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THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
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NO!! I WANT THE OLD JOKES!!! NOW!!!!

Just who's in charge here, anyway?

Dateline: October 16, 2000
FOR KIDS ONLY! GOVERNOR BUSH’S GREAT BIG PICTURE BOOK OF THIS TOTALLY DUMB ELECTION
(Waist Deep In The Big Muddy And The Big Fool Said To Push On/Reuters)

(Note: Today’s column was written by our extra-special correspondent Texas Governor George W. Bush, and translated into English by a team of the nation’s crack forensic linguists at M.I.T.)

Karl says now I have to be first in way more states to be President! Becoming President is way too hard!
Oo-ee. Don’t mess with Texas.

Hello there, Real People. It is I, Texas Governor George W. Bush. I run for President. See me run. Run, W., run. This is what happened to me today. Don’t worry. I have a lot of pictures. The pictures tell my story.

Today I am way madder and way unhappier. Why? This way dumb election! It makes me so mad!

Today Karl says watch TV. I am happy. I like TV. Today is Monday. Pokemon is on TV Monday! But Karl turns the TV on. The TV does not have Pokemon. The TV has that dumb Gore guy talking to assholes in Detroit! I tell Karl I don’t like Detroit. I tell Karl everybody looks like that colored gal, Oprah. I tell Karl Detroit has no crab cakes. Karl says sit down and shut up. Karl says watch TV. This is what Karl made me watch!

Detroit scares me. Everybody looks like Oprah. I pack heat when I go to Detroit. That dumb Gore guy doesn't pack heat at all. How dumb is that!
Vice President Gore: "This is a close race. It’s close here, it’s close nationwide. Even up. So don’t let anybody tell you what you do and what you say will not determine the outcome. You personally might very well make the difference.... When you leave this place, I want you to think long and hard about what you personally will say to one of your neighbors or one of your friends who, in an idle moment says: "I’m not sure who I’m going to vote for, what do you think?"... I don’t want you to just say ‘Vote for Al Gore’. I want you to arm yourselves with the arguments about these issues that we’ve discussed here. Take some time to tell them that prosperity itself is on the ballot this fall. Prosperity itself is at stake in this election. Jobs are at stake. Families are at stake. Health care, our schools, the environment - - they’re at stake. Social Security is on the ballot this fall. Medicare is on the ballot this fall. Prescription drugs are on the ballot this fall. Civil Rights are on the ballot this fall... We need you -- not only to give them your choice and to give them the reason -- give them your passion. If anybody is cynical, if anybody says it doesn’t make a difference who wins, it doesn’t make a difference which agenda governs us over the next four years, it doesn’t make a difference the direction we take, I want you to tell them – ‘Wait a minute! I know for a fact that it makes a difference.’" Detroit, 10/13/00

Karl says I cannot kill anyone until after the election. Karl says hushing up one driver's license is enough. What a total gyp!
Did you see how totally way boring that was? Did you see that dumb Gore guy says "think"! Did you see that dumb Gore guy says "think hard"! I tell Karl that dumb Gore guy is such a complete and total brain. I tell Karl when I am President I will have a list just for that dumb Gore guy. It will be my way longest list.

Karl gets totally way mad.

Karl says I will not be President unless I beat that dumb Gore guy! Karl says it is way worse than a tie! Karl says I need to win way more states! Karl says I need to win way more big states that are not Texas! Karl says I need to talk way more like that dumb Gore guy to win! Karl says I may not even beat that dumb Gore guy!

I tell Karl why?

This Real Person asked me why am I such a fucking idiot. Before I was nice, I would have had the Texas Rangers rough her up. Being nice sucks.
Karl says the media is finally onto us.

Karl says we are in deep do-do.

Karl says I was way too mean to colored people.

I tell Karl that is so dumb. I tell Karl I don’t even know any colored people. Karl says where’s Condaleeza? I tell Karl Daddy told me that colored people are not allowed in my house. I tell Karl Daddy showed me the paper and everything. I tell Karl I fired her last week. Now Karl is way mad. Now Karl grabs my shirt. It hurts! Now Karl yells at me. Now Karl says get her back now, you pathetic moron inbred Nazi crackhead.


Today I decide for sure. Karl is on the way top of my list.


Karl says now that the press is onto us, I have to be way nice to broads and colored people and pansy-assed fruits, the way that dumb Gore guy is nice to bimbos and darkies and biological deviants. I cannot just be nice to my Arab-American friends so that those ragheads will make that dumb Lieberman guy look bad. I have to be way nice to everybody.

What a complete and total gyp!

This is my list. See how much way longer it got since I started being nice?
Now I am being a nice person. Be nice, W. , be nice. I have learned a lot about nice people. Here is what I have learned about nice people:

1.) Nice people don't hang out with my way cool boss, Satan.
2.) Nice people don’t go to Mexico to pick up cheap crack and whores.
3.) Nice people don’t execute prisoners unless they did something bad.
4.) Nice people say "Be nice to trees" and "Be nice to caribou".
5.) Nice people don’t get kickbacks from Halliburton.
6.) Nice people don’t start civil wars in Israel.
7.) Nice people study for Presidential debates and kiss their own wives.
8.) Nice people are way totally boring.

My Daddy never had to be nice to become President. It makes me even way madder when I remember that.

I do not think I will be a nice person very long.


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I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Going To Take It Any More



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