Ross : There was always this little voice inside that said, 'It's never gonna happen. Move on.' And you know whose voice that was?
Chandler : God?
Ross : It was you, pal.
Chandler : Well maybe it was just God doing me.

Chandler : But, the silver lining, if you want to see it, is that he made this decision completely by himself, with no outside help whatsoever.
Rachel: How is that a silver lining?
Chandler: You have to really want to see it.

Chandler :( talking about a date's nostrils ) They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel : Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler : I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

Chandler : ( about his similarity to Mr Heckles ) Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

Chandler : If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need a thing, you know -- a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know? Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies; kids won't walk by my place , they will run! 'Run away from Crazy Snake Man!' they'll shout!

Chandler ( looking at his date and thinking ): My God, that's a big head. It didn't look this big in the office -- maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it. Quick, quick, name five things you like about her: nice smile, good dresser... big head big head big head!

Chandler : Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Joey : The Ice Capades?
Chandler : No, no, the Gravel Capades. The turns are a little slower, but when Snoopy falls, FUNNY!!

Ross : Oh my God, you are pure evil.
Chandler : Okay, pure evil... horny and alone. I've done this.

Chandler ( in reference to Monica ): Hey Joey, be a pal. Lift my arm and smack her with it.

Monica : Come on. Five more push-ups.
Chandler : I can't do it.
Monica : Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler : One...two...two and a half. Alright, show me one.

Chandler ( talking on the phone ): I'm telling you, this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button, like, a hundred times. You know, for a hotline, you're not so hot? Wha... what is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek!?

Joey : Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?
Chandler :Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

Chandler : ( telling Joey ) You know maybe this isn't such a big deal you know. Umm... the way I see it is, you get a great job and you get to have sex. You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas!

Chandler : ( picks up a miniature liqueur bottle ) I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.

Phoebe : Um, one of my clients died on my massage table today.
Chandler : Well, that's, uh, a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

Monica : I can't decide between lamb and duck.
Chandler : Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would have been called "The Silence of the Ducks".

Monica : Alright, people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
Chandler : Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

Joey ( at Carol and Susan's wedding ): It just seems so futile, ya know. All these women and...nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, ya know. I have the cape and yet cannot fly.
Chandler : Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, OK. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Ross : Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
Chandler : You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

Joey : OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
Chandler : That's how radio stars escape stalkers!

Chandler : ( on how to deal with Joey's stalker ) Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon!

Susie : It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
Chandler : Oh, right. Well, yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

Susie : OK, who was the guy that got caught masturbating?
Chandler : He wasn't masturbating. He was looking for his bus money.

Susie : How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler : Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.

Susie : Here's an idea...have you ever worn women's underwear?
Chandler : Well, ye, yes, actually. But, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's and there were three of us in there.

Chandler : Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.

Chandler : What's this?
Joey : Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler : Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya, but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

Joey ( referring to the bracelet he gave to Chandler ): You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?
Chandler : Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

Ross ( hanging up after taking message from Casey for Rachel ): What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler : I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance...you know, make a little love...pretty much get down tonight.