| Inside Pages |
| Ashcroft Still Miffed At Wachowskis About Matrix Leak By Baron Ziegfeld |
| WASHINGTON, D.C.—Attorney General John Ashcroft cited the leak of information pertaining to the “Matrix” as another reason the country needs to strengthen the Patriot Act. “Civil rights are annoying and cumbersome,” Ashcroft declared, slipping on a pair of shades, “and this is why!” Ashcroft has been pissed at Larry and Andy Wachowski, writers and directors of the Matrix movies, ever since a defective “Agent” leaked them information pertaining to a hidden force manipulating the lives of all humans on earth. “Ashcroft himself is an Agent,” said the traitorous program, Agent Jeffords. “He handles most of the restrictive measures. Agent Cheney takes care of the government. There’s also Agent Bush, but we don’t let him do much. Mainly he smiles a lot.” “This kind of information is dangerous in the hands of free-thinking individuals,” Ashcroft declared to Congress. “I demand more power to violate individual rights! Time is of the essence! We must find the One before it is too late.” |
| Tiger Woods Suspended For Corked Driver By Kou Cao |
| 19th HOLE—The inimitable performance of golfer Tiger Woods has been thrown into serious question after the famous athlete was suspended from three tours today for using a corked driver. The discovery was made when Woods cracked the driver while teeing off on Hole 17. When his caddy recovered the club he noticed that something was amiss, and authorities quickly discerned that Woods was using an illegal corked driver. “I grabbed the wrong club,” said a despondent Woods to his doubting fans. “That’s all there is to it.” Officials are now checking all of Woods’ clubs to determine whether or not any of his other famous shots have been illegitimate. “We are investigating all possibilities,” said the PGA. Authorities are still in the dark as to how in the hell Woods managed to snap a driver in half. |
| "Monkeypox" Least Threatening Virus Name Ever By the Experts |
| WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION—A recent report has concluded that Monkeypox, the new virus that has broken out in the United States, is by far the silliest name for a virus ever and strikes terror in the hearts of no one, except Planet of the Apes fans. The name may have been saved had the virus traveled through a fierce threatening predator. No one questions the name of a virus when it is transmitted through, say, a dragon, says Hans Grimmer, the WHO spokesman. But Monkeypox is transmitted via prairie dogs. See, you’re laughing, aren’t you? There’s no threat whatsoever. “To top it off,” says Grimmer, “the disease isn’t even fatal to humans. We imagine that somewhere along the line monkeys started it, hence the name.” Scientists continue to do reports like this, reporting obvious things and wasting your money. |
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| *Agent Ashcroft |
| Opinion |
| Get A Load Of My Freedom Tickler By Agent Ziggy |
| I’ve noticed a general trend lately, my fellow Americans. It’s called: turn the world against the United States and then whine when they don’t do what we want. Case in point? France. Now I suppose this is going out on a limb, this whole “defend France” thing. I suppose it makes me a part of some European anti-US conspiracy. I may even suffer the wrath of my leaders replacing my name with the word “Freedom”, which is what happened to France. Did you know there is no such thing as a French Fry anymore in America? Neither is there French Toast. No, now we have Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Anyone else smell the distinct odor of bullshit? I can see President Bush and Donny Rumsfeld now, sitting in the Oval Office and giggling like schoolboys as they come up with new names to call the French. And on the flip side I can just see France smarting under the incredible wit and verbal satire of our genius leaders. We sure showed them. Of course there is the chance that France may see this as the crock of monkey dung it is. In that case we may have to go even FARTHER, breaking out the Freedom’s Mustard and treating our dates to Freedom Kisses. And hey, baby, get a load of my Freedom Tickler, while we enjoy the theatrical brilliance of “The Freedom Connection.” |
| "No, now we have Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Anyone else smell the distinct odor of bullshit?" |
| Point/Counterpoint: Divine Intervention |
| Dear God, Please Solve All The World's Problems By Wendy Nugent |
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| Oh good Lord God, I pray to you tonight to ask you to please solve all the world’s problems. There are so many people out there who are suffering from starvation, oppression, and disease. It’s horrible. You know what? It’s just not fair. I live in America, and my teacher tells me it’s the best country in the world, but there are still problems here, like poor people and boy bands. I think since you’re God you should be able to stop all these bad things and make everything good again, like the Bible says you can. I don’t think I want another flood, though. Can you just make lightning strike all the bad people? Thank you God for hearing my prayer. I can’t wait to see a nice, pure Earth again. |
| POINT |
| Eat Me! By God |
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| Oh good Lord God, I pray to you to do this, to do that, to give me money, to give me good looks, to smite that jackass next door who keeps playing the loud music, and to solve allllll the world’s problems because we humans are such damned useless retards that we can’t solve a single bloody thing for ourselves. You know what? Eat me! I’m sick and tired of doing all the work in this bloody universe. Why the hell can’t someone once, just once lend a hand and try to do something on their own without begging for divine intervention? What, since I’m God I should do everything? What do you think I put you here for? To be lawn ornaments?! Don’t hold your breath on that pure Earth thing, kid. |
| COUNTERPOINT |
| *Planet Quake |