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FROM CLIP OF A HIGHLIGHT OF THE ABRIDGED VIDEO TAPE OF THE DEBATE:

RUSSERT: Governor Bush, given the present Administration’s bungling of the current Arab-Israeli conflict, do you think we should impeach Vice President Gore now, and save the American tax payers the enormous cost of a general election?

BUSH: (SNORT!!) Hello Real Peoplez, an hello Tim. It am I, Texas Gubner George W. Bush, answerin this hyar questiation. (HONK!!!) Am we on quezelshun six or four?

RUSSERT: Question number 18, Governor.

BUSH: (SNORT!!) Oh, hyar am it bein! It sez... it sez... lemme see... it sez... oh, it sez hyar "He am such a total brain. But two plus two am five. Things fall up. Evurbudy knowed that." (HONK!! SNORT!!!)

RUSSERT: Number eighteen, Governor. On the back of the page.

BUSH: I don’t... you sure it am where you... ?

RUSSERT: On the back -- just, just flip it over, that’s right.

BUSH: Oh! (SNORT!!) It sez... um... it sez "Yes".

RUSSERT: Vice President Gore, you have two minutes for rebuttal.

BUSH: (SNORT!!)

GORE: Gosh Tim, Gubnor Bush am so right, I gots no argaments agin what he has done gone said, an I is bein such a total brain!

BUSH: (SNORT!!)

My Dad used to get this same look on his face right before he'd ground me. What a bummer!

RUSH: Well Rich, I think you have to concede that Bush won that round. He was awake, seemed to be communicating in a language somehow related to English and made absolutely no factual errors.

RICH: That’s true, but I think it would have been a tie if Gore hadn’t shot himself in the foot with that aggressive, vicious personality of his.

RUSH: I can’t agree about the tie, but I will agree that the last thing the American people want is a President who cares enough about the job to get emotionally involved.

RICH: Well, that’s always been Gore’s problem and I’ve belabored this point for the past quarter century. He’s just way too emotional. By the way, I think we should congratulate Tim Russert on the splendid job he did, stepping in at the last minute for Jim Lehrer, who is so suddenly and mysteriously missing today, just like Condaleeza Rice.

RUSH: Yes, I agree, and it’s not just because I’m hitting him up for a job later. But let’s get back to Governor Bush’s impressive victory. Your thoughts on Gore’s biggest mistake of the night?

RICH: Ooooo, that’s a tough one. There’s so much to choose from. I’d have to think it would have to be near the end of the debate, when Gore totally fumbled the character issue question.

RUSH: Oh, good choice! Let’s go to the tape!

FROM CLIP OF A HIGHLIGHT OF THE ABRIDGED VIDEO TAPE OF THE DEBATE:

RUSSERT: Vice President Gore, so much of this campaign has concerned questions of character. So I have to ask, have you stopped beating your wife yet?

BUSH: (SNORT!! HONK!!)

GORE: Well Tim, even though I iz such a total brain, I gots to say "No" to –

SECOND GORE: (entering the stage from a door in the back) What’s with all the cops outside? I barely got in the build... (looking around) What in the Hell is going on in here?

BUSH: We iz... um... pracatising. (SNORT!!)

SECOND GORE: This is supposed to be me? This cardboard cut out of Stalin - - with a "For Sale" sign slapped on it??

KARL ROVE: (Entering quickly) It’s not our fault you’re not popular enough to have an Al Gore cardboard cut-out for sale at "Aaahs".

BUSH: (HONK!!)

SECOND GORE: Karl. What a surprise. You know, this doesn’t even pass the laugh test.

BUSH: (HONK-A-SNORT!!!)

KARL ROVE: (Directly to the camera) What could you possibly mean, Mr. Vice President, who is suddenly and quite to our surprise in the middle of our super-secret debate practice, something that may strike the American people as a serious ethics violation, but what’s one more, right?

BUSH: (SNORT!!)

If Gore wins, these kinds of punk kids will sit next to you on the subway. You've been warned.

RUSH: What was Gore thinking? I mean, anybody could have seen that coming.

RICH: Well, it just goes to prove what I have been saying about Al Gore for the past fifty years. The man just does not think things through.

RUSH: A real politician would have seen that coming, all right. You wonder how a man that politically naive could have survived Washington for twenty-four years.

