| Odessa Files |
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| This document, bearing the seal of the High Smily Face, is officially ridiculous and any who take it seriously will suffer immediate death via the Melbourne Method. |
| Volume 3 Issue 3 11/11/02 |
| IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY...S'ALL COOL. |
| Serial Jaywalker Paralyzes Nation With Terror By Baron Vince |
| WASHINGTON, D.C.—No new leads are turning up relating to the infamous Serial Jaywalker, wanted for a series of brutal jaywalkings all around America, and the lack of results leaves Americans again unable to perform their everyday tasks with any degree of security. “I was going to the bread store,” said Mallory Gunderson, the jaywalker’s first victim. “Everything was fine, and then there he was, like some kind of apparition! I slammed on the brakes but it was too late—while I managed to avoid him I slammed into a fire hydrant.” “I never saw it coming,” said D.C. resident Alan Benton, the most recent victim. “I was heading to Walgreens to get some Vaseline. Never mind why. When I came out of the parking lot and started down the road, the attack came and caught me totally off guard. I swerved away and managed to avoid hitting anything, but the horror is still there.” “People of America,” said Carl Greene, the chief investigator in this case. “We will not let this man win. Together we will stop his jaywalking rampage, and we will bring him to justice. If you know anything, please call.” Police were stunned at the number of jaywalkers who were reported after the press conference. “It’s shocking to think that there are that many law defying heathens out there in this great land,” said Greene. And so Americans continue to wait, forced to grip their fear and shove it aside, forced to grip their lives and force themselves to continue on, and above all forced to grip the steering wheel in preparation for that last minute evasive act. |
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| Could you be next? |
| Jealous Daschle De-pants McCain On Senate Floor By Kou Cao |
| WASHINGTON, D.C.—Gripped with bitter feelings and snapping over a hot debate over the devastating recent elections, a jealous Tom Daschle silenced a John McCain monologue by pulling his fellow Senator’s pants down to the ankles. A hush fell over the gaggle of lawmakers, and a red-faced McCain quickly recomposed himself after recovering from the shock. The fuming Daschle said that he “was sick and tired of being ignored” and that “McCain got all the respect. It was all Johnny Johnny Johnny!” “He even got to appear on Saturday Night Live!” Daschle added while defending himself. “He has the perfect life!” “Sure! My favorite part was the POW camp,” McCain retorted. |