| Inside Pages |
| Desperate K-Mart Hosts "Red-Light Special"; Stores Packed By Kou Cao |
| HIGHLAND, IN—K-Mart, increasingly desperate and facing bankruptcy, bypassed its regular “Blue Light Special” and went straight to the new “Red Light Special,” packing stores for the first time in five years. The Red Light Special, also known as the Sultry Savings program, lured scores of customers, mostly male, to stores last week, boosting sales revenue enough for the stores to operate for another five years. It is uncertain how much more money would have been raised if police hadn’t raided the stores Saturday night. “It was despicable,” said police lieutenant John Grady. “I can’t believe we’ve sunk this far. The cashiers were dressed in...well they weren’t really dressed at all, come to think of it. The whole store was just a big brothel. I don’t know how K-Mart ever expected a stunt like this to work. I did pick up this nice pair of pants while I was in there, though. They were twenty-five percent off, and I figured, hey, I’m here, aren’t I?” “I think it’s a great idea,” said concerned patron Jason Miller, a K-Mart shopper for fifteen years. “Stores nowadays need to be bigger, bolder and cater to the carnal desires of men like me.” However Karen Hodges said, “This store is an affront to womanhood and should burn.” |
| Area Woman Haunted By Motivational Poster By Baron Ziegfeld |
| SEATTLE—Local citizen Andrea McCafferty has been haunted for days by the motivational poster on the right. McCafferty, after first viewing the poster in a doctor’s office, now suffers from hallucinations in which the poster jumps out at her. “Just look at it!” exclaimed McCafferty. “There’s just something not right about it. I mean, you’ve got this big old field of red. Then all of a sudden, there’s this big black dog, staring off into space. You have no idea what he’s looking at. It may be a bear, or a dogcatcher, or even a dead body! And then, all of a sudden, there’s this other dog that pops out from the side of the poster as if to say ‘BOO!’ That dog seriously creeps me out. Just look at the face! He obviously knows something you don’t! What is it? WHAT IS IT?!” The creator of the poster could not be reached, but Odessa has now concluded that dogs popping out of random places can be hilarious if properly implemented. |
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| Secret Service Doesn't Think "7 Days" Phone Call Is Very Funny By Ludwig |
| WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Treasury Secretary released a statement today that the Secret Service was not the least bit amused by the phone call President Bush received while watching “The Ring”. The call came almost immediately after Bush finished viewing the section of the movie when protagonist Rachel watches the full tape for the first time. “Seven days,” the caller whispered, and hung up. The Secret Service has not yet been able to trace the call, but this is little cause for alarm. “It’s a movie,” said Agent Thomas. “Movies can’t kill you.” The Ring focuses on a video tape that kills the viewer seven days after they watch it. Bush appeared not the least bit unnerved when he said “I’m taking on all of Iraq—a little girl in a well can’t stop me.” Nevertheless, aides report that the President has been keeping most of his TV’s off. |
| Opinion |
| Why The U.N. Can Suck It By Thomas Setton |
| You know what I’m getting sick and tired of? The goddamn UN! It’s always them, them, them, by which I mean Europe. I mean, come on, we all know that without America nations like France, Germany, Russia and their kind would shrivel up and die! So what I’ve proposed is, ten reasons why the UN can suck it! Pay close attention, my fellow Americans: 1. It’s all about the Europeans. They could care less about America, the most important nation. 2. Veto power was given to nations other than us. 3. Veto power was given to France. 4. There is no way to stop all the other nations in the world from not doing whatever the US wants them to. What is that?! 5. No one ever understands that when America invades their country, they’re doing it to be nice. 6. “Koffi” sounds like a beverage. 7. If the UN is all big and bad, why didn't they prevent the First World War? Huh? 8. They stole a part of their name from us. United? That was SO ours! 9. The UN has been going for how long now, and they’re still coming up with all these opinions of their own. You think they could take a hint! And finally, the big one: 10. We’ve got the bombs. USA! All the way! |
| Point/Counterpoint: Iraqi Occupation |
| Make 'Em Fend For Themselves! By Richard Gordy |
| POINT |
| Here’s what I don’t understand. Why is it that after America does all this work taking care of the rogue nations and warmongers, we have to use our own people and resources to clean up the mess? The answer, as the bleeding hearts will tell you, is because no one else will. So here is America, the knight in shining armor, coming to the rescue? What a load of crap. Look. If you break something knowing you’re going to pay to put it back together, why break it in the first place? It just doesn’t make sense. But since we’re doing this, we might as well get it over with as soon as possible and then let the jerks fend for themselves. It’s not our fault they can’t govern themselves properly. I am not about to give up my Abercrombie clothes and nice shoes so some brainless starving Iraqi can make a last feeble stab at life. Sometimes, you just gotta cut your losses. It’s a bit cold, but Darwin hit it right on the money. |
| Make 'Em Fend For Us! By Danny Boucher |
| Now here’s what I don’t understand: why is it that after all these years, mankind has devolved to the point where we can’t even fight wars correctly? Whatever happened to the spoils of victory? Whatever happened to raiding homes, enslaving women and children and forcing men to join our armies? The answer, since no one else is willing to say it, is wussiness. We’re afraid to be mean, but gimme a break. Screw this “help” thing. They lost, they pay. Make ‘em work for us! You heard me, Mr. Abercrombie. You’re all wrong. You’re thinking in the wrong direction. What we need is people doing whatever the hell we want them to do, and we need it fast. And why stop with rebuilding Iraq? Let’s use these people to build our roads and buildings. Don’t gimme that slavery crap either—who do you think made those Nike shoes of yours? Darwin? Darwin was a wussy. It’s not about a law of nature, it’s all about recycling! We’ve only got so many people—let’s use ‘em well! |
| COUNTERPOINT |