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MAIN FEATURE!!! November Beer Weekend

Between the 5th of November, until the end of Sunday (the 7th), beer was in the fridge. This beer was brilliant. Here is a report of what happened over the weekend in the biggest event since the last Beer Night in October (2004, obviously).

Friday the 5th November (Day 1):
The beer was bought on the Friday night, where it went straight into the fridge to be chilled. Before the beer arrived, there was even an apple in the fridge, floating in a jug so it would get really cold – with drips on just like you see them on ‘Food and Drink’ and such like.
12 cans were bought and they were started after the new ‘Simpsons’ on Channel 4, which was 2200 hours. I drank 3 cans, and finished them in record time and record ‘un-drunkness’, and stayed up until ten to four! In a way there was no point in going to sleep at all, because I was up again at 11:15.

Saturday the 6th November (Day 2):
Not as much beer on the Saturday, but it is better than nothing. Just two cans tonight – I should be having more Beers than this under the circumstances! While I am in my house drinking, other members of the Beer Weekend are away to see ‘Embrace’. I was supposed to go but, well, I am not going to say!

Sunday the 7th November (Day 3):
The last day of the Beer Weekend arrived, and Beer was drunk. The only thing left to say is that it was a complete success, and there will definitely be another. In the beginning, it was only supposed to be ‘Beer Friday’ – but that went out of the window. Throughout the weekend, this is the list of drinks that I had (in order):

Beer
Beer
Beer
Orange Juice
Beer
Beer
Green
Beer
Beer

The Beer used in this experiment was ‘Stella’ – I am not going to say the second word because I can’t spell it and I can’t be bothered to go and get a can to copy the word. If I had to guess, I would probably say that it is spelt ‘Artois’.

GOOD OLD STELLA!
This is possibly the worlds best beer. A very good tast and it makes you go a bit funny quicker than most normal beers, because of its 5.2% alcohol rating! Some are only 4!

OASIS – MANCHESTER – JUNE 30th 2005

This was my first Oasis gig where I could stay to the very end! I had to leave early last time because my dog was lonely. Last time was the 10th of July 2002, in Newcastle. Well it was a very good gig, and some of the songs they played were: (most of new album, including brilliant ‘importance of being idle’), Don’t Look Back In Anger, Wonderwall, Supersonic, Acquiesce, Songbird, Little By Little and they finished with a cover of ‘My Generation’! It was brilliant (the whole lot, not just ‘My Generation’ – even people from an older generation were there who remembers the original). Then the gig was over and we had to leave and we went on a bus and it was full. And it cost Ł1. And people were walking faster than the bus and climbing on the side and smacking the windows. Then I went home and had some beer. Can’t wait to go and see them again (but I don’t know when that will be).

