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THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
Serving America - One Possum At A Time!

NO!! I WANT THE OLD JOKES!!! NOW!!!!

Just who's in charge here, anyway?

Dateline: October 19, 2000
I YEILD TO THE SENATOR FROM WISCONSIN... ER, INDIANA
(There You Go Again/AP)

Once again, Governor Bush shows his legendary good sportsmanship, proving conclusively that he's a uniter, not a divider.
As the Corporate Lackey Attack Chihuahua Press scramble to cover their butts by filing report after report detailing the endless shortcomings of Texas Governor George W. Bush (R-America's Favorite Serial Killer) or exonerating "Vice" President "Al" Gore (D-Clark Kent) of being a big, fat liar, the American people were thrown into deep shock yet again today, when suddenly, completely out of the blue, I mean with absolutely no warning at all, totally knocking us all over with a feather, the Senate Republicans announced that starting next week, they will be holding extensive hearings to probe SHOCKING NEW EVIDENCE OF VICE PRESIDENT GORE’S TREASONOUS FIVE YEAR OLD SEMI-SECRET TREATY WITH THE DAMN TREE-HUGGING, PINKO RUSKIES – AND THOSE HEATHEN RAGHEAD IRANIANS!!!!!

"Yep. He’s guilty all right," Senator Orin Hatch (R-Nature's Perfect Argument For Term Limits) announced as quickly as possible. "I mean - - whoa! I’d hate to be guilty of anything, especially this close to an election that was pretty much going down to the wire, but to be as guilty as the Vice President is in this whole treason thing would be really bad." This scandal of all scandals developed shockingly enough on the very same day as the House Government Reform Committee’s Republican majority concluded that, although they had spent six years investigating and had absolutely no evidence, they just knew in their hearts that JANET RENO REALLY COVERED UP ALL "VICE" PRESIDENT "AL" GORE'S ENDLESS FUNDRAISING SCANDALS!!!!!!!!

Making me embarrassed to admit I still have relatives back there, Indiana’s answer to Tailgunner Joe McCarthy, Committee Chairman Dan Burton (R-Braun Haus) elaborated. "Oh boy, I mean... man! Is Gore like, totally guilty this time. Really. No, really. Oh... and while I have your attention, it’s probably a pretty bad idea to go to the supermarket right now. Actually, I’d kind of avoid them for like, the next week. Seriously. 'Cause, um... I'm pretty sure it's illegal or something."


BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T,
DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T!!


AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, WE PRESENT THE
 SUPER-SHOCKING, EXPLOSIVE ARTICLE
FROM THE GLOBE'S OCTOBER 24, 2000 EDITION:

Lt. Bush
Was Too Drunk to Fly!
(Critics Claim)



Shocking medical reports documenting that George W. Bush was often 'too drunk to fly' when he was in the Texas Air National Guard are set to be released in an effort to destroy his presidential hopes, a source confides.

The young Lieutenant was a big drinker and if he had been suddenly called to duty, he would not have been allowed in the cockpit, it is claimed.

The reports, experts agree, are a potential bombshell that could derail the Bush campaign.

"If genuine, they are absolute dynamite," forecasts one insider. "They appear to show that while other guys his age were dying in Vietnam, George W. was partying like crazy in Houston.

Let's play compare and contrast!
"When I was a young man, my father was a senator opposed to the Vietnam War. When I graduated from college, there were plenty of fancy ways to get out of going and being a part of that. I went and I volunteered and I went to Vietnam. I didn't do the most or run the gravest risk, by a long shot. But I learned what it was like to be an enlisted man in the United States Army." Vice President Al Gore, October 17, 2000
If he had been called to fly on several occasions, he wouldn't have been able to because of alcohol consumption and hangovers."

The papers have been gathered by renegade Democrats, who are furious at Gore's decision not to launch any personal attacks on his opponent, says a source. Gov. Bush has made a stunning recovery in polls, that now show the two candidates are running neck-and-neck. The rogue Democrats believe it will take a scintillating scandal such as this one to end his momentum.

The Texan is already under fire over how he got into the Guard - and how he appeared to go AWOL halfway through his service. Critics have charged that Bush only enlisted to keep from being sent to Vietnam. According to sources, he was assigned to a squad nicknamed the Champagne Unit and turned into a wild party animal.

"The group aiming to derail Bush say they have gathered detailed evidence about several lost weekends," reveals the insider. "They allege that W and his best buddy regularly took off down to Mexico, spending days drinking tequila and chasing local girls. When they got back on base, they were too blasted to fly when they arrived and still unfit the next day."

In checking if Bush had been unable to fly because of drinking, GLOBE spoke to a well-placed source in Texas familiar with the governor's service.

He confirmed that Bush's flying experience with the National Guard in Texas ended after he refused to take a medical exam.

"It was a mandatory physical, but he refused to take it," said the source. "Presumably he was concerned about what it would show. It meant he forfeited his pilot's license and could not be a pilot any longer."

Instead, the future governor applied to switch his service to the Alabama National Guard, in a non-flying "paper-shuffling" role. But according to numerous sources, including the man who would have been his commander, Bush never even showed up for duty.

"George W.'s military service is a developing scandal," adds the insider. "If the 'too drunk to fly' records are released and prove genuine, then his goose is cooked."


IN AN EVEN MORE SHOCKING GLOBE DEVELOPMENT,
THEIR "CAMPAIGN SCANDALS 2000" ISSUE COVERAGE
OF "VICE" PRESIDENT "AL" GORE
DID NOT CONFORM TO GOP SPIN!!

THAT’S RIGHT! EVEN THE GLOBE - -
A MAGAZINE WRITTEN FOR PEOPLE
WHOSE COMPLETE AND TOTAL LACK
OF BASIC REASONING SKILLS
COUPLED WITH AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CREDULITY
MAKE THEM THE PERFECT MARKET FOR GOP SPIN - -
A MAGAZINE WHOSE ONLY GUIDELINE
FOR STORY SELECTION IS
"WILL ANYBODY SUE IF WE RUN THIS?" --
DOES NOT CLAIM THAT AL GORE
IS A BIG, FAT LIAR!

OR AN ILLEGAL FUNDRAISER!!

OR A TRAITOR!!


AND WHAT HORRIFIC CRIME
DOES THIS BREATH OF FRESH AIR
IN THE MUCKRAKING BUSINESS
ACCUSE INSIDERS WHO KNOW
FRIENDS OF SOURCES CLOSE TO
THE VICE PRESIDENT OF CONFESSING?






Wait a minute... Al is a "complete neat freak"... ?



IT’S UNANIMOUS!!


THE
WOMEN
OF
AMERICA
SAY:

AL’S
PERFECT!!!!


Help save America from Bush! Click below to learn how!


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(Link Updated On 10/14!)
I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Going To Take It Any More



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Or Else.


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