 |
Serving America - One Possum At A Time! |
 |
|
Serving America - One Possum At A Time! |
|
1.) No White Male may vote in any electionThe new law defines a White Male as:
2.) No White Male may be employed by the Government or hold elective office
3.) No White Male may enter into a contract or own property of any kind
4.) No White Male may be paid more than 3% above minimum wage
"Any biological Male of a heterosexual orientation with 75% or more of his ancestors who originated in Europe and practiced the Christian religion. However, any White Male individual who meets the criteria below is exempt, and may continue to practice all rights and privileges accorded any other American citizen:When asked for comment, President Clinton shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know, I've just always liked Alec Baldwin."
a.) any White Male at least as smart as if not smarter than President William Jefferson Clinton, which pretty much leaves out everybody but (Vice President) Al (Gore) and Stephen Hawking
b.) Any and all surviving cast members of the hit TV series 'M*A*S*H*'
c.) Alec Baldwin"
| |
| President Clinton, who complains that "lately, I've been like totally bored". | |
When badgered into explaining why such sweeping legislation was necessary, the President sighed: "Well, there just ain't that much work to do right now. So this morning, I was just sittin' around the Oval Office, eatin' my usual breakfast of Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries, 'Smores flavored Pop-Tarts and some Diet Mountain Dew, and thinkin' how I worked my fanny off for eight long years and my 'Presidential Legacy' is I'm gonna be lucky if I end up as a Jeopardy question. Like I'm not bummed enough at this point, I start lookin' for the crossword puzzles in a few of our great national newspapers and what do I run across but this here incredibly annoying article in the L.A. times ! If you already read the Times, you know the one I mean - it's the one where they interviewed all these red-necks in Ohio who are voting for Bush because they kind of sort of remember hearing his name someplace."
"These are the kind of guys that give Bubbas a bad name," the President continued, the vein in his forehead starting to show. "See this here, where this one Beavis says he thinks (Vice President) Al (Gore) is too emotional to be President? Hell, I wish I had a nickel for every one of those stupid 'Al Gore Is Really An Android' jokes I've had to sit through. Last November, I go to the Kremlin to discuss post-Cold War arms reduction and the first thing out of Yeltsin's mouth is 'Hey, Bill! Has anybody checked to see if Al Gore is Y2K compliant?' Like I ain't heard that a billion times before! And then the Palestinians and the Israelis each showed up at the peace talks with the same 'State Gift' -- a big bag of Miracle Grow Plant Food for Al! Hardy-Frickin'-Har-Har."
Clinton forcefully pushed the newspaper away. "So, like I said, I'm sittin' here, eatin' breakfast, thinkin' on how these are the same pack of dittoheads who've kept Ken Starr in business for a gazillion years and here they are whinin' all over the Los Angeles Times about how tough THEY'VE had it, and laughin' about 'why'd WE ever give women the vote' and thinkin' how I'm gonna go down in history as a bigger nobody than (Former President Gerald R.) Ford even, when suddenly I notice I forgot to send in my Columbia Record And Tape Club card on time AGAIN! And I'm thinkin' 'Great! Now I'm stuck with ANOTHER New Kids On The Block CD!' when it hits me! I mean - POW!! The solution to ALL my problems!!"
"So I knock off a bill which purported to give every member of Congress a 789% pay raise, a game boy and a lifetime supply of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream, and I buried the important stuff about who gets to be a citizen back on page 15,426. Within two hours, the legislation had passed both Houses and was back on my desk for signature. What a bunch of maroons!"
Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Pork Barrel), who is now working part time as a Greeter at the Pascagoula WalMart, was unavailable for comment since he only gets one ten minute break per shift.
Or Else.
