In other news: I didn't make up today's book title!
Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," I don't know how coherent this episode will be since my brain has been eaten by a zombie.
Day 29, Wednesday
Early morning - very early - still dark outside. We see nothing - but we hear the scratchy sounds of walkie talkies..
WT1: Did you get the rest?
WT2: Yeah, I had trouble getting out too.
WT1: heheheh!
WT2: I heard someone stirring - I don't know if one of them didn't wake up
WT1: I bet they didn't see anything - with this storm its so dark out-
WT2: I know, ok - mission accomplished, I'm going home.
....
Dumbledore is the first one awake, and is making the morning rounds with his cup of tea. He heads for the back porch to enjoy the bird song. Once outside, he sits in one of the rocking chairs- then notices that one of the chairs is on the ground again..
Dumbledore: Not even picking up after themselves these days...but then.... I'll get it when I go back inside... (suddenly a piercing inhuman screech - the zombie zooms out from around the corner of the house; Dumbledore doesn't move but for the smile) I didn't know we had a visitor.. (he pulls out his wand; but it slips from his lazy grip and falls to the ground; at impact a shimmering blue shield flares up and materializes around him - at that exact moment the zombie crashes into him - the shield rather, and immediately disappears in a cloud of smoke) Ah, whoops.
BigBrother: NO USING MAGIC, PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!
Dumbledore(twinkling): I only meant to scratch my back with it...
Upstairs - the loud Big Brother announcement has awakened Draco... He sits up in bed groggily..
Draco: ugh.. what tim- (sees the room) .........................
(The tires from the women's bathroom are in the room now - stacked in between the sets of beds because they won't all fit. Draco stares in disbelief - the tires reach to a foot below him, and he can't see Black or Snape who must be walled in) ... hm.. how to get down? (he gingerly climbs onto the stack of tires next to him - unfortunately he is not his most graceful first thing inthe morning, and the stack wobbles - falls forward away from the beds) AHH!! (crash) aghhh (Draco sits up, buried by tires) I... hate tires..
(Of course Black, Lupin, and Snape are all awake - but two of them can't see anything but wall and tires-)
Black: What!!
Lupin: hahahahah-
Draco: laughing already..
Black: they've finally done it, Remus! They've buried me alive!
Snape: ...(tries to push a stack of tires aside - but they are packed tightly between the two beds) If I ever see another tire again.....
Draco: (struggling to walk amidst the mess) I think they're less dense over here.. (reaches the end of Snape's bed; pulls a stack away - burying himself beneath them as he falls yet again) AGHRHHRGH!
Snape: Thank you, Draco. (Crawls out the free end)
Black: What's going on? Are the perpetrators still in here?!
Lupin: ah, actually, I think we've all been pranked. It must be the girls again.
Black: Oh Moony - they're asking for it now... pranking the two of us!!
Lupin(grinning): yes, I don't know what they're thinking..
Black: Are you free up there?
Lupin: Yes, I have a bird's eye view. Severus and Draco are leaving.
Black: leaving me to DIE, of course!
Snape: That's right. (exeunt)
Breakfast goes smoothly, and lunch as well. Black has shown Harry the debacle in Bedroom Number Two. After an hour's worth of work they have removed a large portion of the tires to Hermione's and Tonks's beds. Harry is just now squeezing the last tire into the top corner of the bed; since Tonks has a bottom bed, there is a nice ceiling to provide support -- suddenly he hears footsteps! He climbs up into his own bed, pretends to be napping.
Tonks: What -- WHAT! HARRY!
Harry(sits up slowly, rubbing eyes): Huh??
Tonks: OH don't even - I heard rustling in here before I came!
Harry: Maybe it was the wind.
Tonks: With the windows closed? Sure. What is -- (gestures to bed) What - IS this?
Harry(makes a show of looking): looks like those tires again..
Tonks: How'd YOU get them?
Harry: I don't have them - they're in your bed.
Tonks(grins suddenly): You've been learning how to play stupid from Remus, eh?
Harry: I don't know what you're talking about!
Tonks: Look, Harry - we're in the same bedroom - you sleep above me. It's not wise to go into a prank war on the opposite side of the person who sleeps below you.
Harry: What - I thought this was a battle of the sexes!
Tonks: hmm.... Ah - maybe you and Hermione can switch rooms!
Harry: Can we do that?
BigBrother: We never forbid it.
Harry: Ok! I'll ask her (hops down, heads out)
Tonks: heheh - AND YOU TELL SIRIUS AND REMUS THEY'D BETTER COME MOVE THIS!!!
But Lupin and Black are now going to the den. Lupin takes his place on the sofa, but Black heads straight for the infamous welsh dresser.
Lupin: Don't open that cabinet!
Black: Awww, you don't let me have any fun these days, Moony. (sits on couch) Well, we don't need alcohol to plan. But we must get rid of Snivellus.
Lupin: I thought this was about the tires.
Black: No, that's been taken care of. We must get rid of Snivellus.
