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THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE Serving America - One Possum At A Time! NO!! I WANT THE OLD JOKES!!! NOW!!!! Just who's in charge here, anyway?

Vice President Gore updates reporters on the status of the U.S.S. Cole and its crew before returning to the White House for a series of top secret security briefings.

For the second day in a row, the threat of a Middle Eastern war and continued terrorist attacks against U.S. troops cut short Vice President Al Gore’s (D-The Only Person In The World Able To Hit The Ground Running Next January) campaigning, abandoning the hotly contested "battleground" states to attend urgent National Security Council meetings with President Clinton, Secretary of State Madeline Albright and Defense Secretary William Cohen.

Prior to being called back to Washington, the Vice President spoke to a Cedar Rapids, Iowa rally: ``This is a time of great tension. It is a time when our country's leadership is needed. And, as a nation, we're going to stand together and do everything we can to promote peace and security.''

When woken from his nap for comment, Republican Presidential Candidate Texas Governor George W. Bush (R-Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill!) complained Gore is squandering what may be America’s last opportunity this year to plunge into "a winnable nuclear holocaust! Let’s get ready to rumble!!"*

Governor Bush shows his readiness to accept the awesome responsiblities of President by doing his world famous impression of Jerry Lewis and/or Frankenstein falling down drunk.

"We look upon a war, even a boring old conventional war, as a tremendous blessing," Bush's foxiest rent-a-brain Condoleeza Rice (not to be confused with the oil tanker of the same name), who has recently been mysteriously absent from the Governor’s campaign, emailed from an undisclosed location. "Governor Bush has always felt more at home with foreign policy than all that domestic stuff, anyway. After all, Texas is practically a foreign country, or as close as you can get to a foreign country without actually going to a smelly old foreign country full of smelly old foreigners. Besides, war is so totally essential to our economic policy. If we don’t have wars, the most expensive military hardware just does not depreciate fast enough to justify the massive amount of pork we plan to shovel to our dear friends in the defense industry. "

Do I want America in a potentially endless Middle Eastern war that will jack up oil profits to an obscene level? Duh! I'm Satan!

Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Richard "Dickweed" Cheney (R-The Seventh Circle Of Hell, or Casper Wyoming, whatever I need to get on the damn ticket, and I don’t have a Jacuzzi at either place, alright???) agreed with relish. "I think Real Men are sick and tired of being lead to slaughter by a Commander In Chief they can’t respect. They want the totally new policies George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would bring to the job. Everywhere I go that people do not run away in terror for their immortal souls (which is pretty much limited to Idaho anymore) our gallant service men and women tell me they’re sick and tired of not being cannon fodder for an outdated foreign policy dictated by corporate greed which keeps America super-dependent on foreign oil without even trying to develop alternative fuels, and that they’re all itching to serve two gutless Vietnam Era Draft Dodgers without an atom’s worth of heart between them, rather than that dumb Gore guy, who was stupid enough to volunteer for Vietnam just because "it was the right thing to do" and served his entire tour of duty in a war zone. You will believe everything I say. You will write everything I say. You will only publish polls that seem to prove the American people agree with my spin."

I don't know what Governor Bush is doing in the picture, but Real Men are suddenly having Real Doubts about him.

The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.