| Continuing Coverage of THE CONGRESSIONAL RACE |
| Republicans Take Congress; "Oh, Shit" Says Saddam By Master Justin |
| WASHINGTON, D.C.—The results of the 2002 Congressional Race are in, and in a huge upset the Republicans now totally dominate Congress, giving them control over the Presidency, the House of Representatives and the Senate, which means America and Iraq should be exchanging mortar rounds by, oh, tomorrow. “America has spoken!” said a triumphant President Bush, happy that his party now owns the USA, and thus the world. “Together we can end bipartisan bickering because the Democrats can’t fart without us vetoing it anymore!” “We will now proceed into a new era of American politics,” added Bush, since all presidents have to say that. “We will now move towards peace in America by using rational means to guard our interests and our citizens from the evil of war and hatred. Hate is bad. Love is good. We love, they hate. That’s why we’re America. Understand? Now let’s get those tan sandy bastards before those sorry excuses for human beings can do anything to defend themselves!” Other world leaders reacted to the Congressional Race with what could be described as “trepidation”. “Crap!” exclaimed Tony Blair of England. “I wonder if now’s a good time to tell Bush I was kidding about the whole ‘support’ thing?” “I’m fighting a war in Chechnya at the moment,” Russian President Putin explained. “I can’t be expected to slaughter all those Muslims at once. Do it without us.” Saddam Hussein himself, upon hearing the news, just shut his windows and retreated to his chambers, where aides reported hearing somber French violin music and quiet sobbing. |
| STAFF Master Justin--Editor In Chief Baron Vince--Managing Editor Baron Ziegfeld--Copy Editor Ludwig--Editor Editor Kou Cao--Very Special Editor The Experts--Gatherers of Knowledge Lloyd Garibay--Got A New Car Which Was Promptly Ruined When Some Asshole Kid Put Drain-O Capsules In The Fuel Tank |
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| Bait. |