| Odessa Files |
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| This document, bearing the seal of the High Smiley Face, is officially ridiculous and anyone who takes it seriously will be immediately garroted with dental floss. |
| TORA! TORA! TORA! |
| Volume 3 Issue 5 4/9/03 |
| "Survivor: Iraq" Dominates Reality Television By Master Justin |
| BAGHDAD—Ratings for Survivor: Iraq have officially surpassed all other reality TV shows, making it the most successful show of its genre in history. The show, which began in mid March, stars a cadre of Iraqi generals and politicians who must survive in a landscape under attack from hostile outside forces. One by one they are being “thrown off the I-Land” and viewers remain glued to their seats as the final episodes approach. “This was such a great idea,” said viewer Randy Nast. “I was getting tired of these sissy island shows and dating games. Now that guns and death have been thrown into the mix, I can’t get enough!” It is funny that Nast referred to the original Survivor, since the Survivor team is not responsible for the current show. In fact, Survivor: Iraq is sponsored by the US government, much to the chagrin of Survivor producer Mark Burnett. “They’re stealing my revenue!” Burnett raged. “This was my baby, and the media’s turning it into their own project! What kind of world do we live in when a guy can’t even make money off the mass exploitation polices he founded?” Survivor: Iraq is hosted by General Tommy Franks, a capable US military officer, and co-stars Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell, who set up the Immunity Challenges for the Iraqi “Republican Guard” tribe, which is apparently at the mercy of a crafty alliance between Saddam Hussein and his two sons. Despite the show’s overwhelming popularity in America, its following in Iraq is decidedly smaller. “I wish they would not have their Immunity Challenges so close to my home,” said non-participant Omar Khalid. “I have a wife and kids to worry about, you know.” “This show represents all American values and ideals,” said producer George W. Bush. “Watch it...for freedom’s sake.” |
| Feminists Launch Anti-Florida Campaign By Baron Vince |
| HARVARD—Recently aroused by the Harvard “snow penis” extreme feminist groups throughout the U.S. have risen together in passionate support of a new policy: the destruction of Florida. “Florida is a symbol of male supremacy,” said extremist Karen Hodges of Feminists United, or “F.U.” “Women must band together to unhorse the male tyrant from his seat of power and transform the entire world into a bastion of feminine solidarity!” “The phallic Florida has dictated American policy in the recent election,” said Ariel Sutton, Hodges’ comrade, “just as the Florida on every man dictates their actions. It is time to castrate America once and for all! Down with Florida!” However most females, and men in general, decried the anti-Florida campaign as foolish. “Come on, it’s America’s wang,” protested Homer J. Simpson. |