RICH: I was wondering that myself. I know we’ve spent the last eight years whining that Bill and Hillary Clinton were too good at politics and insisting what we needed was somebody who lacked that specific quality, but we are both so completely and totally intellectually bankrupt, we don’t notice this glaring hypocrisy on our part. If Gore had any brains at all, he would have seen our flip-flop coming from a mile away and satisfied our completely conflicting demands of him.

RUSH: To think of somebody that clueless occupying the White House! It’s terrifying.

RICH: Well, I think an equal problem Gore has is that arrogant prissiness of his. It’s kind of surprising, considering he has so little to feel superior to Governor Bush about.

RUSH: I know just what you mean Rich, but I’m afraid our viewers aren’t as brilliant and insightful as we are. Let’s take a look at the most egregious example of Gore’s holier-than-thou attitude, which took place about a minute after that last exchange.

FROM CLIP OF A HIGHLIGHT OF THE ABRIDGED VIDEO TAPE OF THE DEBATE:

SECOND GORE: Off the record?

BUSH: (SNORT!!)

RUSSERT: Off the record then, sure.

SECOND GORE: Completely and totally off the record then, I do not care in the slightest what you think of me as a man, any of you. But I am the Vice President of the United States, the People of the United States have entrusted me with that Office. That office demands respect, no matter what you think of person holding that office.

BUSH: (HONK!!)

SECOND GORE: The fact that you cannot or will not respect that Office speaks more loudly than anything I could ever say about you or about this pathetic attempt to entrap me in some sort of bogus scandal just a few hours before we debate the pressing issues that face our Nation. I feel ashamed for you, even you don’t have the decency to feel ashamed for yourselves.

BUSH: (SNORT-A-HONK!!)

SECOND GORE: Would somebody please get him a kleenex???

Al Gore is just evil! Evil!!

RUSH: Whoa! Talk about your major ego-trips!

RICH: Yeah, who does Al Gore think he is, anyway?

RUSH: I will say this for Gore, it’s not surprising that he’s sunk that low, considering how Bush cleaned his clock in such a thoroughly effective manner. I see by tonight’s vocabulary list, I’m supposed to use the word "Gravitas" in conjunction with Governor Bush as well, but I’m not really sure what that means.

RICH: Well, it doesn’t really matter Rush, because we’ve only got time for one more clip of tonight’s complete and total destruction of Vice President Gore by Govenor George. W. Bush. Your thoughts on what the final blow was, the one that will keep every single American from even considering voting for a pathetic shell of a candidate like Al Gore?

RUSH: I think it would have to be immediately following the last clip we played, in fact, we could have just played the tape through to the end without interrupting it.

RICH: Yes, but then the American people would have missed out on this incredibly enlightening commentary by yours truly and mines truly as well. So let’s watch Governor Bush deliver the death blow to Al Gore’s candidacy.

FROM CLIP OF A HIGHLIGHT OF THE ABRIDGED VIDEO TAPE OF THE DEBATE:

BUSH: (His eyes suddenly get very wide) What am that dumb Gore guy doin hyar? (SNORT!!)

KARL ROVE: Ix-nay on the Estions-quay, Eorgy-gay!

SECOND GORE: Look, just tell me where the debate commissioners are and I’ll get out of here, okay?

BUSH: I thunked he were s’pposed to be at that big ole nuk’lur bombin’ at that there Los Anjleez Airport.

SECOND GORE: Excuse me?? Did he just say there’s a nuclear bomb in the Los Angeles Airport??

KARL ROVE: No, no, he didn’t. Not at all, uh-uh. Nope.

RUSSERT: (At the same time as Rove) No, nothing like it. Of course not. No.

KARL ROVE: We would never be involved in some kind of terrorist attack on a state with 54 electoral votes just to make you look bad. Never. That would be... that would be crazy, that’s what that would be. And possibly illegal, too.

SECOND GORE: (Into his cell phone) This is red-beta-seven, red-beta-seven. Emergency! Get me the Los Angeles F.B.I. office! Hurry!

BUSH: (Into his cell phone) Yes, I wants to put one them "stop payaments" on a check. (SNORT!!)

RUSSERT: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have in this third Presidential debate.

SECOND GORE: THIS IS BEING BROADCAST???

RUSSERT: So for the GOP/Fox/MSNBC/CBS/ABC-Disney/Same Dif network, I'm Tim Russert. Good night.

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