Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash"
Day 43, Wednesday, Eviction Day
Tonks wakes up. She rolls over, steps out of bed -- her foot lands in something gravelly.. She lifts it again - the gravel sticks -
Tonks: What the--? (looks down) AGHHHHH!! CAT LITTER!!! (brushes it off her feet; looks 'round room) Oh dear--- how long?? AHHH! (The entire floor is covered, 2 inches deep) CURSES!!! 11-10! (she takes off the pillow case cover and uses that to protect her feet as she moves around the room)
In the bathroom she finds the floor freshly spray painted - the same color it had been before, so that she doesn't noticed until she steps in it)
Tonks: THEY GOT THE SPRAY PAINT - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! (11-11 is writetn on the mirror) NO! EVIL THINGS COME IN THREES- MUST AVOID LAST PRANK!! (runs from bathroom; in the guy's bathroom she finds Black and Lupin snickering, shaving) YOU!!!
Black: Your feet!!
Lupin: I don't see any cat litter.
Tonks: Very funny, you two. It's still tied.
Breakfast: Lupin and Tonks cook again - Dumbledore has given up "being domestic." Draco graces the company with his presence.
Snape(pushing food around plate sullenly): Mushy.
Lupin: Albus, your burnt hash browns are in high demand.
Dumbledore: Sorry, Severus.
Draco: Today is eviction day.
Voldemort: You're not worried, dear child? Surely the audience won't abandon you at the first loss of hair? Look how well I've done, and I'm bald.
Draco(pensive): ....no...
Dumbledore(twinkling): Everyone's quiet today. Sirius.. this bodes ill.
Black(grins): Yes, it means disaster is looming..
Tonks: Is that so?
Black: You can't escape fate-
BigBrother: ATTENTION, HOUSEMATES! (Black and Tonks look up, alarmed) It is EVICTION DAY - Miss Tonks you have been voted off!!
Tonks: CURSES!
Black: That was not what I meant-
BigBrother: Get packing!
Tonks: Agh.. (jumps up, exits; Black pauses a moment before speaking)
Black: Too bad...
Lupin: It's for the best.... I mean - the squirrels would have died if we had to leave them in there for a whole week...
Black: ah hahahah-
Upstairs, Tonks lugs her suitcase out of the closet - opens it. 5 squirrels jump out, chattering and hungry
Tonks: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Breakfast table:
Black: HAHAHAHAH!
Lupin: (grins)
Dumbledore: ... isn't that... 12-11 in favor of us?
Draco: Well done.
Voldemort: I'd like to thank myself for lending you the cat litter. I knew it would come in handy at some point. Prescience, Severus...
Snape: ... clearly.
At the front door, Tonks pats Sirius on the shoulder.
Tonks: I have to hand it to you guys... The squirrels in the suitcase was just...... over the top. -- HOW DID YOU GET IN??
Black: Can be very quiet when necessary..
Tonks(sighs, shaking head): A marvelous comeback - I'm not in the least bit embarrassed to have a lost such a prank war.. Of course, if Hermione had been here..
Lupin: No, no - don't bring the poor girl into it. She left you with a big lead.
Tonks: (grins) I was distracted then.. my only excuse! Bye guys!!
Both: Goodbye!
Midday: Severus Snape follows his big, hooked nose into the kitchen, where Lupin is stirring some concoction at the stove and sprinkling a spice into it. Snape glides over to inspect, eyes narrowed as if he's directing another potions class. Lupin tenses unwillingly under the scrutiny.
Lupin: .. Good afternoon
Snape(hint of annoyance): What are you doing, Lupin?
Lupin: Cooking-
Snape: -is that broccoli cheese soup, or is it not?
Lupin: It is.. ?
Snape: Then why, may I inquire... are you sprinkling liberal amounts of chili powder into it?
Lupin: This isn't -- (uh oh, is it?) -- chili powder..? (looks at bottle in hand)
Snape: If you were too congested to smell the difference, couldn't you at least have read the label???
Lupin(embarrassed in spite of himself): It was red -- I thought paprika was the only red spice we had - I didn'-
Snape: -pay attention, clearly. You were never very good at potions, were you?
Lupin: If I'd have known we HAD any ch-- listen to me, getting mad.. (chuckles)
Snape(muses): .. less than a week, isn't it? How do you manage to take care of yourself, Lupin?
Lupin: All will be fine, I'm sure... (goes back to stirring) I didn't put that much in..
Snape(pulls spoon from drawer, tastes soup; smirks): If you couldn't smell before, you'll be able to after that.
Lupin: Oh, let me see (takes spoon, tastes; grimaces) Well... it's not as bad as Wolfsbane-
Snape: Wolfsbane is also not intended to be a nasal decongestant.
(Enter Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: Oh good - soup.
Lupin: I... it's a little spicy-
Dumbledore(sage glance to Snape): What's in it?
Snape(straight-faced): Chili powder.
Dumbledore(gets a spoon; tastes -pulls horrified face): I think.. (clears throat) I'm not particularly enamoured of spicy foods.. I'll have to pass.. (gets glass of water, sweeps out)
Lupin(shrugs; turns to Snape): You want to help me eat this?
