FALLEN
Tourniquet
"You know what your problem is, Sydney? You can't see anything behind your damn self-pity. You're so intent on playing the martyr and taking all the blame that you don't trust yourself. And because of that, I don't trust you either."
*I've tried to kill my pain but only brought more So much more*
Her words rang sharply in his head as if a high-pitched bell was being struck over and over again, reverberating though his skull. His headache grew, splitting down the center of his forehead and pulsing against his temples.
Such simple words put together. Who knew they'd unleash such chaos?
*I lay dying and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal*
"If you do this, you don't only betray me, Jarod and every truth we've found over the years, but you betray yourself, and everything you supposedly believe in."
Over two years ago she'd given him that speech, when they brought the boy from Donoterase. She rebelled strongly, just like her mother had, but whether it was to the actual project, or his involvement in it, he wasn't sure.
When she'd found out the true nature of his plan, she forgave him, apologized even, but never truly recovered. The trust she had in him he lost the moment he opened the door to the boy's cell. He never gained that back.
*I'm dying Praying Bleeding And Screaming Am I too lost to be saved Am I too lost?*
Truth was, he'd lost trust in himself as well. Not because of his words or actions, but because of his feelings. Because some small part of him didn't want to help the boy. Part of him wanted his protégé back, wanted to be oblivious and naive as he had when he'd first come to The Centre.
Now, he was willing to give his life to keep Jarod away from there. But the question was, what else was he willing to give? What gave him the right to sacrifice one for another? Who was he to play God and decide who lived and who died? Who was he to choose for others what they might not be able to choose for themselves?
*My God My Tourniquet Return to me salvation My God My Tourniquet Return to me salvation*
"You don't realize it yet Syd, but despite being the monster of your past, you're the salvation of your future."
It had to be the deepest thing she'd ever said to him and the only thing he'd ever had to ponder for long hours afterward.
The monster of his past. Definitely the right terminology, was his first thought. But how many times had there been where she'd told him he wasn't the monster? Why agree with him now?
*Do you remember me Lost for so long? Will you be on the other side or will you forget me?*
How many lives had he helped destroy?
"You couldn't have known, Jarod. I didn't even know."
"A wise man once said to me, 'Ignorance, is a poor excuse for murder'."
How many lives could he have saved if he'd looked them in the eye and fought back? But most importantly, how long would he continue to ponder, instead of do?
*I'm dying Praying Bleeding And Screaming Am I too lost to be saved Am I too lost?*
Was he lost? Had he clouded his own way, his own judgment just to block out the guilt he felt? Was he really salvation? Could he really save himself, and them, the two most important people in his life?
*My God My Tourniquet Return to me salvation My God My Tourniquet Return to me salvation*
Was he strong enough to take them both by the hand and guide them out of the darkness? Could he be redeemed as she'd said? And if he could, then what?
"If it's a question of God, I can't help you there. You'll have to take it up with him. But if it's a question of forgiveness. I think the only person you need to consult on that front is yourself."
*My wounds cry for the grave My soul cries for deliverance Will I be denied? Christ Tourniquet My suicide*
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