Dateline: October 2, 2000
RUMORS FLY: WHO WILL REPLACE CHENEY?
(Toto, I have a feeling we’re not on Madison Avenue anymore/AP)
Former Senator Bob Dole here. Look, let’s talk turkey straight out of the gate. From the moment George W. Bush steps on stage tomorrow night, he’s going to look like an A-Number One World Class Boob. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it. Maybe his handlers think it’ll be a Major Bush Victory if he gets through it without one of his unbelievably asinine flubs like "We've got to make the pie higher" – Just what the Hell is that supposed to mean, anyway? -- but the American voters are just not that stupid. They’re close, but they’re not THAT stupid.
I’ve heard some of the other guys in the Party want to hang this monumental screw up on Cheney, then dump him for Colin Powell or John McCain. I’m here to say "Fat Chance". Powell wouldn’t call 911 of George W. was on fire. And as for McCain, don’t make me laugh. Ever since George W. cut him off at the kneecaps, he hasn't exactly been a team player. Or if he is, he’s not playing on our side. Face it guys, nobody's stupid enough to tie themselves onto Bush's coat tails. Even without Cheney, George W. is going down and it's going to be ugly. If the GOP ever wants to run anybody from the Bush family ever again, we need a Fall Guy. One that spells "disaster" even worse than Dick Cheney.
With this damn actors’ strike I’m not making a red cent. So I figured, what the Hell? Why not volunteer to be George W.’s new running mate. Last time I got stomped by the Democrats, I picked up a ton of sweet endorsements. And it’s not like I have a political career left to destroy or anything. So here’s a couple ideas the fellows in the graphics department came up with. They’re not great, but what do you want on such short notice?
#1. This one highlights my military record, but if you were dumb enough you could think it was talking about George W. And that's Bush's core demographic that we've got to hang onto, gentleman -- the "Dumb As A Box Of Hair" set.
#2. That little punk Dan Quayle is a total joke, so why not play to that strength while we're at it?
#3. For my money, this one just kind of says it all.
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Remember my motto: "Bob Dole -- He Can Be Bought!"
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Well, anyway. There’s my offer. Take it or leave it.
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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