Dateline: September 30, 2000
STOLEN DEBATE TAPE CONTENT REVEALED!
A Daily Flapdoodle Exclusive
(Deep In The Heart Of Texas/AP)
|
|
Governor Bush is said to be studying his father's debates in the hopes of capturing the former President's warm, empathetic style.
| |
Complaining "What good is disinformation if it doesn’t reach the public" today key loose cannons in the Justice department released copies of the infamous Bush debate prep tape that was so mysteriously mailed from Texas Governor George W. Bush’s (R-Edsel) campaign headquarters to "Vice" President (Al) Gore’s (D-Tucker) camp last week. The tape shows Governor Bush practicing his formidable debate skills with his mock debate partner New Hampshire Governor Judd Gregg (R-Major League Suck Up). As a public service to voters who don’t have time to interrupt their busy baseball viewing schedules to become involved in the process of Democracy, the Daily Flapdoodle offers the following exciting excepts of the transcript of the infamous "Tapegate" tape:
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EXCEPTS OF THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE TAPEGATE TAPE
The first section is titled "Warm Up Drill". It appears to show Governor Bush preparing for general questions. It includes the following four sections:
1.) Governor Bush and Governor Gregg endlessly shouting "Am not!" and "Are too!".
2.) Governor Bush shouting "Ow!! Stay on your own side!" when told the camera is on the moderator.
3.) Governor Bush making loud "snoring" noises when told the camera is on the Vice President.
4.) Governor Bush smiling when told that the Vice President has just finished speaking, while Governor Gregg shouts "Make The Smirk Work For You".
The second section is titled "Change Up Drill". In it, Governor Bush appears to practice rebutting parts of the Vice President’s energy and environmental policies. It contains the following six "sound bytes":
1.) "What does it say about our the state of morality in our country if we’re willing to put a bunch of stupid caribou ahead of corporate greed? I mean, come on! Caribou can’t even vote!"
2.) "Breathing is overrated."
3.) "If people in New England have a heating oil shortage this winter, I say let them die and decrease the surplus population."
4.) "La la la la la la – I can’t HEAR you!!"
5.) "Hey, Earth to Neptune! Yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Spock. The American people don’t want solar powered houses and hydrogen powered cars. They want free money! Geez, what an idiot!"
6.) "Oh, like there’s something wrong with selling your soul to Satan!"
The third section is titled "Psych-Out Drill". In it, Governor Bush appears to be practicing remarks intended to rattle the Vice President during commercial breaks. (As an interesting sidebar, commercials traditionally have not been permitted during Presidential debates.) It includes the following five "sound bytes":
1.) "Watch your step, Treeboy. I know where you live."
2.) "As soon as I win, I’ll invite you to spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom. NOT!"
3.) "Hey, did you see that story about the polar ice caps melting? It sounds like the future of the entire planet depends on your beating me tonight. Man. I’d hate to be under that kind of pressure!"
4.) "I wouldn’t worry about Tipper. I’m sure she and Bill are around here somewhere."
5.) "My Dad can beat up your Dad."
|
|
Governor Bush is told he can't play outside anymore, it's time for debate practice.
| |
The final section of the tape is titled "Home Run Drill". In it, Governor Bush appears to practice seven different "one liners" that he will chose from for his final "sound byte" of the debate:
1.) "I knew Dan Quayle. I worked with Dan Quayle. And Mr. Vice President, you’re no Dan Quayle."
2.) "Why did we go into Iraq if we didn’t go in to win?"
3.) "And frankly, I just don’t think the country is ready for a president who performs ritual animal sacrifices on baby seals."
4.) "If you don’t like my position on any issue, call the 800 number on your screen and ask to speak to a Corporate Donation Counselor. Trained operators are standing by."
5.) "The presidency is not a popularity contest. And I stand here tonight as my own man."
6.) "BUDDHIST TEMPLE! BUDDHIST TEMPLE!! BUDDHIST TEMPLE!!!"
7.) "Lieberman… that’s a Jewish name, isn’t it?"
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
Read yesterday's Flapdoodle!
Read tomorrow's Flapdoodle!
Talk To The Possum!
Return To Possum County!