Snape: (exasperated sigh)
Ten minutes later - they're sitting at the table, a box of tissues between them.
Snape(sniffles): I suppose I don't have to remind you that a mistake like this in a real potion could be deadly...
Lupin(blows nose): Yeah, I think this is deadly enough...
Meanwhile, Draco goes to Diary Room, armed with a handheld mirror. He sits and inspects his hair, which seems more uniform in its length and waywardness today.
Draco: (not looking up) You know, audience.. I could get used to this.. I still prefer the casual, romantic look, but short and trim will have to do for the time being. I could set a new trend: Neat, maintained hair that gives all the impression of belonging to a conscientious, clever, but carefree aristocrat. (mulls this over) Girls will like to feel its spiky softness. A walking paradox I shall be -- attractive, enigmatic, irresistible. (stands up decisively) Good! (sweeps out)
Voldemort is stretched across the couch NOT in the sun room, in the living room: Snape territory. He has finally given up and borrowed a book from the sullen potions master ("A Natural History of Magical Trees in Northern Europe and The British Isles"). He is asleep now, book open across his chest, Bertie curled in a ball at his side. Enter Snape, still sniffling from chili powdered broccoli cheese soup. He takes it in with a glance; strides over to Voldemort. Bertie looks up questioningly.
Snape: (clears throat)
Bertie: meh? (stands up, stretches, rubs head against Snape's hand)
Snape: Bertrum. ... Your master is sleeping.... on my sofa... with my book...
(Lupin happens past in the hall - "he's in trouble now!")
Snape: (sniffles)
But before Voldemort awakens, Draco enters with the mirror still in hand.
Draco(as if to open a conversation): Professor Snape. You're a fashion expert.
Snape(dead-pan): That almost made me laugh out loud, Draco.
Draco(in stride): And I'm sure you're in hysterics on the inside, but really - I need your opinion.
Snape: The hair.
Draco(sits primly): I know this may take a few moments. (waits)
Snape: I suppose you want encouragement.
Draco: I want an honest opinion, as long as it's encouraging.
Snape(no change in expression, simply watches, at length he speaks): .................Your hair.. is enviable. Many a witch or wizard would spend more than is healthy on potion ingredients just attempting to achieve that delicate shade of goldenrod. (Draco smiles baskingly in the attention) When long, your hair ..does not hang, it cascades gracefully, attracts healthy light, acts as a beacon for all who see.. When short, it springs to life, deepens its hues, impresses upon the onlooker that its owner is not to be crossed. The-
Voldemort(ironically, opens eye): Severus, have I ever told you you're absolutely full of shit?
Snape: Once, I believe.
Voldemort: Make that twice.
Draco(pout): Oh, now - I think what he says is perfectly true.
Voldemort(sits up suddenly, the book slides down): You LIKE it?
Draco(proudly): I'll admit, it did require drastic action to make me realize that short hair IS acceptable - if even, in this case, desirable... and I thank you for helping me to arrive at that epiphany.
Voldemort(closes eyes again): I did not chop your hair so that you could start a new fashion trend, my dear...
Draco: Yes, I understand. You wanted to curtail the Malfoy pride a hedge. Well I'll grant you that-
Voldemort(red eyes spring open again): YOU DO NOT BLACKMAIL THE DARK LORD!!
Draco(appropriately cowed): Well.. that too.
Snape: Speaking of which... were you going to read that book, or use it as a radiation shield?
Voldemort: I sense that you two have been feeling the effects of the cramped living quarters. I suggest you Go Outside and Do Something before the so-called "cabin fever" strikes us all down.....(lowers voice suddenly) And as for the Saturday nominations..Now is the time to reenact our attack on Albus. He is their weakest link.
Draco: Agreed.
Snape: ....... Fine.
Den:
Black: I donno - gotta watch Voldemor' -- hesssssss tricky
Lupin: The cat litter was good, though.
Black: yeaaa! (chuckles) Poor Tonkssdidnno wha' hi' her-
Lupin: You're - not going to finish that scotch, are you?
Black: You can ha'e it! (shoves the glass at Lupin)
Enter Dumbledore, he sits blithely on the sofa between the two
Dumbledore: Has your nose stopped running, Remus?
Lupin: Yes, actually... Only recently-
Dumbledore: I spotted Severus with a tissue just a few minutes ago..
Black: wittha' big nose! sure woul' ha'e one!
Dumbledore(smiles): It's time to let Tom go.
Lupin(incredulous): What??
Black: Ha- sssomushfor the ol' sage ac' (claps Dumbledore on the back approvingly)
Dumbledore(nods): It is time.
Lupin: We've been nominating him every week.
Dumbledore: perhaps I'll make a Diary Room appearance..
Black: tha' woul' be NOVEL!
Dumbledore(chuckles): Yes, Sirius. You're not going to drink that scotch?
Black(looks up, stops pouring himself another glass): no no thassfor you!
Dumbledore(leans back, more comfortable): Fine.