Paulos sighed, this wasn't a good place to stop, but he didn't feel that there was any way he could convince her that the disappearance of Michael was not her fault. Maybe with a little sleep he could think more clearly, maybe if he could make sure that Emil was okay. His spouse wasn't feeling well these days; his own family had died on Betazed recently and he needed time to heal- and Paulos was always worried.
He looked carefully at Kamiana, trying to think of something to say to her; something that might ease her pain. "Kamiana, you made a decision to go back to the sciences and you were pressured into that decision, but Michael made his decision on his own. You can't be blamed for what he chose to do with his life. If he was disappointed it was his own problem; you didn't have to stay to please him and he should not have expected that from any of his students, no matter how gifted. He must have been a good man, for that matter he still could be. There is no way of knowing that he won't be back. We don't know for certain that he is dead."
Paulos raised his eyes a little, "I know that it is very easy to blame one's self, but this isn't your fault. Diplomacy must have been something he loved, what diplomat could refuse a challenge like the Dominion? His departure and his status as missing are not your fault." He looked into her eyes again. "Please, believe that."
She shook her head. "I wish it were that easy." she took a deep breath. "All I want to do is stop hurting everyone I care about. I don't understand why it keeps happening." she brushed a tissue at her eyes again. "And it's still not easy being this close to you. There I go again, I shouldn't have said that. I want to talk to *you*, but I can't stop seeing *him*." she took another deep breath. "Can I come back tomorrow?" she forced herself to ask even though she was sure she already knew the answer. It would probably be better for him if she didn't.
His hopeful expression fell for just a moment, but she noticed. "Of course you can. I want to help you Kamiana. I think that you need to sleep, to relax for a bit, but please let us talk again tommorow." Paulos tried to smile again, but he couldn't quite do that. "I don't blame you for reacting to me as you do. I don't understand how any empath could enjoy hurting another--I don't understand how I could do something like that."
"It was not you. It was your alternate. I understand that at least. I'm trying." She stood slowly, pulling away from the couches and from Paulos.
"I know, I just wonder what that must be for that universe...what he must be like and I wonder if he has an Emil." Paulos shook his head, "I'm sorry. You should go to your quarters. We'll talk tomorrow."
Kamiana nodded and slowly left the room, making her way back to her quarters.
--A few minutes later, she was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling plates trying to get to sleep. But the memories still haunted her.
--Mak growing so distant these last weeks when she'd needed him so
--the anguish she had felt when Catrin had explained the Synsara to her
--the disapproval the shame she'd felt when her parents had come to see her, as though she were failing them by wanting something other than what they wanted
--Michael looking at her so much hurt so much disappointment in his pale blue eyes, then walking away
--the day word came that Michael's mission had been lost and the nightmare of grief and loss she had plunged into that day, made worse because her parents could not, would not, understand how much Michael had meant to her and there was a part of her that blamed them for that and that too was something she was ashamed of
--again she heard the dry voice of the announcement of their deaths and that plunged the knife in still deeper
She spent the night sleeping, but only fitfully, tossing and turning. The memories would not let her rest, like ghosts they whispered how she'd failed them all, hurt them all.
* * *
Paulos tried to be quiet when he got home, hoping that Emil would be asleep, but the Betazoid was sitting up in bed. There was a large box sitting at the foot of the bed, old holopictures and rememberance gifts sitting on the floor around it. The box had arrived earlier from Betazed; family possessions someone in the Betazed government had thoughtfully sent to them. Paulos ignored them for the moment. "Are you feeling any better?"
Emil shook his head softly, "No, but it's not what you think it is...It's not the alternate universe or the telepathic contact, not really. She lost her family too...didn't she?" He hugged his knees to his chest and looked up at Paulos. The Deltan sat next to him on the large bed and took one of his hands.
"And you're thinking about your family? There isn't anything wrong with that. If you want to talk about it..." Emil nodded a little.
"I think so, I just don't know what to say. I don't know how to say what I feel anymore." He took a deep breath, "Except...it isn't fair. Ffion was only eighteen. She should be at Starfleet Academy, learning how to pilot a starship...not dead. It isn't supposed to be like this."
Paulos gathered the Betazoid in his arms, holding him tightly. He wished that he could do more than just be support sometimes, a lot more. He waited until Emil had fallen asleep again before getting one of his Betazoid psychology texts to research the available options. He didn't know what else he could do.
* * *
1200 hours, the next day...
Kamiana forced herself to go into the lounge and get something to eat, though she really didn't notice what it was, besides something to ease the pangs. It was as if her sense of taste had blanked out--there wasn't anything physically wrong with her as far as she knew, it was just the way she was feeling lately. Between Mak, and her parents, and everything, the world had become so cold, so empty.
As she got her plate from the replicator and walked to a table, she caught sight of gleaming red eyes of a figure in a dark corner, and part of her wondered who it could be. She caught herself, shaking her head. After what had happened with Emil yesterday she wasn't up to meeting anyone else, she'd likely only end up hurting them, too. Though why she got such a chill from just looking that way she wasn't sure.
He sat alone as he always did. The mug of liquid sat before him. He had drunk over half of it contents, after all he needed the liquid to sustain himself. It was the only substance that could feed one of his race. The pale skinned Thanaos picked the glass up again and took another drink of the dark red liquid.