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	Music is a serious business. So why are people not taking it seriously? Since good music was invented in the 1960s, it has grown steadily worse. That is a fact. The 60s were definitely the best decade for music. But what happened in the 70s? How could such a change happen in a matter of years? It seemed that ridiculously rubbish 70s disco music started immediately on the 1st of January 1970! Just when it was thought impossible to get any worse, the 80s seemed to prove that it actually could get worse. This was around the time when keyboards and other ‘no skill needed really’ instruments began to appear. The 90s started off badly, but with bands such as Oasis, Blur, Ocean Colour Scene, The Verve, Embrace, and the Stereophonics (early) they became the best music decade after almost a twenty-year gap. But now, music is ‘made’ by computers, which becomes out of date just as fast as the machine that it was created on! Anybody can say “I want to be in a band”, and if they have blonde hair gelled like a brush and some face cream they get it handed to them on a plate! Talentless people are now clogging up the music business and it is becoming beyond a joke. It isn’t even funny anymore. It isn’t even possible to laugh at some poor person’s miserable attempt to make a tune anymore. That is because I would personally be laughing permanently for the rest of my life, which I would probably cut short to end the pain. Since the millennium I can guarantee that around 95% of all the ‘music’ that is made is either fake or just rubbish. And that is unfortunately the truth. Listen to how uninventive the music has become and think to yourself: “How did it ever get this bad? Who actually goes out to buy this rubbish. And how does it manage to clog up the charts and stop proper music like Embrace’s ‘Gravity’ from the number one spot that it deserved”. There is a Lionel Ritchie (is that the correct spelling? Sorry, I don’t care) CD in my house, and it is complete rubbish. I wonder just how much of that so-called music he recorded himself? Oh, I forgot! Lionel just wanders in from the street and sings – how sweet. I hate it when people who obviously can’t be bothered playing anything end up on stage being cheered at. Why do people cheer when all the songs – which aren’t even good to start with – are written by some guy with curly hair and glasses? Has anybody else also noticed that the inventiveness of music is also scraping the bottom of the dung barrel that makes up the modern music industry? Drums that just repeat themselves over and over again, probably on a loop because the drum machine can’t even be bothered to drum fully anymore. Fake guitars, strings and so on are the most awful of the lot. Why have people become so lazy? What bothers me the most is how people can actually listen to these modern atrocities. Dance music made up of all those stupid noises that people would have almost certainly laughed at in disappointment back in the 60s. Why has music become so easy to make – though how the world can call it music baffles me! It is everywhere: in shops, restaurants, TV (Pop Idle, more like), and of course the radio. Radio used to be one of the best inventions if you were to think of something. But now they fill the air with this crap! I can’t bear the thought of those radio waves even crashing into me, never mind attempting to listen to it. I can guarantee to you that I could never sit listening to one single radio station for TEN minutes without a pile of junk being played. There is only one answer to the question of this article: PEOPLE HAVE GONE COMPLETELY MAD. END. Juggling in the professional circus circuit is becoming increasingly difficult. With competition from the likes of ‘Jaseth Grinble, the incredible juggling unicyclist’, and Dave Shindhurst, who can do handstands while juggling with his feet! To be as successful as one of these greats, it takes a lot of practice, and a lot of patience. There will be no slacking, and definitely no parties. The key to being like these people you will have to place yourself on a very long and tiring training exercise. What it includes is getting the hang of the ‘wrist action’ that the best jugglers use. They swear by it – but for the first few months you’ll probably be more used to swearing AT it! To start with, you need at least 3 juggling balls. You can get these at most good shops. Don’t use something similar while in training, such as oranges, apples or even plums. It really isn’t very hygienic for the next person using the fruit for their proper use – food. It is more than likely that you would drop the fruit so much that it would be battered and bruised, and not everybody is as fussy about the condition of their food as you or me. As you get better and better at juggling, you can increase the number of items you wish to juggle. You can also begin to experiment using different objects. See if there is anything in our ‘juggleable’ list that particularly interests you: Ř Lamps Ř Mini Minis Ř Babies Ř Skulls Ř Bowls Ř Knives Ř Guns Ř Needles Ř Haystacks Ř Jobs Ř Frozen Nuclear Waste If you have any further suggestions on what you think can be juggled, please contact us on the usual email address. Pro juggling is set to be the next big thing as far as circuses go. At this very moment in time there are thousands of trainees attempting to become the best. We suggest that after reading this text you should begin to juggle right away. Following this paragraph is a step-by-step guide on ‘getting good’. 1) Find a room or area either at home or wherever you go in the day (flower shows/work/school etc – juggling is for all ages). Make sure that there are no windows, and empty the room of any expensive things – the last thing you want to be is sorry. 2) Buy the equipment – juggling balls. Make sure you start with at least 3 of them. Two is just too little – because we all have two hands. If by any chance you only have one hand, then you may have at least 2. Needless to say, if you have no arms, you shouldn’t be trying to juggle. You will just end up upsetting yourself. The only answer is to try juggling with your feet. It is hard but it can be done. However, this text assumes that the reader is a bi-handed person. Continued on Page 2. 3) This guide assumes that you have three juggling balls. Start with one ball in your right hand, and the other two in the left hand (). Throw the ball in your right hand into the air, and quickly throw one of the balls in your left hand into your right hand. Quickly throw this ball into the air, and throw the remaining ball into your right hand. This leaves your left hand empty for catching the first ball that you threw. Don’t stop now! Throw the ball you have in your right hand in the air, pass the first ball across! There should be another one to catch right now! There is goes! Better luck next time. If by any chance you didn’t understand, get a sheet of paper and write a big ‘L’ on the left of it, and a big ‘R’ on the right. Then cut out three circles and do a simulation. Still not understanding it after that? Then bog off! You were just not cut out to be a professional juggler. Try sleeping instead. If you are right handed, do as this text says. On the other hand (no joke intended!), if you are left handed, you might want to do the opposite (when you see this symbol: ). 4) Keep repeating step three until you get the basic feel for juggling. Then you can start adding extra objects. Try going even faster or trying to swim on a bike while talking on the phone and ironing while juggling. If you can do this you are ready – call this number 0800 997799, or use the given e-mail address. 5) If you have reached this stage you shouldn’t be reading the introduction anymore. You should be happy with your skill or reading ‘HELP! I CAN’T STOP JUGGLING BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID DOCUMENT I READ’, by the same company as us. For just Ł129.94 we will personally send somebody round to stop you from juggling. We’ll do whatever it takes. However, most people who want to juggle don’t mind juggling. Happy juggling. This guide was written by Fadenskenni Patcheroistmann, BJug. (Bachelor of Juggling at Oxford University) Please read the smallprint. Please note that by reading this document you cannot claim any compensation if anything goes wrong. You chose to do it. ©2004 by Kernel Publishing Plc®. Kernel Publishing Plc®. are not responsible for any loss or damage to anything of yours. Face it, you can’t touch us legally!