In Nashville, the People’s POTUS Elect gets into a fighting trim for his ongoing battle against the powerful forces practicing old school racist-sexist-anti-Semitic voter disenfranchisement in Florida, wearing an a sweatshirt he received while researching ozone depletion in Antarctica. In Austin, Governor Bush watched a brand new episode of Pokemon in his favorite "10 Reasons A Beer Is Better Than A Woman" T-shirt, you know, the green one that isn’t quite so tight in the gut.

As the most exciting Presidential election of this or any other century dragged on through it’s third nerve wracking day, the recount in the must-win state of Florida remained too close to call, denying both major candidates enough electoral votes to be declared the winner. The People’s Choice For POTUS, Vice President Al Gore (D-Mr. Popularity) returned with his family to Washington DC, reminding reporters that, as much as he’d like to hang out in Tennessee watching CNN’s wall to wall "Election 2000 Stalemate" coverage, he did, after all, have a day job. And a damn important one, too.

The universally despised Gore, who received more votes that any other Presidential candidate in history except Ronald Reagan, left behind not only a frustrated and deeply bewildered corporate media cess pool, but a rapidly shrinking mandate for Texas Governor George W. Bush (R-Poll Tax). Bush’s lead decreased from a high of 50,000 votes early Wednesday morning, right before the Vice President called Bush to congratulate him on his victory, to under 2,000 by the time Gore was safely off the phone and on his way to give his concession speech finally, which he didn’t, the big fat liar, to a lousy 327 votes after that stupid automatic recount thingie kicked in and they FINALLY stopped counting tonight, thank God.

While the results of the first recount should determine the real winner, because that dumb Gore guy still lost, the Democrats proved what big whiny cheaters they are by demanding a "hand recount" in four counties where the "indications of vote fraud" were "especially troubling" -- and helping some little nobody "voters" file law suits demanding a new vote in the effected counties! Well la-de-da. If that wasn’t bad enough, they are "investigating" other "irregularities" charged by petty Real People who don’t understand the really tight time table that Governor Bush is working with on this whole setting up the Cabinet thing, like those lousy 100,000 ballots that were disqualified because some stupid voter had not punched a hole in a way that the computer vote counters could process, and those 19,000 so-called butterfly ballots that were disqualified because some stupid voter had punched both the holes next to the words "Gore/Lieberman" in a futile attempt to express something, we’re not exactly sure what, and the nearly 10,000 Gore votes that were lost to an extremely convenient computer glitch that assigned them to a Socialist candidate, and the at least 3,000 Gore votes cast on "confusing and illegal" ballots that suckered Gore voters into casting their votes for Pat Buchanan, and the thousands of African-Americans who were turned away from the polls by extremely helpful Florida State Troopers, and another 16,000 Gore votes that just... disappeared in Volusia County. I mean, come on! Have you ever seen a more blatant attempt by the Democrats to subvert the People's Will??

Now I ask you, what's the big deal?
It's just your typical Florida election for crying out loud.

The family that commits felonies together, stays together! Former President George H. W. Bush (R-Traitor), his oldest and drunkest son, Republican Presidential Candidate Texas Governor George W. Bush (R-Serial Killer) and the former President’s younger son, Florida Governor Jeb No Initials Please I’m The Folksy One Bush (R-Embezzler) share a warm, family moment as Jeb puts the fix in, cheerily demanding Florida’s partisan election officials deliver the state to his brother or get sent back to Cuba on a cement life raft. Beside him, George W. studies CNN’s electoral map, marveling at all the pretty colors.	Voter fraud, Schmoter fraud! Former Secretary of State James Baker III (R-Rent-a-weasel) proves you’re never too old to sell your soul to Satan by claiming that upholding Governor Bush’s apparent 600 vote Florida win was more important than investigating the hundreds of thousands of suspected cases of voter fraud in the Sunshine State. Especially contemptuous of thousands of Gore supporters who claimed they had been duped into marking their ballots for Pat Buchanan (Fascist-Fascist), Baker snarled. "Hey, you got to vote, okay? Enjoy it while you can." Behind Baker, an unidentified Green supporter proves that, contrary to popular opinion, they do in fact have a sense of humor.
What’s 20,000 votes between friends? Whiny cry baby type Real People in Palm Beach County get their collective underwear in a bunch just because at least 19,000 of their ballots were disqualified for extremely important, technical reasons like one corner was slightly bent or they forgot to vote for Buchanan or something. An uppity State Legislator whips these class warfare activists into a frenzy. In my day, we just would have broken out the fire hoses.	Yet another reason to defund public schools More of the same bunch of Palm Beach County losers line up to sign a "petition" to ask for a "revote" in their county. The damn Democrats have helped these idiots file a lawsuit "demanding their civil rights". They should know these people don’t get civil rights in Florida! I mean, they don’t exactly look Republican, if you get me.
A kinder, gentler civil war Texas Governor George W. Bush’s fulfills his promise to end partisanship in American political life, uniting Florida Republicans and Democrats in much the same way he previously united the Democrats and the Greens.	Laura, did you count the silverware? Oh great! Like we need Jesse Jackson sticking his nose in that whole "we’re only got ballots left for white people" thing or the "Florida State Troopers set up roadblocks outside the polling booths with their lights flashing and ticketed any colored folks dumb enough to try to vote" thing. Now he’s asking Janet Reno to bring her jackbooted thugs down here to "investigate possible civil rights abuses"! Next they’ll be demanding we enforce their damn anti-slavery laws! These sorts of things are best left up to the states, don’t you agree?
Get a job! Hundreds of grubby Florida A&M students stage a "sit in" (that’s so 20th Century!) in the State Capital rotunda to "protest" the fact they have always had a place to vote on their campus -- until this election. When the students went to vote on Tuesday, they were told that they had to go to another precinct to vote. When they arrived at the designated polling place, they were told that they were not registered in that precinct and were turned away -- in the end, the students were not allowed to vote anywhere. Duh! Just look at them, would you?	Houston, we have a problem Outside the official residence of Texas Governor George W. Bush, Gore supporters protest voter fraud in the Florida election. Hmm... Democrats. In Texas. Looks like a job for the Texas Rangers, don’t it?

The Fine Folks At Occidental Petroleum Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guys.
Or Else They'll Steal Florida Right Out From Under The Smart Guy. Not Like There's Anything Fishy About That. Or Illegal. Nope. Nothing.