Lupin: Then what will I read?
Black: (noise of exasperation) You can interact with the rest of us then.
Lupin(lowers voice): Don't we need a spy?
Black: He's not - (lowers voice further) you saw him with Voldemort yesterday - or didn't you? They took over the world - together.. .like old cronies. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he turns out to be some double agent-
Lupin: Albus trusts him.
Black: Albus is not infallible! he's made mistakes that I know of - and I've been out of the loop for a while too!
Lupin: I don't know what to believe-
Black: I think it should be clear - he's probably just been lying in wait all this time- he only joined Albus because he was saving his own neck!
Lupin: Funny you weren't around for that..
Black(takes Lupin by the shoulders, shakes): He Tried To KILL Us!!
Lupin: .. ah yes.. well, he did think we were guilty-
Black: KILL Us - without trial!
Lupin: ...vigilante?
Black: Now you're just arguing for the sake of arguing!
Lupin(guilty admission): yes, I am...
Black: It's no joking matter! I won't let you make excuses because you don't want to believe it - I know you're the master of self-deception! Look: think of it this way, I'll grant you that he doesn't play by the rules -- MORE reason to get rid of him, considering that he wants to see us dead! Even if he weren't a double agent, do you think he'd hesitate to "accidently" misfire an unforgivable at one of us?? NO!
Lupin(sigh): What do you suggest we do?
Black: ....he vetoed, so he wants to stay.. But if he didn't want to stay... You know, it'd be easy enough: we just make life miserable for him..
Lupin(eyes narrow): Haven't you done that enough before?
Black: What- are you with me on this or not??
Lupin: What's to say he's going to win veto power next time -- if it's even offered? Why don't we just let the chips fall where they may?
Black: Because I don't want them falling on my COFFIN! (jumps to his feet, storms out)
Lupin(lays back with sigh): Maybe he should have had a drink.
Meanwhile, Hermione heads into the kitchen; Draco is already there, of course. Without his father, he has no one to talk to, and in his infinite boredom he has discovered Seven Centuries of English Cooking: A Collection of Recipes. Now he is perusing the list of ingredients to some recipe and making sure they're all gathered on the counter.
Hermione(stops dead): Malfoy, are you COOKING?
Draco(insolently): Artichoke pie.
Hermione(scowls in distaste): that's disgusting!
Draco: What else are we going to do with all those artichokes Big Brother gave us?
Hermione(rolls eyes): No wonder Big Brother loves you - you use their artichokes.
Draco(proudly): No one better for the job.
Hermione(takes out cheese from fridge): Are you sure it's not below your dignity?
Draco: The Malfoys have been eating artichoke pie for many generations.... albeit, cooking them is a bit more recent.. But I like to think of it as empowering-
Hermione(looking in pantry now): Oh, really? I'll keep that in mind-
Draco: And just what are you doing, Granger?
Hermione: I'm getting a snack! Cheese and crackers-
Draco: You'll spoil your dinner-
Hermione: What do you care about that??
Draco(grumbles): ... unauthorized use of kitchen..
Hermione: what! this is NOT your kitchen! Don't worry, though, I'm leaving now! (takes her plate of cheese and crackers out, muttering along the way) .. honestly.. hair care products and artichoke pie.. nancy..!
Draco: I heard that, Mudblood!
(enter Snape through same door)
Snape: You've got Granger up in arms yet again...
Draco: I know. (smirks) It doesn't take much effort.
Snape(fixing glass of water): ... are you cooking, Mr. Malfoy...? (mutters) that explains it..
Draco: .. Don't tell the Dark Lord - if he thinks I'm feeling proactive today, he'll recruit me to go do something again.
Snape: You've done enough for one week... (strolls over to Malfoy, hands behind back, surveying as if they were in another potions class) ...artichoke pie...? If you're really concerned about Granger, then you'd better not give her any.. (notes Malfoy's confused expression) ...artichokes natural aphrodisiac...
Draco: wha-!?
Snape(continues out the opposite door): Thank you, Draco...
On the way out, Snape bumps into Voldemort, neatly splashing some water on them both.
Voldemort: Oh, watch where you're going - You don't own this house, you know!
Snape: ..not even the kitchen.
Voldemort: Not even...... Ahh, that was some victory yesterday, eh?
Snape: It was .. rather gratifying.
Voldemort: I thought you would nominate Black... (darkly) I was sure you'd nominate Black.. Yet there you go again, defying my expectations - what is one to think, Severus?
Snape: ..last minute change of plan.
Voldemort: Of course, nominating Potter was better - but I didn't see it coming..
Snape: A pleasant surprise, I hope?
Voldemort: He would have been my pick. I think it will play out well..And don't worry.. we'll get your Black..
(Suddenly a yell from the kitchen - followed by raucous laughter)
Draco: GET THOSE BLOODY TIRES OUT OF HERE!
Voldemort: first ice cream, now tires... I'm glad you're sticking around, Severus..