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| Brilliant Retort Thought Of After Fact By Baron Vince |
| NEW HAVEN, CT—Area man John Bolder thought of a brilliant comeback to neighbor Fritz Juno’s “smart aleck comment about the rhinoceros” approximately ten minutes after the comment was made. Bolder is reportedly agonizing over the tragedy of having a great one-liner, and being unable to voice it. “Damn that Fritz!” said Bolder. “He’s always tripping me up and putting me in situations like this. Why, if I were to think of things a little faster, he’d be in a world of mental pain, believe you me!” This is the third time in a month that Bolder has thought of a genius retort after the fact during a conversation with Juno. Reports indicate that Bolder has been “getting faster”, however, since the last two times he thought of a brilliant retort it was in a grocery store the day afterwards and before that a waterpark going down the Black Thunder waterslide, three months after the fact. “Whoa!” Bolder had said, shooting down the slide. “How d’ya like them apples, Fritz?” Bolder does not indicate any real problems involving Juno, but he believes Juno thinks he’s “sooo smart”. Juno himself said (of Bolder) “He’s a great guy! Got him a bit tripped up with that rhino crack a while back. Hope he’s not mad, or anything.” |
| Bush/Gore Costumes No Longer Funny By the Experts |
| BALTIMORE, MD—The reports are in, and experts agree that Halloween costumes of Presidential Combatants George W. Bush and Al Gore are no longer funny, and constitute a dead joke that people should just let lay. The costumes originated during the 2000 Presidential Race, in which Bush and Gore competed in a notably close contest. Pairs of jokesters would dress up as both candidates and wander the streets, usually performing some skit after saying “Trick or treat!” “It was fun in 2000,” said Pat Simm, who acted as Gore. “My pal Jake was Dubya. Boy did we have those folks laughing, especially when I kept asking to make sure they weren’t giving ‘George’ any Happy Powder. You know Dubya. We did it last year, too, and it was all right, but not as good. Now I’d say the novelty is all gone.” Costume experts agree, suggesting instead Bush/Saddam duos, assuming you can find someone gutsy enough to pay Saddam. |
| Despite Warnings, Spanish Inquisition Remains Unsuspected By Ludwig |
| BARCELONA, SPAIN—Despite frequent and frantic warnings, all reports indicate that the notorious Spanish Inquisition still remains largely unsuspected in their role in today’s world crises. “Well of course!” said the unsurprised Francisco Cortes, the leader of the outfit. “NO ONE suspects the Spanish Inquisition!” “Spanish Inquisition?” said US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who did not suspect the Inquisition in any incident to date. “What the hell are you talking about?” The Inquisition frequently invades homes and interrogates innocents, torturing their victims (when they remember their instruments). The Pope, when asked what he knew of the Inquisition’s actions, replied: “Not this again.” |
| WORSHIP MONTY PYTHON |
| Opinion |
| That's Why God Invented Euthanasia By Wayne Shanks, P.H.D. |
| I’m getting sick and tired of all these people complaining about overpopulation and overcrowding in our cities. The talk is getting old ,and nothing is getting accomplished! Until people start thinking up worthwhile solutions for their problems, they have nothing to complain about. For instance, take the overcrowding situation. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why God invented euthanasia. Now, before you go bashing me or writing hate mail, just think about this rationally. Euthanasia is mercy killing, right? So getting rid of all those extra people will—ta da—be a mercy on the other folks who have to put up with them day in and day out. Of course not everyone would be subject to euthanasia. There would have to be a board or something that decided who got to stay and who got to go. I would be a valuable member of this board. But that’s not the only problem I can solve. No, siree! I can solve the global warming problem, too. See, what we do is, we invade all the other countries and force them to stop polluting the air like jerks. Then, with the USA the only one doing any polluting—there’s no escaping it, we have to get places somehow, and we need cars cause walking is too hard—the global pollution level will drop drastically and the ozone will be saved. Am I a genius, or what? |
| Point/Counterpoint: Halloween |
| Raar, I Will Eat You! By Tommy Phelps |
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| I’m coming for you! You hear me? I’ma attack your house at the night-time and blow your house down! Raar, I will eat you! I am the Big Bad Wolf, and you won’t get away from me! I’m gonna get all your candy and eat it up, and then I’m gonna have you for dessert! Raar! Are you scared yet? I thought so! Do you have any Reeses? Those are the best, I think. If you give me lots of Reeses, then I may not eat you. I can be a nice wolf sometimes, if there’s lots of Reeses involved. So be ready to give me candy on Halloween, or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in! Raar! I’m getting better at the roar. You’ll like it when you hear it! It sounds just like the real thing You did say you had Reeses, right? |
| POINT |
| Raar, I Will Eat You! By the Ebola Virus |
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| COUNTERPOINT |
| Gimme a break, kid. Good grief, I don’t know how much longer I can take this garbage. Oh, you’ll eat me, will you? I’m really scared. Let me tell you something you should know. Eating me is fine and dandy, but after you do you may be in for a surprise, that is… Raar, I will eat you! Ha ha ha! I am Ebola, the king of hemorrhagic fevers and the most lethal thing out of Africa since, well, ever. I see you like Reeses. Very good. I’ll look for them while I’m feasting on your internal organs, ripping open your arteries and causing internal bleeding every which way. Enough with the roaring thing! I get so tired of it. You wanna hear a roar, punk? Just wait till I systematically rip the blood vessels in your brain. Now that’s screaming, and guess what? It is the real thing! |