It's even touted as "The world's first pinball fantasy!" on the box. When a statement like that is made, a question should arise; "IS a pinball fantasy something the world really needs?" The answer to that my friends, is a resounding "Holy fuck no". If you manage to get past the fact of the game's existence outside of a trash bin and actually start playing the thing, you realize that you could never have predicted such repulsiveness. Even though the very concept is so dauntingly stupid, the game itself somehow manages to be worse than expected.

Once you fire up your NES (which you'll probably want to have cleansed later) you'll notice that there are three ways to play Pinball Quest - the normal pinball games, the adventure like "RPG Mode" and, most preferably, the "not at all method" in which you shut the game off and play Zelda until your eyes bleed.

If you're in the mood to try out some really bad video-pinball is seems you've found your dream game! Those three "normal pinball games" are actually the worst pinball to video game conversion in history (and that's saying something). You can choose between "Pop!Pop!", "Viva!Golf" and "Circus" all of which are essentially the same boring table with a slightly different color scheme and a slightly different picture of a hideous cartoon woman.

"Pop!Pop!" is, I think, bowling themed. It does feature vaguely pin-like objects that you may or may not have to knock down (even if you do manage to hit them all, nothing special happens), but the picture of an appalling woman being engulfed by a gelatinous blob while hopping over a juke-box clouds matters a bit.

Viva!Golf is (duh) golf themed and is the only pinball game in the universe with absolutely no obstacles in it. You fling your ball into to play by way of what is either an ugly female golfer or an feminine Scottish golfer, watch as it rolls past the non-existent obstacles down between the flippers, quit in disgust and then decided to try out...

Circus, which is just as horrible and boring as the other two. It does, however, feature one thing of note. A roulette game which, if you're terribly "lucky", will allow you to play the most inane and worthless mini-game of all time (yes, even worse than Chocobo's Hot and Cold). I can barely remember what the mini-game entailed, except that is was so bad I actually cried like a little girl. I'm almost positive it was originally designed as a torture device for convicted rapists/murderers/Vanilla Ice fans and was only added to Pinball Quest because the government deemed it too horrid a fate for even those ghastly souls.

Finally there's the main draw of the game, the RPG Mode. The "story" is as standard as they come - a Pinball King (a pinball with a crown) and his daughter, the Pinball Princess, are enjoying a lovley day of sitting around the throne room when some brutal thugs that happen to be running through the castle grab the Princess and run. It's up to you, as the plucky pinball hero to fight your way through hoards of baddies in attempt to reunit the King and his daughter (and maybe get a little pinball action on the side, nudge nudge).

The gameplay is identical to that of pinball games everywhere - you sling your ball and try to keep it in play for as long as possible by hitting it with your flippers. Of course, your flippers are about as responsive as a dog on a freshly waxed kitchen floor and they seem to be spaced so far apart you have no chance of ever hitting the damn ball. Every time you miss a shot, instead of losing a ball or some HP, your ball falls back a stage. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to keep the ball from falling all the way back to the begining of the game everytime you miss - blow one shot on the 6th level and you'll be starting from scratch.

Like any good RPG, this game features a store where equipment can be purchased. Unlike all but the crapiest RPG's, the equipment is all either too expensive to buy or totally useless. It took me over an hour of killing skeletons on the first level to earn enough cash to buy the single useful item offered - a "permanent stopper" that forever blocks the middle hole of whatever stage you happen to use it on. 6 of these suckers later, I was able to finish the game - total play time was around 4 hours and, unless I sue Jaleco for pain and suffering, those are 4 hours I'll never be compensated for.

Pinball Quest has only one redeeming quality. Whenever you enter that store a steal option appears on your menu. Almost every single time you "steal" your pinball gets the shit beat out of him. It's difficult to describe the warm fuzzy feeling one gets when watching the little guy crying and running away on crutches, but it's a bit like eating a teddy bear that's been in the microwave. Yum!