The Daily Flapdoodle

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THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
Serving America - One Possum At A Time!

Dateline: October 12, 2000
From the October 11th Presidential Debate:

VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I got some of the details wrong last week in some of the examples that I used, Jim. And I'm sorry about that. And I'm going to try to do better. One of the reasons I regret is that it -- getting a detail wrong interfered several times with a point that I was trying to make.

However many days that young girl in Florida stood in her classroom however long, even if it was only one day, doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of overcrowded classrooms in America, and we need to do something about that.

There are seniors who pay more for their prescriptions than a lot of other people, more than their pets sometimes, more sometimes than people in foreign countries. And we need to do something about that. Not with a measure that leaves the majority of them without any real basic health until the next president's term of four years is over, but right away. And that means doing it under the Medicare program.

I can't promise that I will never get another detail wrong. I can promise you that I will try not to anymore. But I will promise you this, with all the confidence in -- in my heart and in the world, that I will do my best, if I'm elected president, I'll work my heart out, to get the big things right for the American people.

LEHRER: Does that resolve the issue, Governor?

GOVERNOR BUSH: That's going to be up to the people, isn't it?

LEHRER: Does it resolve it for you?

GOVERNOR BUSH: It depends on what he says in the future in the campaign.

Yes, color none of us shocked, Government funded serial killer and Republican Presidential candidate Texas Governor George W. Bush (R-Flesh Eating Virus) refused to act like a grown up when Vice President Gore (D-One Of The Better Angels Of Our Nature) apologized on national television as if Gore were responsible for his own character assassination. And has this extremely generous gesture satisfied the hyenas of the Corporate Press? Just ask Margaret Carlson, hands-down winner of The Daily Flapdoodle’s "Major League Asshole Of The Month" award:

CARLSON: Gore's fabrications may be inconsequential -- I mean, they're about his life. Bush's fabrications are about our life, and what he's going to do. Bush's should matter more but they don't, because Gore's we can disprove right here and now. We can't disprove that there's going to be a chicken in every pot... You can actually disprove some of what Bush is saying if you really get in the weeds and get out your calculator or you look at his record in Texas. But it's really easy, and it's fun, to disprove Gore... I actually happen to know people who need government and so they would care more about the programs, and more about the things we kind of make fun of… But as sport, and as our enterprise, Gore coming up with another whopper is greatly entertaining to us. And we can disprove it in a way we can't disprove these other things. [Carlson's emphasis]

Is anybody surprised? The fifth column in the fourth estate aren’t risking Our Democracy because they have a hidden political agenda (yeah, right). They’re doing it because they’re too God damn lazy to do the job they are criminally overpaid for - - and because it’s "fun" to destroy the reputation of a man who the whole world may soon need to negotiate the end of a bloody Middle Eastern war. If we’re lucky, maybe they’ll succeed in making Gore too hysterical to vote for, and The Hard Right’s favorite Coke Snortin', Draft Dodgin', Granny Killer For Christ will get to wear the big Commander In Chief hat. Don’t worry, Satan will do all the thinking for him. Unless the pressure gets to his ticker first.

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF THE CORPORATE MEDIA HAD TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS (BUT WE DIDN’T)?
(This is an interactive page! Hum the "Twilight Zone" theme song here!)

WHAT IF AL GORE WAS REPLACED BY HIS EVIL DOUBLE FROM AN ALTERNATE, YET COMPASSIONATELY CONSERVATIVE UNIVERSE??
(Keep humming!)

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Dateline: October 31, 2001
FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! PRESIDENT ALBERT GORE JUNIOR’S EVIL DOUBLE FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE'S ILLUSTRATED POLICY BOOK OF PAYING BACK THE CORPORATE MEDIA, BIG TIME

Here I brutally ignore the Press Corps pathetic pleas for mercy. In case there are any doubts, I shout "Parse this, Cable Boy!" at Wolf Blitzer.
Hello there, wonderfully diverse members of that truly American group I have often refered to as "The People, Not The Powerful". It is I, Your Duly Elected President Albert Gore Junior’s Evil Double from a completely plausible -- at least it has been widely accepted as a science fiction plot device since sometime during the Eisenhower Administration -- alternate, yet Compassionately Conservative universe.

This photograph is a record of me taken approximately 45 minutes ago, upon my entering the West Wing of the White House, which is where my wife Tipper and I currently both live and work. After this photograph was taken, I completed the preliminary experiments on de-fluoridating the drinking water that only Corporate Journalists use. Unfortunately, this line of research, while yielding many promising results, has proved to be more expensive than originally anticipated, and has caused my Administration to rethink a few of our Nation's fiscal priorities. Now let me explain why this is significant, and how it will impact the shallow, meaninglessly lives of the Corporate Press in a real, and I think significantly harmful way.

