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Do you ever use your birth name when introducing yourself? Is it a problem when people use it when addressing you? And, finally, would you have a problem divulging it to someone who asks?
I was recently accused of not being honest and open about my life because I refuse to divulge my birth name. If, she said, I was not ashamed of who or what I am, why is it such an issue with me to say what my name is.
I thought about this for some time. I ended up riddled with guilt. Our relationship is such that I should have felt free to be able to tell her, that it would in fact "prove" that I trusted her enough to share this with her.
Is she right? And Am I just being bullheaded? If I am giving an honest account on the world wide web about my journey from female to male, is telling the world out there what my birth name is a necessary or essential part of that account?
I rationalized that by telling people what my adopted name is (without off course telling them that it is an adopted name) I am already telling them who I am. I live my life as a male, I am accepted as such in most circles, or rather by people who are not privy to the intimate details of my life.
My birth name belongs to another era. An era I have successfully left behind. I don't think about it, I don't use it. But I certainly don't hide it. There are too many people around who know and use it constantly. I would remain a wreck for the rest of my life if I were to fall apart every time I hear it or it is used when addressing me.
But, yes, I do have a problem verbalizing it. I have a problem saying to anyone that this is my name now, but I grew up as something else. And I think that ties in with what I said whilst answering a previous question concerning my "former female self". It is difficult for me to even admit that I am not (really) a man. Or rather, that I was not born as one (although even that is a point to be debated). That is why it is difficult for me to admit that I may have another (not so male) name.
So, when I talk about openness and honesty, that is about as open and honest as I am going to get. Telling you why I can't tell you what it is. I am not going to get myself into a fit of panic while agonizing about the merits of divulging my birth name, whether it is to a stranger or a live-in lover. I am who I am. What you see is what you get. "A rose by any other name..." etc. etc.
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