It quickened him. He could feel it race through his being, through his veins and arteries, bringing with it life and power. Oh what a magic blood was to him. It was far better than anything else that he could do. Better than food, better than sex. This was the source of all that he could be. Yet it was also a very pale imitation of what it should have been. Once he could have fed upon the blood of a living being. That blood brought not only life to him but the memories of his victims, the essence of their lives. He could feed upon all that was of those people and grow from it. Yet now he had to restrain himself. Those around him were his fellow crew members and not cattle as he once thought of them.
Goth looked across at the humanoid, why was she staring at him? He reached out with the powers of his mind and her thoughts entered him. At once he knew she was a Betazoid and her whole life's history. Kamiana shuddered for a moment. Had she felt him as he had touched her mind? Perhaps. It did not matter. The gifts of the Betazoid mind were so much weaker than those of a Thanaos. Yet there was something about this being. Something Goth felt he could use to further his own personal goals.
Perhaps this Betazoid could be of use to him. A tool he could use. A dark smile crossed Goth's face. Yes, he thought, perhaps.
She ate quickly. Though the food tasted like cardboard, she knew that was just her. She finished, and headed for Paulos' office, where she rang the chime.
Paulos didn't even look up when Kamiana arrived, he instructed the computer to open the door and let her in, and started closing the current files being shown. "Good morning Kamiana, please make yourself comfortable."
She entered and seated herself. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at Paulos once again trying not to flinch away from meeting his eyes. "How are you today?" she made herself ask.
"I suppose that I am fine. Did you get much sleep last night? I was doing some reading about Betazoids, I hope you don't mind. I did so much when I lived on the planet, but I haven't had the same need for those books since I came to the Defiant." He smiled softly, and moved to the second couch, sitting across from her. "Are you feeling any better this morning?"
Kamiana shook her head. "I'm just trying to keep busy, that's all. Between Mak, and getting the word about my parents--it's all happening again just like it did after Michael died." She took a deep breath trying to collect her thoughts. "It wasn't just your alternate I saw on the ISS, but Mak's, too." she closed her eyes fighting to keep that memory from resurfacing. "When I got back I wanted, needed, Mak--this Mak--to be with me again. But then he started to change, and then Catrin told me about the Synsara." She took another deep beath. "I know he didn't know what would happen when he killed his alternate. That doesn't change that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't had to come after me. So once again I've hurt someone. First it was my parents, then Michael, and now Mak. Then what happened yesterday with Emil and you. Which wasn't the first time, I remember you being there that day Mak brought me back, how I saw you and couldn't stop screaming."
Paulos flinched a little, remembering. "It wasn't your fault that you reacted like that; it was perfectly normal after what had happened to you on that other ship, by those beings. And you didn't hurt Emil, at least not in the way you seem to think you did. He's just trying to overcome his own trauma from losing his family on Betazed. That is not your fault."
He looked into her eyes for a moment. "Maybe I should not say this...but, you blame yourself for too much, taking credit for everything. Isn't that a little selfish? You aren't forcing people to make the decisions that hurt them, or that hurt you. They are capable of doing that themselves and they are also capable of taking the blame equally for those actions."
Kamiana nodded. "But I did affect them. And now--I really thought I'd gotten over what happened six years ago. Then last night," she sighed. "Mak told me he couldn't see me anymore." The tears welled up again. "I think I cried myself to sleep when he left. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was the message about my parents. That's what brought it all back. There's nothing left now. It's even worse than before now that so much is gone. I can't stand the emptiness much longer, I feel myself slipping away. It's all I can do to hold on."
Paulos moved to sit next to her, embracing her loosely and letting her cry on his shoulder. "I wish there was a magic word to say that would make everything feel better, to help you, but if there is I don't know it. I don't know what to say anymore Kamiana. I'm not sure if there is anything I can say that would help you, I can't even help Emil."
Part of her still wanted to pull away from that embrace, though that was no longer as strong as it would have been a day ago or even a week ago, and she was able to resist it. Though the fear of him was fading there was now another emotion surfacing. "But at least you have him," she whispered. "I don't have anybody, now."
The aching emptiness, the desperate yearning, came back. She'd so wanted Mak, this Mak, or Shuriik as he was calling himself now, partly to help her get past the horror of what she'd endured at the hands of his other self--and it was that other self that was driving him away from her.
The worst part was, she could still feel his presence. He was trying to deny it, to hold himself away from her, but it was still there regardless.
* * *
That evening...
Kamiana walked into 8 Forward, not really wanting to be in here but knowing if she stayed in her quarters the emptiness would overwhelm her (not that it was that far from doing that already).
She looked around, her eyes going once again to the table where she'd had that first dinner with Mak. No! she tore herself away, that memory right now was almost too much, a reminder of what had been (and should still be) a part of her cried silently. She pushed it away. She had to think about something else, maybe even someone else, but what? who?
Scanning the room she saw again the figure in the dark corner with the glowing red eyes, the one who merely seeing him had sent such a chill through her the last time. Who was he? one part of her wondered even as another part didn't want to care. It was the former which won out this time.
She walked slowly over to him, wondering what she could say that wouldn't sound ridiculously trite. "I, umm, haven't seen you around," she finally murmured. "I guess you're new on board?" Though at the same time she wondered why she was doing this, but there'd been something about those red eyes, that pale face, that drew her.
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