In this photo I have called a Press Conference to announce my new plan to have the Washington Post invade Russia without tactical support. They have five minutes to subdue the country or face a firing squad. You should have seen the looks on their faces!
Starting in approximately ten minutes, every member of the Corporate Press Elite, be they traditional print and/or magazine journalists, television’s so-called "talking heads" or even cyber-journalists, working in the exciting new field of Internet publishing, will be subjected to an IRS audit utilizing a level of intrusiveness that has not been seen on this planet since the Spanish Inquisition. Based on preliminary estimates from the General Accounting Office, I think I can promise the American people with a fair degree of certainty that those pigs will emerge from this humiliating ordeal not simply penniless, but owing the Government more than they can ever possibly hope to make in the rest of their working lives. I suppose I could call off the audit at the last minute, but it’s just fun to destroy the only thing they have ever cared about in this world.

Here I asked Tipper if she wanted me to pick up some groceries, including that special Veterinarian approved senior formula dog food for Daisy, on my way home. She said yes.
I’m sure you all know this is Tipper, my soulmate and partner in life for over thirty-one years now. You know, hardly a day goes by when I don’t give thanks for Tipper, which is something we do in my Faith Tradition. Tipper’s been such a wonderful mother to our four beautiful children, a fantastic grandmother to our precious little grandbaby Wyatt, as well as an inspirational leader in the fight to treat mental illness like any other disease that strikes any other part of the body, but if the market goes up another two points, I’m selling her for medical experiments. I need the money for the final stage of my revenge on the Corporate Media. Make me an offer.

I can be reached at my new website:
www.presidentalbertgorejuniorsevildoublefromanalternateuniverse.com.

That’s:
www.presidentalbertgorejuniorsevildoublefromanalternateuniverse.com.

Cell phones are not only evil, they're so 20th Century!
Recently there has been a great deal of controversy over whether cell phones are harmful, if not carcinogenic. In this photo, I give a free cell phone to every member of the Washington Times, the Boston Globe, Fox News and other such disreputable organizations. Meet the Press comes to mind. Now, here’s where our policy of fiscal responsibility paid off. In order to pay for these tools of Satan, I did not need to raid the ironclad lock-box containing the Social Security Trust Fund, which the opposition is always urging us to spend. Instead, we paid for them with the money we got from selling Texas to Japan. This sale will greatly benefit us all, since Texas has been a major pain pretty much since the day that first Conastoga load of gun waving, racist Yahoos stumbled drunkenly into that God-forsaken stretch of nothing and promptly stole it from Mexico -- who, incidentally we tried to return Texas to first, but the Mexican Government said they would not take Texas back no matter how much we paid them. However, in order to reduce the cost to our Government, on the Federal, State and local levels, of replacing our current flag, the beloved symbol of Our Democracy, with another flag that would contain only 49 stars, I have just signed an Executive Order making the combined territories of Washington D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam and Saipan our new 50th state, with all the rights and responsibilities that entails. And, as an added benefit, this change in state composition makes it virtually impossible for the Republicans to ever win an electoral majority. This practice has traditionally been called "Gerrymandering", which is pretty much universally agreed to be a very bad, well, a pretty terrible thing. Now, the real President Albert Gore Junior would never be involved in such underhanded, devious politics, but you should keep in mind that I am merely his evil double from an alternate universe and should be thought of as such at all times.

Tipper and I share a laugh as the Secret Service carries out my order to perform an illegal strip search on Tim Russert.
Once the members of the Corporate Media have been provided with the cell phones of agony, the 101st Airborne division will parachute those Weasel Kings onto what’s left of the Antarctic ice fields. If they survive what are certainly the harshest climatic conditions known to human kind, they can gather data on the state of the giant hole in the ozone layer down there, specifically whether or not our newly implimented pollution reduction efforts to reduce the size of that rather large hole in the ozone have been successful, which I believe with all my heart they will be and all scientific evidence suggests, and if so, how successful, and report back to us here in the United States, using the cell phones of agony, as I said. I feel that six or seven years of this rigorous, ecologically sound form of "tough love" will give any surviving member of the Corporate Media Elite a chance to look deep into their hearts, and finally learn what is truly important in life - - family, community, personal integrity, and whatever the major tenants of their particular Faith Tradition may be, or not, if they have so chosen not to observe a Faith Tradition or were raised without a Faith Tradition as such.

If not, it’ll still be a total hoot!

Unfortunately, a lot of things that happened today were not funny at all.

Don't forget to visit "Gore-in-context", your one stop shop for debunking urban legends about Vice President Gore!	Have you volunteered to help get out the vote yet? If not, here's why you should.
Click here for your October Surprise Update!	I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Going To Take It Any More

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