| Inside Pages 2, 3 |
| Leno Beats Letterman To Pulp; Declares Self God Of Late Night By Baron Ziegfeld |
| SAN FRANCISCO—Tonite Show host Jay Leno, in a move that startled critics worldwide, brutally attacked rival David Letterman of Late Night with David Letterman. After achieving this victory Leno proceeded to declare himself the god of late night television and demanded that people start building shrines. “A new era of comedy is upon us,” said Leno to his mass of worshippers. “America no longer has to suffer under Letterman’s dry, cynical humor. Now we can all come around to my own jokes and chides, and all the cool guests will HAVE to come to my show!’ Possible motivations include the fact that Letterman received much more money than Leno, and since the two were rivals before they got their own shows this just adds insult to injury. Another explanation is that Leno really thinks he is a god. No one knows what Leno will do next, but Conan O’Brien and Larry King are looking nervous. |
| Area Woman Responsible For All World's Problems By the Experts |
| HAMMOND, IN—A new report has indicated that area woman Kathy Aldovic is the one to blame for all the problems that are, ever were, and will be. The report, issued by Aldovic’s neighbor Mary Starret, claims that Aldovic, a Serbian immigrant, is always doing things wrong and that it is “people like her” that cause all the world’s ills. “She’s always making excuses and not fighting against her oppressors,” said Starret reprovingly. “It’s people like her who let the Holocaust happen.” At a birthday party for one of Aldovic’s two sons, Starret responded to Aldovic’s admission of a high IQ by whispering to a friend “It’s people like her who made The Bomb.” Aldovic has also been implicated in oil spills, rainforest destruction, dodo extinction, and even has been accused of killing off the dinosaurs. “People like her!” asserts Starret. |
| Area Student Can't Believe They Had Factoring Back Then By Ludwig |
| WHITING, IN—An area student is vigorously denying the possibility that they had factoring back then. The student’s assertions were cued by his Algebra teacher’s reprimands for not doing homework. When the student protested that he didn’t know how to factor without a calculator and thus could not complete the assignments, the teacher responded “Well poor you. Abe Lincoln didn’t have calculators and he factored just fine.” “No way!” the student replied, sure of himself. “They didn’t have factoring back then!” Studies of modern math, which has not changed since the time of Euclid, reveals that they indeed did have factoring back then, despite the student’s assertions to the contrary. “I’m never going to hear the end of this,” the student moaned, correctly. |
| Community Voices |
| I Didn't Appreciate Your Lawyer's Tone By Lloyd Garibay |
| Look, it was bad enough that you broad sided me in the first place. My car took a hard hit and will be in the shop for weeks, reducing me to the horrors of public transportation for the better part of a month. Did I fly off the handle? No. I kept my calm. The accident was clearly your fault. We agreed on this as we swapped insurance info, and during this you “accidentally” gave me the wrong name. Did I rip my fender off my ruined vehicle and shove it down your throat? No, I did not, and I would like to put that on the record. After all this the time comes for me to collect damages, and what should happen but I get a call from your lawyer. Oh great, I think, what else could possibly go wrong? Well, I did NOT appreciate your lawyer’s tone. I’ve never been berated like this in my life. The way he talked it seemed like I was the one to blame for the whole accident, and we know that this is not the case. For Christ’s sake, you backed out of the McDonald’s going 60! I’m lucky that I was moving along at a brisk pace and not just sitting there, or you’d have sent me to the moon! Anyway, you can drag lawyers into this if you want, but just remember that no one double-crosses Lloyd Garibay and lives! |
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| Jay Leno, the god of Late Night, addresses his worshipers. |
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| David Letterman, who demands a recount. |
| Point/Counterpoint: Rainbows |
| Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet! By Miss Carlisle, Kindergarten Teacher |
| Good morning, class! Today we’re going to learn about the rainbow! Oooh, yes, you like rainbows, don’t you? Where have we seen rainbows before, class? Ah, yes, in fairy tales, usually next to pretty unicorns. They’re also in the sky after it rains, did you know—ah, Bobby knew! Good work, Bobby. You get a cracker. Now repeat after me, class, as we learn the colors of the rainbow: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet! Good work! We’re going to look at all those colors in detail very soon, boys and girls, but for now whoever can repeat them for me in order gets a cracker! Hmm, no one? Here’s a hint. Remember “ROY G. BIV”, and you’ll do fine. Good job! Time for snackies! |
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| POINT |
| DUUUDES! By David Albee, Stoner |
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| COUNTERPOINT |
| DUUUUDES! The colors! Look at all the colors! Oh my God, dudes, the rainbow is such a beautiful thing, especially when nine of ‘em are dancing right before your eyes! The colors, man, they’re swirling around like a kaleidoscope. It’s like in a fairy tale, when they have the rainbow next to the pretty...the pretty, uh….Pine Sol. Dudes, this is some good stuff. Gimme a sec… Whoa, dudes! I’m higher than a kite! I’m walking on the rainbow! There’s red, there’s orange, hey, yellow and green! Indigo...whoa, what a color…and violet, dudes, don’t forget her. Ya’ll pay attention? I’ll let you have a pound of pure if you can repeat it for me. No one, eh? Hey, that’s all cool, it just means there’s more for me! Hey, one sec again...DUUUDES! It’s so GREAT! Awesome! Time for doobies! |