sister Hess. She'd gotten a new companion straight out of MTC (Missionary Training Centre), and this new companion needed practice on giving the discussions, would I be willing to help out?? SURE!! C'mon over!! At first I almost said no, then I realized what she'd asked me, and that's when I told her yeah, come on over and we'll do this. :)

Sister Sellmer was real sweet. She seemed a lil shy at first, but once we got to know each other, she opened up. :)

If it hadn't been for those girls showing up on my door, I wouldn't have given the LDS church a second thought since I walked out the door in the summer of 95. I love my church so very much, I don't see myself ever leaving again. Not for any reason, unless God Himself comes down and tells me to do so, and then I know it will be a difficult thing to do.

But I know He won't.

Shortly after I'd started going back to my Church, I found out my 2nd husband had been cheating on me. I was so scared I would be the one held responsible and ex-communicated, I panicked and called the RS President and asked if I made an appointment to go see the Bishop, would she go with me?? She said she would, and we did. I told Bishop Frost what had happened, and asked if he was going to have me ex-communicated. He asked me why he would do that to me, and I said b/c I didn't know how the Church felt about divorce and all. He said as long as it wasn't me that was committing the adultery, then I had nothing to worry about.

Well.

That was a huge weight off my shoulders. But, shortly after I'd moved out from the home I'd shared with the first man I ever loved, my 2nd husband, I stopped going to church again. I was (and still do) harbouring bitterness, anger, resentment feelings.

I have since started getting back into the Church, and I don't ever want to leave. It's the "glue" that's held me together during the loss of my son, my daughter, and 16 miscarriages. Yes, you saw that right, I said 16. Even though I wasn't active when most of those happened, and when my 2 oldest children were born, or when my youngest child was born, I knew deep down in my heart of hearts that I'd strayed from Home, but Home hadn't strayed from me. I never let go of the doctrines I was taught, and I won't ever let go.

And I say these things humbly in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I hope by reading this testimony, you have a better understanding of who I am, and who God is through my eyes. Thanx for reading!!!