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Sex. This is no doubt the question
everyone asks you (or wants to). It must be damn
frustrating having the 'wrong' body when you feel
the urge to surge. Please tell me a bit about
that - the feelings and predicaments which arise
(oops!) as a result of your being something of a
transitory transsexual?
Having the wrong body is a
bigger problem when approaching someone I might
be interested in, rather than when actually being
involved in a sexual relationship. Most women at
first perceive me as a man, unless I tell them
differently, which I don't easily do - not for
the last ten or twelve years, anyway. For all of
my life up to now I have only been involved with
straight women - but these were women who knew me
also as my "former female self". I have
never really been in short-term relationships,
have had two "one night stands" more
than fifteen years ago, and the only short-term
relationship I had never progressed to bed (three
months and no sex!). My last relationship lasted
ten years. When that relationship ended
three-and-a-half years ago, the most difficult
part of being single again was going out to meet
women. At which stage did I tell them I am not a
(real) man?
One of the reasons I describe myself as
"technically a lesbian" is because I
obviously make love to a woman in the way a
lesbian would (I think - don't have much
experience with Lesbians). However I don't think
of sex in terms of homosexual or heterosexual.
But if I had to describe it, as I've done once
before, I describe it as a man making love to a
woman which progresses to very heavy petting or
foreplay, but without actually "going all
the way". I refuse to describe it as lesbian
or homosexual sex because I'm neither. And if my
relationships with straight women can last ten
years, I must be doing something right!
I am in the process of having a prosthesis made.
Although the prosthesis could be seen by the
majority in the lesbian community as a "sex
toy", for me it would probably be a lot more
than that. It would be attached surgically, which
would make it part of me - not something I strap
on when the need arises.
I have a friend, also pre-op ftm, who refuses to
go into a relationship with a woman until he has
had his operation and is fully male. I love women
and sex too much to sacrifice it for the sake of
(noble?) principles. If a woman is prepared to
accept it the way I have to offer it, I am more
than happy to oblige.
To me the sex act has nothing to do with gender. It is not a hetero- or homosexual act. It is an expression of feeling, of wanting to really know someone in the most intimate way, and of sharing something so beautiful in the way only two people who really love each other can. My notions about sex are rather old-fashioned. I need to grow into a relationship with someone before hopping into bed. I want to know that when I finally get down to it, I would have discovered everything there is to discover, and she would have learnt everything there is to know about me, and we had made a conscious decision that we want to be together. Then, and only then, when I am as sure of myself as I am of her, would I "bare all" so to speak, because, utimately, that is exactly what I would be doing. Sex should not be merely a release mechanism. It must become part of the journey of discovery with someone you love. It is Poetry. And anyone who knows me, would know how I feel about Poetry. |
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2000
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