| Zoodessa |
| HERE AN OINK, THERE AN OINK, EVERYWHERE AN--OH, SCREW IT |
| 10/1/01 |
| Volume=LxWxH |
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| Dudes, We Evolved From Monkeys! By Baron Ziegfeld |
| MESOPOTAMIA—The realization that humans evolved from monkeys has long been pushed aside in favor of movies, parties, and hardcore tentacle porn, but now in today’s educationally aware society people are still engaging in the above activities, but are at the same time blurting out in surprise “DUDES! We came from MONKEYS!” This credit has been long overdue. Monkeys have saved the world from itself time and time again. How could we forget those heroic crusaders swinging through trees and picking bugs out of each other’s hair, all in an attempt to solve the global warming problem? Or how about the fierce dedication of monkeys to chewing bananas that has been crucial in developing preliminary cures to some cancers? Indeed, monkeys hold a special place in our society. We are continually influenced by the inane screeching of influential monkeys, like this guy: |
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| It does not stop here. Monkey influence reaches much further than this. In some parts of Louisiana you can find giant stone pillars carved into monkey idols (NOTE: Easier to find when drunk). Monkey worship is a commonly accepted practice in many developed nations. Love your monkey. Protect your monkey. Despite the temptation, never spank your monkey. In the end, monkeys and all of their useful deeds will be recognized by history books as the true great race of the planet earth—yes, even greater than the ostrich. There’s a reason monkeys have a slot on the Chinese zodiac, and it’s not the same reason as the ox and the pig—it’s cause they’re monkeys. And so, let us all join together in glorifying this race with the Sacred Chant: Monkey! MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY! |
| Cows Get Guns By Baron Vince, with kudos to Dr. Demento |
| SMELLY BUTCHER SHOP HELLHOLE PLACE—Local cows went on a rampage as they were led to the slaughterhouse last Monday. Their leader was a scrawny calf who looked rather woozy—no one suspected he was packing an Uzi. He’d spoken about justice, but no one had heard. He’d been an outcast, alone from the herd. When they came with a needle to stick in his thigh, he kicked for the groin and pissed in their eye. Now free, he picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay, declaring: “We will fight for bovine freedom! We will hold our large heads high! We will run free with the buffalo...or die!” The army was delayed in quelling the cow uprising by chickens in choppers. |