| Zoodessa Page 2 |
| Squirrel Army Marches North; Canada Nervous By Ludwig |
| ONTARIO—After resounding victories in Rhode Island, Nutters III redirected the bulk of his army northwards while demanding ransom for the conquered Rhodies. Earlier in the Rodentian Revolution, guerilla assault teams led by the feared squirrel supersoldier “Cyber Squirrel” launched fierce first strikes against Providence, Rhode Island, and shortly after the main forces marched into town lobbing acorn grenades and chewing people’s legs off. The Rhodies surrendered in an hour and are being held at the mercy of Master Nutters, the squirrel king. Reports indicate, via paw prints, that the squirrels are heading north towards a scared Canada, which recently got over a beaver coup. The displaced beavers are waiting eagerly for the squirrels to arrive, a sign that Minister Chretien calls “bad”. “Our forces would certainly be enough to stop the squirrels,” the minister said in an address to his nation. “That is, if we had forces to speak of.” “Our men are well trained, well equipped, and furry!” declared the proud Cyber Squirrel. “We won’t stop for anyone! Fit fit fijit! Oh wait, that’s not my line.” |
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| Clinton Rides Donkey By Kou Cao |
| ALBANY—In a strong demonstration of support for the Democratic party for the upcoming Congressional elections, former president Bill Clinton rode a donkey good and hard Tuesday as the paparazzi took pictures. Clinton, who has an innate love of riding things, began riding the donkey early Tuesday morning. Come afternoon he was reaching the climax of the event, which culminated in an explosive shower of passionate discharges that disseminated into the hearts of Clinton’s listeners. “I haven’t had such a good ride in years!” Clinton said as he cooled down after the festivities. “You’d think riding asses would be sensitive stuff. But I didn’t have any problem riding this ass. I just slid into position and it was smooth sailing from there! Sometimes, you get a really stubborn, tight ass and you may be in for a bumpy ride. But all in all, it was a really pleasurable experience!” |
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| Cheetahs Run Fast, Experts Agree By the Experts |
| LONDON—Experts from around the globe met in London last Wednesday for the Council of Obvious Things. Many things were stated and agreed upon, chief among them being that cheetahs, the African spotted cat best known for its speed and endorsement of Cheetos, can run vary fast. “It’s really not that difficult a concept,” said cheetah expert Harry Greer. “Cheetahs can run faster than any human being can…as a matter of fact, according to this almanac a cheetah can run faster than any other animal! We all kind of thought that was pretty fast, so we decided to do a thousand dollar study on it. So far the results are promising, and we should be able to learn a lot!” Other items agreed upon were that turtles were slow, the world is large, Pluto isn’t, and rabbits “reproduce like rabbits”. |
| Zoodessa Page 3 |
| The Praying Mantis-Our Friend In Christ By Father O'Fondlin |
| My devoted flock, as you are well aware the road to salvation is a rocky one, and it is often filled with detours, potholes, and foreign heathens piloting taxi cabs. We lack not for enemies...that much is certain. Whether it is the Prince of Lies or one of his many pagan vassals, there is always someone out there wanting to deliver the flock of Christ to the jaws of eternal death. That is why we can take heart in the newest addition to our forces of holiness. I speak of course of the praying mantis, our friend in Christ and partner on the leafy, aphid infested road to salvation. The mantis already has one thing going for it: it prays more than most practicing Christians. Aside from this, the mantis is a sly and clever creature, and can detect the agents of the Abominable Darkness before they can get too close. After setting themselves up for the attack, mantises strike and kill the enemies of the Lord, devouring their unholy carcasses and leaving their black souls to the ultimate judgment. Therefore rest easy, secure in the knowledge that the mantis will guard you...unless you’re a male, in which case the mantis will probably rape you and bite your head off. |
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| Point/Counterpoint |
| They Love Me, They Really Love Me! By the Queen Bee |
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| It’s not easy being queen. Every day I get up, do my job, and go to bed. It’s not like I do any less work than anyone else around the place...which shouldn’t be, because I’m the queen of the beehive! Everything depends on me! The colony’s salvation depends solely on the continued function of my ovaries, and at times I wonder if I am fully appreciated. But then I realize that in the eyes of my subjects, I am revered and loved more than I can imagine. Every day I have sexual intercourse with myriad drones, and their love more than makes up for my troubles. It’s nice to know that in the end, every hardship doesn’t make a bit of difference as long as you’ve got love! And they DO love me...they really do! |
| Die, Bitch By a Drone |
| Point |
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| It’s not easy being queen? Give me a break! You want difficulty? Try this on for size! Ok check this out. I work hard all day, I put in a huge amount of effort, I do everything a drone is expected to do and more, and then I just wanna come home, crash, have a few beers, you know, relax! But can I? NO! I gotta go report to Queenie Baby’s chambers and screw her brains out to make new drones, who will then work hard and screw the queen’s brains out to make more drones. It may sound like the ideal life for a guy, but that whiner can even make sex unappealing! It’s all her, her, her. Well excuse me miss—it takes two to tango! |
| Counterpoint |