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THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
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Dateline: October 4, 2000
IT'S UNANIMOUS! BUSH WINS FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
(The Reichministry of Propaganda/UPI)

While measly little nobody voters and debate coaches may labor under the delusion that "Vice" President "Al" Gore (D-Godzilla) opened a can of wupp-ass last night on his principle opponent, Texas Governor George W. Bush (R-Bambi), those of us in the corporate media know better. Keeping score and holding grudges, it was appallingly obvious to us that "Vice" President Gore was lying through his teeth from the get go. In token fairness, we do have to admit that Governor Bush made one extremely minor misstatement last night. Or maybe two. But then again, we weren't really paying that much attention. But why dwell on the candidates or their actual positions? Talk about a snoozefest! Let's ask the typical white middle class heterosexual man in the suburban street what he made of last night's debate.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE TRANSCRIPTS OF OUR POST DEBATE INTERVIEWETTES WITH UNDECIDED YET HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTERS:

HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTER #1: "Gore talkeded too much. He useded too much numbers. Gore makes my brain hurt. I like Gubnor Bush. He am funny. An real prezdenshul. I liked Gubnor Bush way more after last night."
PREVIOUSLY LEANING: That Pinko-Commie Tree-Hugger Gore.
NOW DECIDED: Bush.

HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTER #2: "Gore kept yammering on about 'in Bush's tax cut proposal, the wealthiest 1% get half of the kickback'. Is that supposed to be a problem or something? And I don't have any Jacuzzis, alright???"
PREVIOUSLY LEANING: That Pinko-Commie Tree-Hugger Gore.
NOW DECIDED: Bush.

HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTER #3: "Hey, moneybags! Remember me? Bob Dole don't scab on anybody until somebody signs this check. Capeesh?"

HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTER #4: "Al Gore is a monster. He needs to be stopped. The way he keeps attacking people by throwing their voting records back in their faces is just indefensible. He's an evil, evil man."
PREVIOUSLY LEANING: Bradley.
NOW DECIDED: Bradley.

HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTER #5: "I was terrifically impressed with the Governor's smear campaign last night. However, I think Bush made a huge tactical blunder when he said 'We need an Attorney General who will enforce the laws'. Trust me. That's the kind of thing that can turn right around and bite you in the ass."
PREVIOUSLY LEANING: That Pinko-Commie Tree-Hugger Gore.
NOW DECIDED: Bush.

HIGHLY UNLIKELY VOTER #6: "Some people say Gore is boring and unlikable. Other people say he's a damn robot. Some people say he staged those annoyed sighs last night, just like he staged that lip lock with his Misses. Me personally, I didn't mind the sighing. It was him muttering 'What a dickweed!' under his breath that I couldn't stomach. I just don't think cussing is very presidential. I want somebody who'll bring back dignity to the White House -- and that's why I'm voting Bush Lite! When you think 'Reformer With Results', think 'Bush Lite'"!
PREVIOUSLY LEANING: That Pinko-Commie Tree-Hugger Gore.
NOW DECIDED: Bush Lite -- Now With Twice The Gravitas!

The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.

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