Questions!

Why am I a Questioner of Faith?

All my life I've searched for what I'd always heard as "The One True God." Still today, in my adult life, I don't know who He is. I've searched everywhere, even on the other side of the fence in Satanism. That, of course, got me nowhere. So, I started going back to church again, and listening to minister after minister speak of the love of God, and what He did for us by sending His Son to die for our sins. I've been baptized 3 times, once as a Mormon when I was 19, once as a Baptist, when I was almost 20, and once as a Non-Denominational Charismatic Christian when I was 21. Even as I went to these churches, and listened to the sermons, yes, I found SOMETHING, but I don't honestly think it was what I was looking for.

3 years ago, I started going to a Catholic Mass. It was unlike ANYTHING I've EVER experienced, and to this day, although it's a beautiful religion, I don't hold fast to a lot of things they preach. For example, Catholics hold onto a sacrement called "CONFESSION." Sure, it's a wonderful way to get close to God, but still, I choose to see it as a person goes because they've reached a point in their lives they are having a rough time, and need to get out of that rut. I was corrected in this matter, by a priest.

I have been having a very rough time these past few weeks, dealing with a lot of inner struggle with my own beliefs. I want more than anything to be able to talk to God again, and have Him hear me like He used to, but I don't know anymore WHAT to hang onto as a God. One of my BIGGEST issues about God, is the suffering and pain in the world, and how come my own two child ren had to die, and they are only babies! How come my brothers had to die, too, and they didn't do anything to anyone. We all fall short, and that's just basic human nature, everyone knows that, but I can't understand if God is going to punish someone, why He'd do it through our children. I mean, if you have an issue with me, COME TO ME DIRECTLY, right? Don't do it through the children. ESPECIALLY BABIES. I have always heard, "IT was just God's Will, yadda yadda yadda." Let's please play a new record...That one is getting a bit warped and the tune is getting VERY OLD. I am sorry to say, I DO believe there is SOMETHING out there, and I have a lot of Christian friends who go to church and believe in God, but I don't know what I, Tabitha Rea Bowers, believes anymore. It used to be that I could get up in the morning, pray my Rosary, and go t work, come home, pray my Rosary again, go do whatever, and come back at night, read the Bible, and pray my Rosary before going to sleep, and it seemed whatever question I asked God, He'd always answer me. No matter what. But, for whatever reason, I just stopped doing that, and I don't know why. I wish I could have that relationship with God again, but I guess I am going to have to keep searching for Him first. My friendsand my family have always told me God is always listening, it's just me who is turning the deaf ear toward the conversation. Well, maybe they're right? My family and my REAL friends have never given me reason to doubt before....Maybe I should give it another shot.

A very interesting thing happened to me pertty recently. I had a conversation with a friend of mine about what's been bothering me, and she told me that when we feel abandoned and the most alone, that's when God is closest to us. That's when He does His best work. I feel a bit better now, after that conversation, and after seeing all 3 "OH, GOD!" movies. If you haven't seen them yet, I recommend them highly. hehe