Dateline: September 10, 2000
Sunday Lite!
This Sunday’s Game Page -- Fun with Republican Math!
WORD PROBLEM #1: You are a pampered pundit of the corporate media, spending the weekend at your summer home in Malibu. The following new poll results are faxed to you by the temp from the research department:
Latest Poll Results
|
|
Gore
|
Bush
|
| Reuters |
46%
|
40%
|
| Gallup |
47%
|
44%
|
| Newsweek |
49%
|
41%
|
How will you report this story?
a.) BUSH RETAINS FOUR POINT LEAD OVER GORE
b.) BUSH CALLS TIMES REPORTER "_SSHOLE"
c.) QUESTIONS REMAIN OVER GORE FUNDRAISING PRACTICES
d.) all of the above
WORD PROBLEM #2:
You are working spin control on the Bush Campaign. You have been pushing the sound byte that "The Republican Party is the party of fiscal responsibility". The following facts are suddenly released by those nosy Parkers at the Center For Public Integrity:
From January 1999 through May 31, 2000
|
|
Gore Campaign
|
Bush Campaign
|
Comparision:
Bush vs. Gore
|
| Accepted Campaign Spending Limits? |
YES
|
NO
|
N/A
|
| Accepted PAC money? |
NO
|
YES
|
N/A
|
| Funds Raised: |
$47.7 million
|
$87.5 million
|
+$39.8 million
|
| Funds Spent: |
$39 million
|
$79.5 million
|
+$40.5 million
|
| Funds Remaining: |
$8.2 million
|
$7.1 million
|
-$1.1 million
|
How will you spin this latest disaster?
a.) Launch a new attack ad suggesting Lieberman is Jewish.
b.) Launch a special new attack ad for Florida only suggesting Lieberman isn’t Jewish.
c.) Launch a super special new attack ad for Idaho only suggesting Gore is Jewish.
d.) all of the above
WORD PROBLEM #3:
You are Katharine Q. Seelye, the extremely word famous New York Times reporter who has never abused your public trust by spinning your articles for the Republican Party’s benefit. In your September 9th report, you state that in the 18 months ending June 30, 2000, the Republican National Committee collected $137 million in soft money donations. During the same period, the Democratic National Committee collected $118.6 million in soft money donations, which you suggest is practically the same amount of money.
By a bizarre, Dickensonian coincidence, the moment you fax your report in, two terrifying goons from organized crime burst into your Manhattan condo and demand that you hold $137 million in unmarked bills for 24 hours. When Guido "No Neck" Silvestri and Vinnie "Big Tuna" Bucco return the next day to retrieve their cash, you only have $118.6 million.
Explain to Big Tuna how that’s the same amount of money he left yesterday.
Explain in a way that Big Tuna won’t have to break your knees.
You have 20 seconds.
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
Read yesterday's Flapdoodle!
Read tomorrow's Flapdoodle!
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