Joey : Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler : Because the kids need new shoes.

Monica : I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler : Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.

Monica : Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler : You mean there's more than one of us.

Chandler : No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'

Joey : No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
Chandler : Yeah!
Joey : Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler : You're building a post office?

Monica : He's so cute.
Chandler : Oh yes, and that's what I want - a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.
Monica : Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack 'em up. I'll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Chandler : Okay, but after that, were shootin' some pool.

Chandler : See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say gig.

Joey : Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.
Chandler : That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'.

Joey : Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler : That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!

Joey : All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler : Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean!

Chandler : Y'know what, it doesn't matter, 'cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!

Ross : Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
Chandler : Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.
Ross : Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
Chandler : I was shrieking... like a Marine.

Ross : It's her first day at this new job. You're not supposed to start with her!
Chandler : All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?

Rachel : ( talking about the kiss she gave Ross ) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know.
Chandler : Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.

Chandler : All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

Chandler : Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm, I'm smoking still.

Chandler : Oh that's great, with my luck, that's gonna be him.
Phoebe : Him? Him, Ross?
Chandler : Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism.

Joey : Anybody have a coat hanger?
Chandler : Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.

Phoebe : All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler : Or what my father called Thursday night.

Ross : I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Chandler : Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.

Joey : Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler : Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.

Monica : Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
Chandler : My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.

Joanna : Bing! That's a great name.
Chandler : Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for 'Thy turkey's done.'

Phoebe : Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler : Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.

Joey : Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
Chandler : Or... Dick.

Ross : Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.
Chandler : Was it like a sneeze only better?

Rachel : Y'know I don't, I don't understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob.
Chandler : Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 'em.

Chandler : ( to Monica ) You're not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.