| Odessa Files |
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| This document, bearing the seal of the High Smily Face, is officially ridiculous and any who take it seriously will suffer death by painful lacerations inflicted by a skeletal herring. |
| STOP EATING PASTE; WHITE OUT IS SO MUCH HEALTHIER FOR YOU |
| Volume 3, Issue 2 10/25/02 |
| Satan At It Again By Master Justin |
| CHICAGO, IL—Satan, the fiendish imp who dwells in the bowels of Hell, is at it again this Halloween. The Dark Lord’s annual Halloween journey took him to the homes of innocent, unwitting citizens. They were held at the mercy of his flaming pitchfork and, with the deep, rumbling declaration of “Trick or treat” they are commanded to supply the Prince of Lies with rations for his never-ending campaign against the forces of goodness. “It wasn’t all that bad,” said terrorized citizen Sherman Donovan. “He was one of the best devils I’ve seen in a long time.” “I don’t recall the pitchfork to be on fire,” said Shirley Tate, who was probably so terrified that her mind involuntarily blocked out the whole incident. Authorities rushed to the scenes, but Satan always managed to be one step ahead, eluding police for yet another year and when, in some cases devils were found, the police were unable to distinguish which one was Satan. “You know they all look alike,” commented Sheriff Pete Wilcox. After amassing a wealth of Sweet-Tarts and Milky Way bars to feed his growing Legions of Evil, Satan once again disappeared into the fires from whence he came, leaving behind his flesh in the form of a costume and a plastic mask. “With the amount of money I spent on this,” said mother Christine Sampson, “Satan better have appreciated it.” |
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| Satan, great and terrible Lord of Death |
| Columbus Day Again Passes Unnoticed By Kou Cao |
| NEW YORK, NY—Americans all over the nation enthusiastically forgot to celebrate Columbus Day, keeping with the spirit of national tradition of celebrating only gaudy holidays. Columbus Day was named to honor this old guy Christopher Columbus, who found a New World or something. Columbus sailed for Portugal, or one of them other stupid European countries. He did something important that changed the course of history, yada yada, is it Christmas yet? Reports are coming in, however, that indicate Italian citizens do indeed celebrate Columbus Day, but we all know that this is a hoax. I mean, come on, everybody knows that Columbus guy was Spanish. |